The Matrimony... (not the title but you get it.)

“What a small word we use for an idea so immense and powerful, it has altered the flow of history, calmed monsters and has hardened hearts speaking in the sweetest of tones
Discover this beauty by eliminating your fear of the unknown
To truly love is to understand this, to be in love is to respect this
Love is strong,yet more delicate than the morning mist that settles on green blades of grass and presents itself as a bed of kisses
Love is the sunshine that brings a golden glow upon its beholders face
It’s the broad smile, the burning cheeks, the “swept off my feet into that heavenly place” sensation….its undeniable
The best and most beautiful things in the world are felt by the heart, that cause skipped heart beats to become a treasured, weather intimately close or far apart, it’s still the most sought after owner of hearts
Love
It uncages souls, opens eyes and leaves millions of memories of smiles called stars to remind the world that it still exists.
It’s only destiny that two paths meet to become one path widened.
I stood in the presence of sheer destiny in July 2011
When total admiration for another being conquered his understanding and his tongue spoke similes no simple mind could imagine
When he claimed what was not yet his because he had his mind on a goal.
I knew she had captured more than his heart, she had captivated his soul.
I watched as they disintegrated jazz during a slow dance, enhancing its melodic tunes, and how they wrestled with times hands because he too fell prey to this love so true, he had to remain in that moment over and over again.
God spoke the finest poetry into their union
Handed them their dreams and with fingers interlocked between lovers hands, he told them to run.
At the break of dawn the tiny tickles of toes, the birth of their first son, an uncomprehendable beauty.
I heard how his voice transformed gradually being stripped of every essence of “manly” to cater to her delicate nature
And how when he called her name, it echoed the beauty of a promising future together.
We are here to witness this love so divine,
The kind of love that feels like a thousand ants doing a rain dance down your spine
With your hairs standing tall reaching for the sky ambitiously and your heart growing wings adamant to soar but its cradled by gravity….
I saw how he looked into her eyes as if they unlocked portals to eternity
And how she would give it all up to him gladly…..
As their childhood dream comes true today, I pray the happiness behind these memories never fades away.”

By Mutinta Marie-Jose Bbenkele (The duchess)

From www.elleyou.wordpress.com

New

Haven't been here for such a long time.

Haven't been where I am in a lot of ways for a very long time.

After two of the most emotionally, physically and spiritually taxing years of my life I am sitting in a church, listening to a choir sing at 7:21pm and marvelling at the power of Time.

A year ago this time, things were completely different. Well not everything. But the atmosphere of my life, my bank account, my prayer life, my love life and my mind was so dark and dire that it baffles the mind to actually realise that I am sitting here and I am fine.

I asked myself this question this morning. Where does the time and the hurt go? You wake up in the morning and can't get up because breathing is empty of meaning. In all the ways imaginable. You can't smile. You can't laugh. Every time your phone rings or lights up its bad news. Rejection is your middle name. Disappointment your perfume. And you walk and you walk and you walk through the barren landscape of your mind with nowhere real to go.

No escape.

And I spent seven months of last year like that. Many people hide depression behind fake smiles, fake hair, fake friends, world changing work, family meetings, alcohol, drugs, partying, sex, fights, and any other thing they can think of to draw attention away from their emptiness. I had none of those things. No fake aesthetics. Very few real friends and no fake ones because I have no time. None of the other things either. And so I had to breathe and stretch and beast through it.

I tried running away. Running away is easy. So I got up and left the country in the middle of chaos. No phone. No real plan. Just an easy exit. But before I knew it real life was calling me back. Into the chaos. And I was missing my anchor. Nothing more destructive than being out here, untethered, unstable, lost, alone and without an anchor. Especially when both your divine and human ones are completely silent. No answers from the usual places. No answers from the unusual places either.

Silence.

At this point most people say, "I looked inside myself and dug deep to find my source" or something profound and deep like that. None of that applied to me. There was nothing inside when I dug deep. N O T H I N G. So I gave up.

