Take Me To The King...

"Take Me To The King

  I don't have much to bring

  My heart is torn in pieces

  It's my offering

  Lay me at the throne

  Leave me there alone

  To gaze upon your glory

  And sing to you this song

  Take Me To The King."

  - Tamela Mann

Forgive me...this will be a loooooooonnnnngggg post....

I went on another journey. A short one this time. 2013 has been filled with sojourn and travail for me. And I am amazed at the growth it has wrought.

Whenever I find myself in a painful situation or in the midst of confusion, I find myself overwhelmed with the war between my emotions and my reason. My emotions I must confess are a huge source of conflict within me. Sometimes they bubble and spill over and make themselves known in the things I do and the things I say and because I am by nature a very talkative extrovert.

This never ends well.

I am learning that there is one thing I can do that calms me all the way down into a state of numbness. I relinquish control of everything I feel and think and it is replaced with an astonishing sense of peace and calm in which I do not even feel the need to speak much. I find it easy to allow things to take their natural course when I do this.

I fast.

Usually I abstain completely from solid food, confining myself to water and the occasional juice when I feel faint. And I go through the day. Normally. At the end of each day, I eat. And the cycle begins again at midnight. And believe me it works. I pray and sing and make conscious decisions to do the right thing and slowly but surely I find I have developed my self-control and patience and endurance through this practice.

It has also brought me so much closer to God in so many ways.

Its amazing to me how God answers prayer. In the strangest little ways He reminds you that He is there and He hears and in these short but increasingly frequent periods of self-sacrifice, I have learnt and experienced this truth in extremely significant ways. In my personal life and also my spiritual life He has shown Himself to truly be, "My very present help in time of trouble."

This time I decided due to the enormity of my frustration and confusion and the seriousness of the situations I was dealing with to do things a little bit different. It was thrust upon me. And I was in the first week of a 40day fast (yes, I wanna be like Jesus.) But my pastor said to me, "Do an Esther Fast." And I went and researched it and decided, yes. After all, the measure of your sacrifice depends on the enormity of your issue or your praise, not so? In this case, "enormous" was an understatement.

So I put my stuff together, collected my prayer books and went into seclusion for 72 hours with only one break where I went to work. I was in physical contact with no more than six people and successfully managed to shut out the entire world for most of the time by turning off my phone.

I met God.

There is something about staying away from all food, water, sugar, everything that you would normally put in your mouth. But there is so much more power in being completely silent and cut off from everything in your world. All the things and people you love. Sacrificing that time to be with God. Alone. There is amazing power in that. The sound of my own voice in the moments that I actually opened my mouth to speak surprised me.

That is really being still...

The Esther Fast requires you to go completely without food and water for three full days and nights. 72 hours of testing.

The first day was alright. I woke up in the morning and prayed and wrote and stayed in silence and meditation all day. No hunger pangs. I even went to work and did a solid job though it was taxing. I had a guardian angel with me though. He made sure I was alright and took me home. I went back into isolation and prayed to close the day.

The second day was strange. I struggled with the heat and the dehydration caused dizziness and a distinctly faint feeling. My senses were heightened. For most of the day I was seeing too bright and hearing too loud. Which was very tiring as I had to make a trip out into the real world that included the most adorable little baby. But I maintained my quietness even through the discomfort. And my meditation brought results and clarity and a feeling of indescribable peace.

The third and final day I decided to go back into a state of isolated silence and meditation. And the peace I encountered again I cannot describe. I felt the pain in my belly and the shortness of breath and the dizziness but it didn't overshadow the peace and contentment for one second. My best friend was worried sick by this point. I don't blame him. But the whole time I kept thinking, "The day he tries this he will understand."

Its a huge commitment. But I saw it through and I am grateful for my friends who helped me through it as well. Advising me and checking on me after 6pm. :)

I am learning the power of commitment. Commitment to something requires your best even when the going gets tough. And the tougher the going the bigger the rewards. I choose to follow through with everything I commit to do from now on. No matter how hard or how fruitless it may appear at times, I will keep my word and commit.

An amazing experience, it brought me closer to my Maker. It made me understand true dependence and faith in His love and provision and in the fact that He truly does hold me in the palm of his hand. And He speaks. Audibly, in the still quiet voice, through dreams, through events taking place all around us and through things people say, He is always speaking.

Tamela Mann's song, "Take Me To The King" describes the way I felt on the first day. But by the third day all I could think was, "I Surrender All." I still cannot really explain what happened. But I am blessed to know that it did.

I felt I should share. I am sure I shall soon be able to share the fruits of my labor. God honors sacrifice. But for right now, I am just happy that I created a bubble with just me and Him inside it and it was amazing.

