My Predicament

I am in Love.

Its a weakness. A weak point. A thorn in my flesh. Because you see, you can use it against me.

But I am in Love.

Solidly, shamelessly,  destructively in love. In spite of myself and regardless of what my innate wisdom dictates. And you know what? I am done fighting it.

I have rationalised the sensible decision of weaning myself from this destructive influence. I have sensationalised the glamor of the emptiness that would remain if I were to succeed in this stupid endeavor and I have come up empty. Because when push comes to shove one will always choose the happier option.

See clarity I often say, is extremely underrated. Sometimes all it takes is a moment of silence.  Of aloneness and personal honesty and in that moment the courage to look yourself in the face and accept what really is and agree to live with it.

I am no martyr.

The delicious chill that runs down my spine when finger brushes cheek or lip brushes nape of neck or hand cups face or eyes meet is no blood draining sacrifice. I have no real complaints. I walked in with my eyes wide open. Heart closed shut. How was I to know he was on some kind of mission?

I am in Love.

So deeply in love that it scares. I don't forget anything. At all. And its all I can think about. I have always been so good at following rules. But I shiver and shake and call when I am not supposed to and its sickening and pathetic and real. I am soft. Putty in his hands. Manipulating me into submission and then I hate myself for it.

Because it is a weakness. I should not tell all. Or tell the truth. Or face up to my shortcomings. He should never see me sweat. Or hear me catch my breath. Or feel me respond.  And it isn't even sexual. Its this warmth. This unique oneness. This rightness. It feels like Home.

I am in Love.

This is no declaration.  Nobody cares. This is an admission of guilt to myself. See the smart thing to do is run. But I have had all the time in the world to do that and he is still stuck here. With me. Addictions are straightforward.  You know they are no good for you but they disassemble the togetherness of your biology to foster a fatal dependence in order to maintain functionality.

This that I am dealing with, it has nothing to do with my blood. So it should be easy right. Tonight I had a conversation with myself in the mirror. And she laughed at my postulating pretentious fantasies of Freedom. Because Freedom is what I need. To be able to be selfish and uncaring and see, hear and feel nothing. But instead, here I am still flinching when his shoulder gets caught in a weird position as he puts his jacket back on. Foolish me.

I am in Love.

Deeply and hopelessly in love. And maybe its time I let that be. Because its okay. I am not losing that much anyway...just my entire mind....

#TitaniumSolid #Kilimanjaro

M.M