And when I say gave up, I mean that giving up. On everything. I started faking everything. Even laughter. If you asked me what I was laughing at when I was done, I couldn't have told you. I quit. And it felt amazing. Not caring about anything. Even saying things like, "I don't need to wake up tomorrow let me just die."

What was scary was waking up and realising that that day, I meant it.

I didn't dig deep. My friends dug me out. They came, they called, they badgered and begged normalcy out of me. They saved my life.

I am sitting in this chair thinking about that time, and I remember all of it. All the loss. All the despair. I didn't believe any of it could ever get better. But here I am, a year later and I can smile, I can laugh, I can SING.

I am grateful to still have life. I have all the things God gave me. People and things I thought I had lost during that time, are still here and even more so. And yes, granted, it does not all make sense, it does not all feel good yet, but by God it feels so much better. And it means something to know that nothing dark lasts forever.

You can hold on to light. You can hold on to hope. I am still learning how. But I know its possible. For me. And for you too. You have so much to be thankful for.

I am sitting here. And I am new. And I have nothing to lose but the things I am careless with. There's alot I want to change. But I am learning to focus on the things I can control. I still struggle, but I am learning to navigate around the landmines of my life. Learning to pick my battles. Learning to say sorry. Learning to tell the truth. Learning to let go. Learning how to trust. Learning how to trust MYSELF. Learning and growing and accepting the fact that I am human. Getting to the place where I only have the time for people who realise and accept that I am human too.

I am here. And I am new. Not quitting anymore.

J.

Be The Hero Of Your Own Story. ..

So tired...

All the time tired. This blog post isn't about posturing or story telling or trying to hide behind pretty words.

You know how sometimes in life everything feels like a match burning out quickly? Flame heading straight for your fingers? Nothing makes sense. Waking up in the morning and getting to lunch time only to find yourself counting down the hours till you have to wake up to do the same damn thing all over again?

I'm not the type of person to ever give up or quit on things or be a loser. But sometimes, life gets the better of the better of us and you find yourself looking in the mirror asking yourself how the hell you got here. And like someone I know would say it, I don't give a good God damn how good your situation is, sooner or later you will know exactly what I mean if you don't already.

Delusional. That's what we do.

Its the climb up the smooth wall without the footholds that will toughen you up enough to take on what's at the top of that mountain. And damn it, I been climbing for a bloody long time.

Sometimes curling up in a ball and dying in your mind sounds like the solution. Just throw in the towel altogether and stop trying. And alot of the time I want to stop trying.

But if you're feeling like me, then maybe I was writing this for you.

Its a giant cliché to say the night is always darkest before dawn but you know what? It really is. The last steps  up that mountain are the hardest. But its because you're almost there.

So don't quit. Your shot is just around that corner. Your breakthrough is just behind one more door, all you have to do is get there. And to that nxgga out there who is drowning under the weight of his responsibilities, obligations and his expectations of himself, you didn't come this far to fail. I tell myself that every day. And you have to believe it.

And for you little lady, there is so much more to life than just the "this" that you can see.

Keep going...

Right foot in front of the left...

M.M...

80/20 The End

I sat and watched them walk out of the hospital. The look on Julius' face a mixture of so many emotions. So many things he could not say.

That hospital would always remain a sacred place to him.

Walking to the car, hands shaking, eyes full of tears he slid into the front seat and laid his head on his hands and wept.

How far they had come, so close, so solid. Hearts beating in perfect harmony and he had taken it all so horribly for granted. Mistakes irreparable, things he could never erase, never take away. Hurt. So much hurt.  And all his fault.

It was all he could do to not punch himself in the face even though he knew that still would not change what had happened. And he had tried. He had tried with all his might to make it right and now this moment...

He wept.

I watched as she walked slowly round to his side of the car. The babies were safely in the back seat. But his heart was more important and she didn't understand.

The months after the accident had been so hard. But they had made it. Through the physiotherapy and the painful sleepless nights. Through those difficult, difficult conversations and the tears.