Peace, Love, Forgiveness and Progress,

Miss Chulu.

#TitaniumSolid #Kilimanjaro

Blantyre...

Blantyre...what a pretty name...

Always thought "Blantyre" would make a nice name for someone. Or for a home, "Welcome to House Blantyre." Anyway, I digress.

Its been a while since we saw a literal piece on the blog and my best friend encouraged me to "dig into these emotions" so I'm digging in.

My band and I traveled to Blantyre, Malawi at the beginning of October for the Blantyre Arts Festival. I found out later that it was meant to have begun with a carnival, but we missed that part. The trip down was CRAZY! We went by road because we thought we were heroes. Going in was much better than coming back but it was long and hot and by the time we got to the border all our juice from the Food Lovers Market was tea. :(

The first day there was like a reverse culture shock to be honest. But there is something serene about the quaint little town of Blantyre and the people were so friendly. We were picked up by the organisers of the fest and taken to the cultural center where everything was taking place. Met a kind old journalist who told us stories about old Zambian musicians like The Mulemena Boys and left us in awe of the legacy we had gone to represent. It felt like pressure.

A few hours, a horrid lunch and a thunderstorm later, the guys and Mwila went to watch the first performances. I couldn't handle it. So I stayed in bed whatsapping my bestie about random things till he forced me to sleep. The mosquitoes made it quite the adventure though so for the two nights we were there I slept with my headsets on.

On Saturday we woke up late, walked to the little mall to buy airtime and jelly babies and then went to the center for our first attempt at a sound check. Didn't work out, so we went back to eat and then attempted it again a couple hours later. The food was different to say the least. By the time it was 5pm we were all bathed and suited up and had a lil vocal rehearsal in the room which you can see on instagram if you follow @lalozie :)

The thatched circle where the stage was was filled up with people and lil kids sitting in the front row, all smiling and excited and singing along. When we got there the lights went out but when they came back on, a pretty German lady called Selina was on stage singing pretty interesting covers of popular songs by John Legend and Alicia Keys amongst others. When she was done, a really cool dance troupe had us cheering for four minutes before it was our turn to go on.

We did. The boys as usual starting things off with an amazing intro. Then it was my turn to sing. And boy did I sing my socks off. I still feel proud just thinking about it. We swayed and danced and had our little dance routines and the crowd went crazy! Best performance ever really! Only because the room was filled with so much love.

Highlights of the night were our acapella rendition of Bob Marley's "Waiting In Vain" which saw everyone in the band singing and my first attempt at scatting which went pretty well and also our show closer, "Nikakuona (When I See You)" which got us yells for an encore and had me in tears as the audience sang along and waved their hands in the chorus. Amazing moments that I would love to experience again.

Two encores and a stage rush later we were on our way to our rooms, feeling happy and blessed and humbled and motivated to keep doing bigger and better things.

I'm already looking forward to next year and all the opportunities it brings.

The band is called Black Note and is available for bookings by calling +260965221996. We will be Live at Alliance Francaise on the 2nd of November from 7pm. Don't miss it!!!  

#TitaniumSolid

#Kilimanjaro

Miss Mahogany.

He....

He is trapped in a life of drudgery.

There are moments when he has glimpses of what he loves. Moments of brilliance when all the pieces fall together in perfect synergy. Moments of clarity, when his focus and passion are renewed by little victories, little hurdles stepped over, minor hills climbed and conquered and in those moments he smiles to himself because he got through the day, or the hour or the meeting in one piece and he did well.

But he feels trapped.

Because more often than not the days all flow by the same. He wakes up, takes a shower, packs his laptop bag and his banana and drives to work in the traffic that aggravates him but is a part of the city he lives in. He dusts off his suit and sits at his desk. Puts his headsets on and zones out to the numbers in front of him and the music that lives inside his head. The occasional text, the occasional phone call and a few clients later, he moves on to the next part of his day that is the same as that part of his day the day before. And its boring and demoralising except for those moments of brilliance.

He has alot going for him. 

Nobody really knows it yet, but then again, nobody really knows him. He is quiet. Funny but reserved. Always impeccably dressed and well spoken. Always sincere even when his mind is a billion miles away, calculation a trade or planning a vacation. And he doesn't get alot of those. His time has not been his own for a while now. Even when he sleeps he does not rest because his sleep is quotad. Soon he will have to wake up to be the WonderKid. Solving problems, being the scapegoat, but always being exceptional at being who he is, because he is brilliant but even he doesn't know how much so.

