So it
strikes me that relationships are funny things. This will be a cheeky little
post, if it applies to you feel free to make it real in your own life, if it
doesn't well then this is just, "some light reading..." I wrote a
post about women and how they treat men last year and I was thinking that
perhaps I should flip the script.
This is
coming from my own experiences and the experiences of my friends that from time
to time are the subject of late night calls and prayer sessions. I don't know
if it rings true for everybody, but that's the thing, if you're reading this
then I know you will make up your own mind.
So after
that short disclaimer, let’s talk about what girls want and why men really are
from Mars while we have always been right here on Earth.
1.
Communication Is Key.
Now I know
this sounds cliché, we say it all the time. But have you ever considered that 'communication'
might mean different things to a man than it does to a woman?
She isn't
looking at you like that when you are standing next to that girl with the more
pronounced curves and the flat stomach because she is trying to turn you into
stone; she is looking at you like that because she can't say that she worries
when you look. Not because she doesn't trust you but just because she does. And
YOU need to SAY with your mouth that she has nothing to worry about.
Women don't
always say what they mean because sometimes they are just afraid to. I don't
want you to judge me, or think I'm needy so I will bite my tongue even when my
gut is burning because I don't like the way someone is flirting with you, or
you were out late three weekends in a row and you 'forgot' to hang out with me.
Sad thing is
there are times when things pile up and then when she finally opens her mouth
he is sitting there like "Whoa! Who hit you? With what?"
That's why
it’s important to say what needs to be said when it needs to be said. Say
"I Love You," she needs to HEAR it. She needs to feel it too, so
communicate it through your actions as well. Say you're sorry and don't defend
yourself when you're wrong. Let her sulk but hold her while she does and tell
her that you didn't mean it.
Tell her
what bothers you, yeah, they say you aren't supposed to. But she needs to know
and when you tell her, when you confide in her, she feels important and useful
and TRUSTED. So tell her. Talk to her. Make her your sound board. Tell her what
you like and what you don't like. Tell her your deal breakers.
Let her decide for herself to be
devoted but let it be an informed decision.
She can
never know what is really in your heart unless you SAY it.
And tell the
truth. There is nothing more strengthening for a true bond than brutal honesty.
2. Try A
Little Tenderness.
Teddy
Pendergrass said it best. You get better results when you stroke than when you
use your elbows!
There is
nothing that gets to me like a gentle answer, a quiet probe, a deep look into
my eyes when you ask me what's wrong. Nothing. And I am a crier so bear with
me. But see, if she is afraid of you or she feels like when she tells you her
weaknesses you will use them against her, then she never will.
Gentleness
is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. It’s a GOOD thing. Its not a weak thing. You can
be a man and be gentle. Heck, you're more of a man if you are. And this
tenderness is in everything.
Treat her
like your flower, easily bruised but warming up to the heat of the sun smiling
on her. Be her sun. But be firm. She needs to naturally follow where you lead.
Learn her
boundaries and master them so skillfully that she will be pleasantly surprised
when she learns that you have breached her defenses, deftly springing up and
over her walls right into the deepest recesses of her heart.
I have only
ever dated one person that I trusted with my real ugly. Because he is gentle
and he is the only real gentle I have ever known.
3. Don't
Get It Twisted.
Now not all
of us want the house with the white picket fence and you know what? That's
perfectly fine. But you need to know the difference and what to do with either
type. Now I am talking to MEN about WOMEN. Not to BOYS about GIRLS. So this is
about being ready from where I am standing for real life decisions and the
like.
Now if she
is Miss Independent, chances are she is one of two types. She is either doing
bad all by herself and not interested in all of that or she is ready for
something real and solid and looking to become part of an amazing partnership.
You want Miss Independent.
Trust me.
Don't be out there messing with Miss I
Need YOU To Survive. That's not the responsibility God gave you. Eve did
not come out here asking for a lung. She was ready to play her position, to the
point of getting that man into trouble, but that's another blog post for another
day. She may not have all the money in the world but she has to be strong and
mature enough to have something to offer and to hold her man down.
So anyway,
if she is doing bad all by herself it just means she isn't ready, and maybe she
never will be but one day she might and when that happens you have to figure
out a few things.
What does
she REALLY want? And does it tie into what you want? If it doesn't get to
stepping. You don't need the drama. But if she is worth sitting down to work
out a compromise then COMMUNICATE that and work it out.
A real woman
who is ready will know that sometimes you won't be on the same page. But if you
are committed to working it out and writing the book together then she will be
willing to wait it out till you can get to where she is and wife her. But you
have to say these things. I might plan the whole wedding but don't for one
second think that I will go through with it if it isn't really something you
want. Because more than all of that I just want to BE WITH YOU and build
towards something that will make God and our families proud. And you will have
to commit to that.