It took her three months to calm down inside and for a person like her, that was alot. Nothing ever rattled her in real life. But that had been a nightmare. And she was beyond rattled for so long.

The weight had no choice but to come off. All eight kilograms of it. She had opened another shop. That's how enraged she was. It was good for business.

And then he walked into church that Sunday morning and sat next to her and held her hand. Something inside her snapped. Like all the rivers, lakes and oceans in all the world had converged behind her eyes and spilt out. She couldn't stop crying.

It didn't take long after that for him to start sending flowers and arranging cute little dates. Opening the picnic basket and finding it empty except for the most exquisite 24 carat diamond ring, sitting on top of a sandwich was the most beautiful moment in their journey. She didn't have to say yes, he already knew.

And now they had twins. A boy and a girl. So what on earth was he crying about? This was a happy moment. Or wasn't it?

I knew her thoughts and her fears and her concerns. But I also knew he was crying because he didn't deserve the chance she had given him.

Its not easy to be a man that proud and make mistakes so large and say you're sorry and mean it. Its easier to walk away. Chalk it up to a bad decision and luck out. Wait for the next thing. Nobody really wants to sift through rubble. Its easier to walk away and say that everything was burnt.

But he had done it. He had gambled. He had fought for her and he had won. And she was worth every second of pain. Every uncomfortable conversation. Every tear. Every sleepless night. She was worth it. She anticipated his every mood, catered to every need, laughed at every joke, calmed every storm, diminished every fear. She did everything right. Even when she was wrong she was right. For him.

He didn't deserve it. He knew that. How many times had he given up on her? How many times had he ignored her little attempts to get his attention, to make him smile, to be there for him because he thought he could do it better without her?

How many things did he take for granted? When her jaw clenched in pain everytime he got too close to someone at an event or her patience whenever he ignored her calls? His arrogance and selfishness and self-sufficiency. His ability to make her feel so unnecessary and inadequate without ever even trying? And she had almost died because of him.

Yet here she was. Never a harsh word, never a cold answer, never rejecting him. And she had given him babies too. He had no words. Looking up at her he struggled to find something to say to explain. She looked down at him and he didn't have to speak.

She knew...

THE END...

Don't lose the one you need for the one you want. Life and Death are just a decision apart.

#AmorVincitOmnia #LoveOverEverything

80/20 Part 7

She had returned the phone without checking it because it had gone off. Sometime in between the tears and the throwing up the battery had gone flat. She never saw it ring. She never thought of it until today.

Julius sat down. Five months had passed. Long break.

They arrested him that day and he spent the night in the cells. In the morning he had gone to Leleti's. He never knew why. But he walked in and found her with the pregnancy test and the herbs sitting on the sofa. Her door was open and that smell...that terrible smell was filling up the room.

It was like in that instant his eyes were opened. And he saw her for what she really was. All the way from her ankles that were actually dark and rough around where she squeezed her feet into her shoes to her over plucked eyebrows and her pug nose.

He was revolted. She was sitting there mouth open. He wasn't supposed to be here.

The test was negative. He didn't even sit down. He walked straight back to his car and went to tell his mother everything. Then he went for an HIV test. Negative. Then he booked a flight and left and didn't tell anyone for twenty one days, where he was.

How could he have been so stupid? Crazy woman then started texting pictures of him sleeping in her bed, in his bed, no clothes on, grinning caddishly in the car, whatever...first to him and then when she got no response she sent them to Suwi.

How do you even fix that?

Not even anywhere near his wife and he was already messing things up. Everybody told him to go beg. But that pride of his. And she had not reached out. Not even to ask him what was going on. He didn't blame her.

She watched him sit. Lump in her throat the size of an elephant's head. She couldn't speak. Again. Never in her wildest dreams did she ever think this would have happened like it had. But it had. And now here they were. She didn't know what to say so she asked how he was doing. She wasn't prepared for his tears. Or for his confession. Or for his explanation. Or for him to beg.

