I’ve made a change. Some
people call it finding God. Yesterday I was reminded of how inaccurate it is to
say that. I knew where God was all long.
I just chose to ignore Him.
I have struggled with feelings
of failure. I wanted to be a lot of things when I was young, things I have not
managed to be. What is achievement if when you look back at your list of goals
from when you were fifteen, you cannot check off half of the things you dreamed
of being or doing? What is the point of being here when you look around and
milestones and years have passed you by without you achieving anything close to
greatness?
They say count your blessings. Sometimes
that is just a shallow way of comforting yourself. I know why I am not what I
wanted to be. I made bad choices, did foolish things that amounted to the
longest detour of my life. There were reasons for it…disappointment, youth,
lack of knowledge of self…fear of being left out, missing out, looking or
seeming or sounding boring…how many things do we do that do not truly add
value to our lives, in any way shape or form? I am the biggest culprit when it
comes to time wasting on things that I should probably do better to ignore, e.g
Twitter stalking someone who is only as relevant as I make them…people
concerned will smile at that one…
We know the difference between
right and wrong. We often know the difference between important and useless as
well. However, Man’ propensity for
foolishness and affinity for worthlessness often trumps his potential to be
great. So rather than just do the right thing I will go around it and play
in muddy grey instead of choosing between black and white.
It’s not an easy journey this
one, I struggle with me every day…because me is selfish and lazy and quick to
speak and to get angry, hold onto things, plots and schemes and hates, gossips
and disappoints, lies, cheats, disobeys, is proud and ignorant a lot of the
time. Me wants what me wants and no amount of reasoning will get me to see
anybody else’s point but my own. But
life is a beautiful journey, full of lessons and I am learning many things.
I’m learning not to talk back so much. Half the time
the next person has something to say which makes way more sense than what I was
gonna say anyway. I’m learning to take advice,
as in REALLY take advice not just paying lip service to what I’m told. I am learning to be patient and to
believe that the truth is sometimes just that; the truth. One really important thing I am learning is to listen to
the heart of another person and feel what they really cannot say. I am learning that there is nothing wrong
with me, that I am the way I am for a reason, for a purpose and that when I
am embraced as I am in my entirety, that is when I am at my best.
I’m learning how to pray…it’s so comforting…to know
that somebody bigger than me is in control of all the things I can’t handle gives
me such great peace. But I was talking to a friend a few days ago and something
they said really struck me. They said something to the effect that nothing
hurts like the hurt you feel when you realize that you aren’t as great as you
think or thought you were. That is so true…and humbling.
I am only as great as I
believe I can be and even then only as great as I work at being and in my
working I have to always remember that I cannot fulfill my destiny by my own
power and intelligence. Jesus walks with
me for a reason.
I finally know with all my
heart and soul that he sees me and hears
me and cares what happens to me. I finally know that when I speak he hears
and that nothing that has happened to me has happened by chance. Good and evil.
And I am here now because of those things and because no matter what I do his footprints in the sand are always beside
mine. To get where I want to go I have to die to myself and live a life
that is worthy of the greatness I hope to achieve. I have to make the right
choices, listen to the right voices. When
the world overwhelms me I must find my strength in retreating to that quiet
place within myself where only God and my dreams live.
Today, I choose to live in
black and white. If it is wrong it is
wrong and there is no justification for it, no excuse. If I do it I will apologize for being wrong. But I refuse to be that girl anymore, lost and on
the border between obscure and mediocre fame. I want to be somebody. And now I
know that for me to be that somebody I need to draw my strength from the One
who gave me life and gave me breath and placed me on this earth. I am no saint,
do not misunderstand me, I am merely a
vessel of clay, pliable and available to be molded and shaped the hands of the Master Potter into whatever
great and beautiful thing he wants me to be.
“Mulungu sama gona…”
Unforgettably Yours,
Miss Mahogany