Some men run
away because they freak out before they ever ask what she wants and what she is
willing to wait for. But she would probably tell you that the solid
relationship, leading up to the lifelong solemn commitment before God is the
most important part because without it, everything you promise before God is a
lie.
4. We
Really Aren't That Complicated.
Women are
simple creatures that get lost within their own conflicts and lead you through
that labyrinth blindly because they don't know it themselves. But that's why we
are interesting! No?
Let me speak
for myself on this one.
I say ALOT of things.
But to be
honest when it comes to the man in my life, I want very few things. Well, its
alot but its simple things. See what I said about the labyrinth?
I want you
to call and text and come to visit. I want you to spend time with me, even if
its just a few minutes in the day, two days a week. Just so that I know that no
matter how busy you get, you are thinking of me.
I like it
when you wine and dine me in fancy places BUT I really like our quiet broke
moments so much better because we are just us then and all we have is laughter
and cheap chicken and each other. I also like it when we hang out with my
friends but even more so when we hang out with YOURS and the best is when it
becomes one happy bunch because then my world is your world and its cool. I wanna sleep in your tshirts and watch
movies with you and do fun stuff that creates memories that are just for the
two of us.
I want to be
with someone who is committed to me. Someone
who is proud to claim me. Someone who is gonna take me home and tell his parents
that I'm his girl and let them get to know me. I want to be with someone that I
can do stuff and plan stuff and save up for stuff with and have a little life
with because that's where the growing is. I want to be with someone who misses
me when I'm gone and isn't ashamed to say it. Someone who is proud to say
"Yes" when randoms ask him if he is dating me. Someone who keeps his
promises and makes little sweet gestures that only I can understand.
I want to be
with someone who is my best friend and who wants to build towards a beautiful
life with me and isn't ashamed to talk about it or feels like these things are
'pressure'...
That's
really all it is. Not about cars, money or designer ish, or about a name or
about a list. Just me being myself with you and knowing that you are not going
anywhere and I am your only.
Attention.
Commitment. Quality time. Building to a solid future. #ThatIsAll
5. Trust.
Trust is so
important. It doesn't just apply to you not hitting on/flirting with/sleeping
with/being inappropriately affiliated to other females while you are with her.
That all goes without saying.
Be Faithful.
Trust also
applies to how much of herself she can show you. How much she can give you
without wanting to take it back. Without regret. Can she come to you when she
is lost and lonely or feeling cranky or just being a child and know that you
will be there? Can she come to you when she genuinely needs help and know that
you will gladly offer it for free? Can she bring her fear to you and know that
you will open up that box and show her that there is nothing inside? Can you be
that person to her? That person that she knows will catch her every single
time?
If you can, then you are worthy of
every single ounce of her trust.
But trust
also flows into the "Quantum of Solace" theory that I have grown to
know and love. This refers to the smallest amount of emotion or feeling of care
towards the person you are with that is necessary for a relationship to exist
or survive. When that amount hits zero, there's nothing to fight for.
To earn
trust you need to show yourself worthy. Even when she isn't looking. I was
saying the other day that the test is, if you do it or consider it and you know
in your heart that if SHE did it or considered it you would be
unhappy/uncomfortable/displeased/hurt then its WRONG. That's the test. Do unto
others...
And if I
know that you have got me on all those levels then heck, you can go out
whenever you want and come back at 4am because I know I can trust you and we
won't have a problem. Matter of fact, you probably won't even wanna go out
because you are too busy putting me first...
6. Trust
ME.
This goes to
the core of being a man I think. You don't like to show weakness. Or depend on
anybody. But see, its important that you trust us.
We don't
like to hear things through the grapevine or as a by the way comment after the
fact. We want to have the exclusive on everything that goes on with you because
it makes us feel important.
We ask where
you are and what you are doing because we don't want to hear it from someone
else. If you don't tell her and five people know about it, you best believe
when they tell her she will be more hurt than mad. But she will show you mad.
She wants to
know when you're hurt, when you're sad and she wants to know that you trust her
to make it all better. She wants to know when she has done something wrong
because if you can tell her, then she can fix it and she will respect you for
being a man about your business with her in a gentle, respectful and effective
way.
She wants to
know when you're winning, when you're happy, when its good and she wants to be
the one you celebrate with, because a K1ng must always have his Queen. When he
wins and when he loses she is his real crown, his real soothing balm, his real
armor. Because that trust ensures that she can protect him from the world and
from himself.