He has few friends. They do not really understand him. And he accepts that. Because the most interesting things in life are puzzles and he prefers his own company anyway. He has women in his life. They love him in degrees and like him in amounts. Some are his mothers, others are his friends, yet others are undefined dalliances. He is only in love with one.

But even she doesn't know it.

She lives on the periphery of his world. Essential to his existence but always at a distance because that is his way and because she understands that, they live in quiet, comfortable "side-by-sideness" even when they haven't seen each other for days on end. And she loves him. Dearly. She just doesn't know quite how to. Thing about it is he would do anything for her, but he doesn't know it either because she will never ask. But no matter what happens between them, living without each other has never been the option.  

And so he wakes up every day. Searching for something. Because he knows something is missing. But he never finds it before he goes to bed and he will wake up tomorrow still looking for it.

He is trapped in drudgery.

But he remains cheerful. Never saying an unkind word. Never rude or impolite. Selfish in his own ways but only to preserve himself and his sanity. And nobody can withold that from him. He loves many things but he no longer has the time for them because if he is to become somebody he has to put in the hours.

He has a lot to be proud of. And people are proud of him. A work in progress. He has grown in alot of ways. Some inexplicable. Others tangible. And his aesthetic has changed. He is no longer a boy. He has transformed and is on the verge of something. Wings unfurling, muscles churning, speed rushing through him, propelling him towards his destiny.

But he remains on the verge. Waiting. Trapped in drudgery. Waiting for release, for something to change, for something new.

He doesn't know why he is here. But he is. And for another day he will keep going, his passion fuelled by those glimpses of brilliance, his resolve strengthened by sheer force of faith.

Faith in Possibility. 

"Nikakuona (When I See You)"...

 New song dropping tomorrow and I got a few requests for lyrics...that put a huge smile on this face, no lie...

I am known for writing love songs...pretty words...but this time around, the words are coming so deeply from my heart that its almost dangerous to put them out there. But I have.

So I'm not gonna talk too much about where the song came from. I'll just say that it was raining the day I wrote this song about four days after my first date with the most amazing man I have ever met in my entire life and I've met a bunch hey...don't judge me, he made a HUGE impression! Lol! :)

I just want to say thankyou to him, for inspiring so many beautiful feelings in me.

I also want to say thankyou to Israel, Lazarus, Nzovwa, Kasonde, Eston, Mapalo, Mwila and Suzanna for making this music with me and to Ben for making sure this song sounded so good.  Also many thanks to Carl Hovind for giving me permission to make my own version of the song he originally produced for the ZedWay project. Thankyou to James for never missing a big moment. I love you guys...

And now, the lyrics...

Nikakuona (When I See You)

"They don't understand

  The way you make my heart race

  And my knees shake

  When you touch my hand

  There's no place I'd rather be

  We live in a world

  Where love is so polluted

  Where a boy and a girl

  Is the sum total of confusion

 

  But I know nobody like you

  Your magic makes me move

  Your heart becomes my truth

  Nikakuona

  Mutima wanga uma tunta monga ngoma

  Nikakuona

  Your light shines so bright

  Like love in the moonlight

  I got nothing to lose

  You've got nothing to prove

  We've got something that no one else can deny

  I'll tell the story of us

  To your son as he grows inside me

  A seed that grew out of love

  So strong like the mukwa tree

  How you came out of nowhere

  And swept me off my feet

  Kuliye chinga wele pa kati pa weo na neo

  Mutima wangu ni wako

  I know nobody like you

  Your magic makes me move

  Your heart becomes my truth

  Nikakuona

  Mutima wanga uma tunta monga ngoma

  Nikakuona

  Your light shines so bright

  Like love in the moonlight

  I got nothing to lose

  You've got nothing to prove

  We've got something that no one else can deny..."

For those wondering what the vernacular means...

"Nikakuona..." - When I see you

"Mutima wanga uma tunta monga ngoma..." - My heart beats like a drum

"Kuliye chinga wele pa kati pa weo na neo, mutima wangu ni wako..." - There's nothing that can come between you and I, my heart is yours

I am really really really proud of this song...and for the emotions that it represents. The power to love after pain. The truth in the assumption that rain brings new life and growth and washes away the old, dead and decayed. Belief in possibility because that's all this is...I believe...and so should all of you...

And to you, L.G.N...this journey is already so beautiful with you...thankyou Mudiwa...

Hope you all love the song as much as we do...

#TitaniumSolid

#Kilimanjaro

Miss Mahogany...

"Sometimes life throws you little curve balls."

Someone very close to me said that to me the other day. And it made me think about my life. About my journey. About the defining moments in my life both good and bad and most unexpected. It made me think about what I am truly grateful for.

