Someone very close to me said
that to me the other day. And it made me think about my life. About my journey.
About the defining moments in my life both good and bad and most unexpected. It
made me think about what I am truly grateful for.
A lot of things I don't
remember. Growing up, not much is significant. But once you get to adolescence,
huge changes come and make you stand up a little straighter, cry a little
less...though my friends can all agree that if there is one thing I have never
let go of, its tears. Its almost like I have a reserve tank under my eyelids.
I remember boarding school. I
wasn't excited to go, I was afraid of being away from home. I guess I knew deep
down inside it would change me. I left home a chubby 12 year old with kinky
hair and the most hideous spectacles you could possibly imagine. It took two
years of charges and class monitor responsibilities and late night punishments
to make me toughen up. Even then I wasn't tough enough. First opportunity to
not go back I took. And life threw me another curve ball.
I thought I was dying. I have
never been so sick in my life. My mother says I was. But 9 malaria riddled
weeks later, I was skinny, like a chicken bone and light skinned after 14 years
of being so dark I looked like my mother's step-child. And for the first time
in my life I remember my dad calling me pretty. Only once. He never did it
again. I don't know what I learnt from that except that I appreciated being alive
more and I never wanted to leave home.
I went back to school to
write my exams. And found a tragedy. For the second time in my life I lost
friends. I learnt I could be violent. Assaulted someone with a chair. Well, he
cussed my mother out I had to defend her honor. Those people are still around
the peripheral edges of my life, but they will never truly be my friends again
and I don't really miss them. I'm a different person now, they wouldn't fit.
And I've lost more friends since then, but it doesn't hurt as much because I
know I can't keep everyone...
O'Level was fun! I met my
best friend. 10 years later, she is still my best friend. We still sound the
same and cuss our men out in our hearts and then defend them to the death out
loud. I miss her. But she's never too far, or too busy, even when I get busy.
And I had my first real encounter with what I considered heartbreak. I had NO
idea! 9 years down the line I can only shake my head at how straightforward
that was. But its true, life does shake you up sometimes and after that I
decided I wanted to be less of a tomboy and more of a girl, I wanted to relax my
hair and define myself by my cleavage. That's what I wanted. I wanted to be
noticeable.
That was the point. And years
after that I would sit down and remember what it was like to be free and wish I
had listened to my mother when she told me that men will use you and dump you
because that's what they do. It takes a special kind of man to acknowledge and
value the gift inside you and cherish that. And it takes maturity to know which
man is which. I had to go a long time with the wrong kind to get to where I can
see what I don't want and hold on to what I have now. But it took a bunch of
curve balls, including some abuse. Yes, of the illegal kind.
But you see, all these
things, getting lost in translation and pursuing an education for seven whole
years that ended up on the back bench in a box because my talent is my real
passion, nearly losing my mother to death and miscarriage, facing loneliness
and not knowing myself...and then learning and rising above all of it...it
didn't just happen that I woke up and was this person...all those little traps
and stumbling places, all those little curve balls were lessons to show me what
was important and what was not.
And its funny how many things
are not important.
I'm thankful for my lessons.
And I think there are still a great deal many to come. But if there is one
thing I choose to carry with me, its the good moments. Look around you, see
what you can't live without, and choose happiness...no matter how hard the
journey to it may be...its a personal choice, you decide. And when the going
gets tough, ask someone to help you keep going, because sometimes that's the
difference between making it and staying stuck on stupid.
#TitaniumSolid #Kilimanjaro
Miss Mahogany.
