New

Haven't been here for such a long time.

Haven't been where I am in a lot of ways for a very long time.

After two of the most emotionally, physically and spiritually taxing years of my life I am sitting in a church, listening to a choir sing at 7:21pm and marvelling at the power of Time.

A year ago this time, things were completely different. Well not everything. But the atmosphere of my life, my bank account, my prayer life, my love life and my mind was so dark and dire that it baffles the mind to actually realise that I am sitting here and I am fine.

I asked myself this question this morning. Where does the time and the hurt go? You wake up in the morning and can't get up because breathing is empty of meaning. In all the ways imaginable. You can't smile. You can't laugh. Every time your phone rings or lights up its bad news. Rejection is your middle name. Disappointment your perfume. And you walk and you walk and you walk through the barren landscape of your mind with nowhere real to go.

No escape.

And I spent seven months of last year like that. Many people hide depression behind fake smiles, fake hair, fake friends, world changing work, family meetings, alcohol, drugs, partying, sex, fights, and any other thing they can think of to draw attention away from their emptiness. I had none of those things. No fake aesthetics. Very few real friends and no fake ones because I have no time. None of the other things either. And so I had to breathe and stretch and beast through it.

I tried running away. Running away is easy. So I got up and left the country in the middle of chaos. No phone. No real plan. Just an easy exit. But before I knew it real life was calling me back. Into the chaos. And I was missing my anchor. Nothing more destructive than being out here, untethered, unstable, lost, alone and without an anchor. Especially when both your divine and human ones are completely silent. No answers from the usual places. No answers from the unusual places either.

Silence.

At this point most people say, "I looked inside myself and dug deep to find my source" or something profound and deep like that. None of that applied to me. There was nothing inside when I dug deep. N O T H I N G. So I gave up.

And when I say gave up, I mean that giving up. On everything. I started faking everything. Even laughter. If you asked me what I was laughing at when I was done, I couldn't have told you. I quit. And it felt amazing. Not caring about anything. Even saying things like, "I don't need to wake up tomorrow let me just die."

What was scary was waking up and realising that that day, I meant it.

I didn't dig deep. My friends dug me out. They came, they called, they badgered and begged normalcy out of me. They saved my life.

I am sitting in this chair thinking about that time, and I remember all of it. All the loss. All the despair. I didn't believe any of it could ever get better. But here I am, a year later and I can smile, I can laugh, I can SING.

I am grateful to still have life. I have all the things God gave me. People and things I thought I had lost during that time, are still here and even more so. And yes, granted, it does not all make sense, it does not all feel good yet, but by God it feels so much better. And it means something to know that nothing dark lasts forever.

You can hold on to light. You can hold on to hope. I am still learning how. But I know its possible. For me. And for you too. You have so much to be thankful for.

I am sitting here. And I am new. And I have nothing to lose but the things I am careless with. There's alot I want to change. But I am learning to focus on the things I can control. I still struggle, but I am learning to navigate around the landmines of my life. Learning to pick my battles. Learning to say sorry. Learning to tell the truth. Learning to let go. Learning how to trust. Learning how to trust MYSELF. Learning and growing and accepting the fact that I am human. Getting to the place where I only have the time for people who realise and accept that I am human too.

I am here. And I am new. Not quitting anymore.

J.