A lot of things I don't remember. Growing up, not much is significant. But once you get to adolescence, huge changes come and make you stand up a little straighter, cry a little less...though my friends can all agree that if there is one thing I have never let go of, its tears. Its almost like I have a reserve tank under my eyelids.

I remember boarding school. I wasn't excited to go, I was afraid of being away from home. I guess I knew deep down inside it would change me. I left home a chubby 12 year old with kinky hair and the most hideous spectacles you could possibly imagine. It took two years of charges and class monitor responsibilities and late night punishments to make me toughen up. Even then I wasn't tough enough. First opportunity to not go back I took. And life threw me another curve ball.

I thought I was dying. I have never been so sick in my life. My mother says I was. But 9 malaria riddled weeks later, I was skinny, like a chicken bone and light skinned after 14 years of being so dark I looked like my mother's step-child. And for the first time in my life I remember my dad calling me pretty. Only once. He never did it again. I don't know what I learnt from that except that I appreciated being alive more and I never wanted to leave home.

I went back to school to write my exams. And found a tragedy. For the second time in my life I lost friends. I learnt I could be violent. Assaulted someone with a chair. Well, he cussed my mother out I had to defend her honor. Those people are still around the peripheral edges of my life, but they will never truly be my friends again and I don't really miss them. I'm a different person now, they wouldn't fit. And I've lost more friends since then, but it doesn't hurt as much because I know I can't keep everyone...

O'Level was fun! I met my best friend. 10 years later, she is still my best friend. We still sound the same and cuss our men out in our hearts and then defend them to the death out loud. I miss her. But she's never too far, or too busy, even when I get busy. And I had my first real encounter with what I considered heartbreak. I had NO idea! 9 years down the line I can only shake my head at how straightforward that was. But its true, life does shake you up sometimes and after that I decided I wanted to be less of a tomboy and more of a girl, I wanted to relax my hair and define myself by my cleavage. That's what I wanted. I wanted to be noticeable.

That was the point. And years after that I would sit down and remember what it was like to be free and wish I had listened to my mother when she told me that men will use you and dump you because that's what they do. It takes a special kind of man to acknowledge and value the gift inside you and cherish that. And it takes maturity to know which man is which. I had to go a long time with the wrong kind to get to where I can see what I don't want and hold on to what I have now. But it took a bunch of curve balls, including some abuse. Yes, of the illegal kind.

But you see, all these things, getting lost in translation and pursuing an education for seven whole years that ended up on the back bench in a box because my talent is my real passion, nearly losing my mother to death and miscarriage, facing loneliness and not knowing myself...and then learning and rising above all of it...it didn't just happen that I woke up and was this person...all those little traps and stumbling places, all those little curve balls were lessons to show me what was important and what was not.

And its funny how many things are not important.

I'm thankful for my lessons. And I think there are still a great deal many to come. But if there is one thing I choose to carry with me, its the good moments. Look around you, see what you can't live without, and choose happiness...no matter how hard the journey to it may be...its a personal choice, you decide. And when the going gets tough, ask someone to help you keep going, because sometimes that's the difference between making it and staying stuck on stupid.

#TitaniumSolid #Kilimanjaro

Miss Mahogany.

The Calling...

 

I was talking to a friend of mine a couple of months ago. About life and where we have come from and what we aspired to be and how absolutely FAR from those goals we are. Its shameful really. I had such big dreams man! But you grow and you change, priorities get mixed up and you find yourself, wanting and liking and indulging in things that when you were 14 considered an absolute waste of time. We were friends especially when I was 15 and 16 and the beginning of 17 before the riffraff took my life. But that's another story for another day.

Anyway, we were talking and in the course of the conversation we meandered towards the subject of men, relationships, marriage and "wife-dom" that she calls, "The Calling." That made me laugh out loud. But its true. Out here where we come from,  a female child is born and oftentimes groomed from a very young age for her ultimate expression of womanhood which I guess is being somebody's wife. In the villages, from young ages, girls are tampered with even before they reach full bloom, taught many traditional things and sometimes undergo borderline genital mutilation in my opinion...in addition to these less comfortable aspects they are also taught how to take care of a home, the virtues of waking up early, how to cook and rear children. Very little focus is given to formal education in many of these situations. But this type of upbringing more often than not produces at the very least, strong women and powerful wives. They fulfill their calling well when the time comes. Going through all the rituals and doing everything right, no matter the cost to their dignity, safety and self-respect in some sad cases.

I have never lived in the village. But my grandmother is a reliable source.