And that's her greatest honor. To be
his protector.
7. Things
That Go 'Bump' In Your Mind.
Yeah...the
male ego. First of all, she wasn't really looking at the guy at the mall and
she doesn't actually rate her ex. That's all in your mind.
If its a
working healthy relationship, she has eyes for no one but you. And when she
teases you, its because she thinks she can and you will laugh not because she
is trying to put you down.
The things
that matter to her are you, your wellbeing, your joy, her hustle and reality
tv. This is the truth.
All those other guys are annoying.
But if your
insecurities take prominence in your interaction she will start looking for
faults in herself. And then someone else will validate where you have poked
holes in her freedom to be herself. And once that validation becomes more
important than who you are to her, its a wrap. I'm telling you this for free.
Second of
all, all the stuff you're afraid of like, how will I take care of her, am I
good enough, what do her friends think of me, what does her family think of me,
do I have enough, does she judge me, does she love me, is she the one...yeah,
endless list. Its all in your mind.
If you dared
to open up and tell her all your fears and worries and concerns, you would be
surprised at how many good solutions and great reassurances she is capable of
giving you.
The right woman is a man's master key
to an amazing life....
So calm
down, take a sip of water and say, "Babe, can I ask you
something?"...it will do you a world of good!
8. I
Apologise.
When she
says she is sorry its scary. She doesn't know if you will accept the apology,
forgive and move on or if you will hang the error over her head for months and
use her own admission of guilt as a noose around her neck. So when she says she
is sorry, take into account the fact that you are her protector. And let it go
if she is sincere. Most times you will find out that she wanted the fight to
end the moment it started.
And you.
Say you're sorry.
You have no
idea how much power a genuine apology holds. How much healing it can bring.
When you go
up to her and say to her that you were wrong and you know she was hurt and
that's not what you are about and you want to fix it, you solidify your claim
to your throne. Every time.
Caution: Apologise and show remorse
and desist from the said offensive behavior. "Sorry" means nothing if
its offered as an incentive to shut her up but does not yield any change in
your actions. That's a sure fire way to make her bitter. And you know what they
say about bitter women...
9. My
Body Really Is Your Party.
Ladies,
don't front. Y'all know y'all like to get yours.
I will keep
this brief. She may not say it to you, but you should learn that if she is
attracted to you then what you think of her body matters. And what you do to
her body matters even more.
Please abeg, I am not condoning
anything here.
I am telling
the men, if you are in it, you better be in it for real. Brand that item. Don't
leave any room for doubt. Don't leave any room for the next brother to come
make his own marks.
If she gives
you "the look" then make sure you deliver, EVERY TIME. No room for
doubt. And make it fun and spontaneous sometimes. So that she WANTS to brag
about you but she can't.
She wants to
be smiling to herself on her lunchbreak talmbout "I can't wait till I get
home so you can..." *cue Beyonce's
"Blow"*
Anything
else, anything weak, half-hearted and passion-free? Nah we ain't here for all
of that. Ask your wife bruh! Don't be looking like that when she suddenly has a
permanent headache.
10. The
Circle.
This refers
to your bubble. Who you let into your space matters. Individually and as a
couple. So gentlemen, if you know you and what's her face had a thing back in
the day, or she had a thing for you before you met your missus, cut her off.
Amputate and incinerate. If you know so
and so aint got nothing good to say about your person and she is number one to
you, then he doesn't need to be anywhere near your ear at any time. Anybody who
is a potential source of conflict needs to go. Its part of growing together and
you should make sure to expect it from her in equal measure.
This applies to family too.
Now don't
misunderstand me, I do not ascribe to the school of thought that condones
familial estrangement but I believe that two people in a relationship above
everything else MUST protect each other. So don't be out there having your
family talk smack about or to her. They should know who she is to you and that
the same degree of respect you accord her must accrue from them as well. They
must be kept in line.
Friends,
family, associates, workmates, must be kept in line. And she needs to know that
nobody's opinion of her matters enough for you to disrespect her or leave her
otherwise, you weren't the right one in the first place.
Protect your space. It is sacred.
Nobody must touch what is hers. Not you. Not her things. Not her throne in your
heart.
Now I know
this was a long post. But I'm sure somebody out there agrees with at least ONE
thing I have said. And at least one man is putting his shoes on to go and tell
someone he loves her and its all going to be alright. Don't be ashamed to be
real about how you feel. Imagine your life without her. If it all goes dark in
your mind when you do then she deserves all of you.
You're
Welcome! :)
#TitaniumSolid #Kilimanjaro
M.M