Every tear he cried was like a knife twisting in her heart. It didn't make any sense. Who was this woman? Where did he find her? In the convenience store at the gas station? Like, who meets a woman in a gas station? How did he leave everything they had for a woman at a gas station that he didn't know? After everything they went through? How? It just made no sense.

Sitting there watching him talk she felt herself drifting away. His mother had pleaded with her to have this meeting. It was the least she could do. But it would have to be something spectacular that he offered for her to put this all behind her and try again. All this talk about herbs. Like really?

The anger and the bile rose in her throat as the heart in his chest detached itself and sank into his belly. He could see it in her eyes. Pain. Pain. Unspeakable pain. And he couldn't do anything to fix it because he put it there.

She got up from the table, legs like jelly and ran out of the restaurant. She never saw the convertible turn the corner. Her eyes were too full of tears. All she saw was the sky above her as the impact tossed her into the air. Her eyes closed and the last thing she heard before her back hit the ground was Julius screaming her name....

To Be Continued...

80/20 Part 6 ( Suwilanji)

Why is he on the news?

Arrested? For what? Oh God, let me call his mother.

I have loved before. But not like this. Its been four weeks and it still feels like he did this yesterday. Just yesterday he was here. It hurts like a truck sitting on my heart.

He's my best friend. We laugh, we talk, we dance, we eat, we love. Who am I going to grab the last piece of chicken in the bucket from now? I actually can't handle this.

Why didn't he call me. Doesn't he know I will always be there for him? And now on the news? Everyone is gonna think I did something now. And I really didn't. I thought we were alright. I thought everything was going really well. I mean yeah, he was a bit weird but he gets busy sometimes. Its not a thing.

Did I give him too much space? Maybe he thought I was not interested. Or paying enough attention. And I gained weight. Gosh. All those funny barbeques with the girls. I need to start working out.

This break, is it like for good or what? Eish! My mind is actually all over. And I haven't been to the stores all week. I should go in today. But first let me call his mother.

I wish he knew what I feel in my heart. There is nothing I would not do for him. He has made me so happy after so much sadness in the past. One day I will show him. If God gives me that chance. I will show him. And if he comes back I will do better. I will spend more time with him and lose this weight. Maybe there was something I wasn't doing. Or is it because we are not sleeping together anymore? But he said he was okay with waiting.

Lord I don't know. But you do. So help. I need help.

Oh God, let me call his mother for real now...

To Be Continued...

80/20 Part 5 (Julius)

Oh God what the hell am I doing though???

Its the third time I am going to this girl's house. I hate myself before and afterwards. But when I am there its like I can't think.

What is that fog that covers my mind when I'm with her? Justifying my disgusting behavior? Because its disgusting what I am doing. Thank God Su will never know. I don't think I could handle it.

I need to end this.

I know what I need and its not this.

I miss Suwi. She always knows what to say to calm me down. Even when she is annoying, I love her. She is so beautiful and kind and gentle and giving. I never really wanted someone like that. You have to be answerable to someone like that. But she took care of me from day one and I just can't see myself really and truly being with someone else.

So what am I doing?

I am turning 32. Its time to settle down. She is clean and cooks and she prays and she supports everything I do. We make such a great team. I have always been so misunderstood. But she gets me. Without trying. My best friend. So loyal. I don't even have to tell her, she just knows. And she knows when I'm lying. I actually don't know what the hell I am doing!

Okay, this problem started because I am just a coward. I should have told her that mum found out things about her. But those things have nothing to do with me or who she is now. And alcohol is just alcohol. Its not like she killed someone.

Maybe I should tell her. I think this break can end. I will tell her. And this one with her sweaty sheets I must dump.

Who is going to take care of me like...

Oh crap! What now? I was driving at 80 wasn't I? Oh man...okay...maybe not 80...argh!

"Yes sir. Sorry sir. Can I see your licence please?"
"Yeah let me just get it for you."
"Sir have you been drinking?"
"Uh, no, well, yes, I..."
"Kindly step out of the vehicle."

To Be Continued...