On our side of things, the dynamics are slightly different. We are born and dressed in pinks and yellows, pampered and princessed and sent to school at the age of three. We learn how to read, write, color, draw, speak proper, sing and play minor musical instruments. Sometimes we have to indulge in sports. We are plunged into a swimming pool at age five and we learn "doggy paddle" and breast stroke. We join the Girl Scouts, and then when we get to fifth grade "the calling" begins. Home Economics. At home we learn how to do dishes and shine floors and cook basic meals to feed a family of four. I could cook in the sixth grade. And I wasn't a bad baker either. I LOVED Homecraft with Mrs Maulu! Always got good grades in that! Forget math! Then we hit puberty and grandma comes to explain about the blooming...how to keep clean and be aware of BOYS.

From there, the rest of your life silently revolves around "the calling" for most of us. There are those who rebel against the general norm. But for the rest, you are constantly reminded how to behave around the opposite sex, your home making skills are honed to near perfection, you have to watch how you dress, speak and carry yourself because "Men don't marry rowdy women."

You go to university to do for yourself and get a qualification and maybe learn a profession. Then the plan is to save and groom yourself for your own home and your own life preferably as a good man's pretty, educated wife.

 The Calling.

These days however, most of us have changed our way of thinking and this was the gist of the conversation. We are both on either end of the spectrum. My friend is a budding career woman, running her own business and pushing to become a powerful entrepreneur and mentor amongst other things. Eventually she may settle down, but she doesn't really really mind if that takes a while because "the calling" is not as strong in her. And that seems to be the case with a lot of women these days. That pull is there. But the essence of it is lost. You get married for the security of your home and "man" and balance. And then you pretty much go on living your life, building your individual legacy, making your name and your place in the world. The aspect of submissive, wifely, servitude fades into the responsibility of jointly supporting your life and the lives of your children. So you have a nanny and a gardener and you drive separate cars and have separate bank accounts and sometimes, keep your maiden name.

Its not such a huge deal anymore, this calling.

But there are a handful of us who still just want to be just that. For me I will go as far as saying, if the economy allowed it, I'd settle for being a housewife who occasionally stepped out to perform for a full house and then went back home to rub her husband's feet. That would make me insanely happy. The other side of the spectrum. Being "Mrs *insert his full names here*"

I have said it before. A perfect day in my life would be to wake up at 5 while its still dark and step into the wardrobe to pick out his suit for the day. Make sure his shoes are shiny and his socks correctly paired. Then go into the bathroom and run the shower for him before I wake him up to step into its warm spray. Then to the kitchen; perfectly soft toast with butter and preserves, scrambled eges sprinkled with cheese, bacon and sausages on a tray next to perfectly wrapped cutlery and a hot mug of Rooibos tea for him to find when he comes downstairs to get help adjusting his perfectly pressed tie. Off to work he goes while I make sure my kids are bathed and ready for school, in the car, lunches packed and hair briskly brushed. Then after I drop them off head home to clean the house and make lunch before the clock strikes 11. And this is just the description of my morning.

That's the kind of life I want to live. The type of wife I want to be. Perfectly fulfilling my calling. Submitting and respecting and helping steer the ship as my Captain directs. A life of humble joyful servitude, love and partnership with my K1ng. I can see my friends shaking their heads. But I actually believe nothing in this life would make me happier. Of course not living off him...but even my extra curricular activities are meant to be homey things like an events and interior decoration business and a cafe and restaurant or two. Comfortable enough to make good money and still see me off at 4pm to go home and make a yummy dinner to be ready at 6 when he gets home to help his kids with their homework.

A perfect life in my book.

I didn't always want to live this way. I wanted to be a lawyer and change the world. Drive expensive cars and not have any kids at all. I wanted to be wealthy and powerful and wear power suits. Very ambitious I was. But I calmed down. And now that my feet are back on the ground, there is a certain beauty in womanhood that I feel can only be expressed fully when cultivated by the right kind of manhood. And that's what matters to me now. As weak and sappy as that sounds. Devotion to one man, one life, and the lives of his children for the rest of my life above and beyond all other things, because at the end of the day, no matter how much money I make, he is still the one person I will want next to me when my head hits the pillow at night, and I better have made sure before I went out that he was happy. That is bliss to me. That's the kind of person I am.

I don't know how many women wish they had or will have this sort of life. Do you? I certainly do. A perfect little cocoon, safe and warm and home. Shielded by the love and guidance of our families steadily moving along on this sea of life...another beautiful story, a fulfillment of what I think was God's original plan for man and woman when he made them. No shade thrown at the "go-getting" women, we all need to have a little bit of that, but I think I suit "the calling" just fine.

#TitaniumSolid #Kilimanjaro

Miss Mahogany.