The Matrimony... (not the title but you get it.)

“What a small word we use for an idea so immense and powerful, it has altered the flow of history, calmed monsters and has hardened hearts speaking in the sweetest of tones
Discover this beauty by eliminating your fear of the unknown
To truly love is to understand this, to be in love is to respect this
Love is strong,yet more delicate than the morning mist that settles on green blades of grass and presents itself as a bed of kisses
Love is the sunshine that brings a golden glow upon its beholders face
It’s the broad smile, the burning cheeks, the “swept off my feet into that heavenly place” sensation….its undeniable
The best and most beautiful things in the world are felt by the heart, that cause skipped heart beats to become a treasured, weather intimately close or far apart, it’s still the most sought after owner of hearts
Love
It uncages souls, opens eyes and leaves millions of memories of smiles called stars to remind the world that it still exists.
It’s only destiny that two paths meet to become one path widened.
I stood in the presence of sheer destiny in July 2011
When total admiration for another being conquered his understanding and his tongue spoke similes no simple mind could imagine
When he claimed what was not yet his because he had his mind on a goal.
I knew she had captured more than his heart, she had captivated his soul.
I watched as they disintegrated jazz during a slow dance, enhancing its melodic tunes, and how they wrestled with times hands because he too fell prey to this love so true, he had to remain in that moment over and over again.
God spoke the finest poetry into their union
Handed them their dreams and with fingers interlocked between lovers hands, he told them to run.
At the break of dawn the tiny tickles of toes, the birth of their first son, an uncomprehendable beauty.
I heard how his voice transformed gradually being stripped of every essence of “manly” to cater to her delicate nature
And how when he called her name, it echoed the beauty of a promising future together.
We are here to witness this love so divine,
The kind of love that feels like a thousand ants doing a rain dance down your spine
With your hairs standing tall reaching for the sky ambitiously and your heart growing wings adamant to soar but its cradled by gravity….
I saw how he looked into her eyes as if they unlocked portals to eternity
And how she would give it all up to him gladly…..
As their childhood dream comes true today, I pray the happiness behind these memories never fades away.”

By Mutinta Marie-Jose Bbenkele (The duchess)

From www.elleyou.wordpress.com

New

Haven't been here for such a long time.

Haven't been where I am in a lot of ways for a very long time.

After two of the most emotionally, physically and spiritually taxing years of my life I am sitting in a church, listening to a choir sing at 7:21pm and marvelling at the power of Time.

A year ago this time, things were completely different. Well not everything. But the atmosphere of my life, my bank account, my prayer life, my love life and my mind was so dark and dire that it baffles the mind to actually realise that I am sitting here and I am fine.

I asked myself this question this morning. Where does the time and the hurt go? You wake up in the morning and can't get up because breathing is empty of meaning. In all the ways imaginable. You can't smile. You can't laugh. Every time your phone rings or lights up its bad news. Rejection is your middle name. Disappointment your perfume. And you walk and you walk and you walk through the barren landscape of your mind with nowhere real to go.

No escape.

And I spent seven months of last year like that. Many people hide depression behind fake smiles, fake hair, fake friends, world changing work, family meetings, alcohol, drugs, partying, sex, fights, and any other thing they can think of to draw attention away from their emptiness. I had none of those things. No fake aesthetics. Very few real friends and no fake ones because I have no time. None of the other things either. And so I had to breathe and stretch and beast through it.

I tried running away. Running away is easy. So I got up and left the country in the middle of chaos. No phone. No real plan. Just an easy exit. But before I knew it real life was calling me back. Into the chaos. And I was missing my anchor. Nothing more destructive than being out here, untethered, unstable, lost, alone and without an anchor. Especially when both your divine and human ones are completely silent. No answers from the usual places. No answers from the unusual places either.

Silence.

At this point most people say, "I looked inside myself and dug deep to find my source" or something profound and deep like that. None of that applied to me. There was nothing inside when I dug deep. N O T H I N G. So I gave up.

And when I say gave up, I mean that giving up. On everything. I started faking everything. Even laughter. If you asked me what I was laughing at when I was done, I couldn't have told you. I quit. And it felt amazing. Not caring about anything. Even saying things like, "I don't need to wake up tomorrow let me just die."

What was scary was waking up and realising that that day, I meant it.

I didn't dig deep. My friends dug me out. They came, they called, they badgered and begged normalcy out of me. They saved my life.

I am sitting in this chair thinking about that time, and I remember all of it. All the loss. All the despair. I didn't believe any of it could ever get better. But here I am, a year later and I can smile, I can laugh, I can SING.

I am grateful to still have life. I have all the things God gave me. People and things I thought I had lost during that time, are still here and even more so. And yes, granted, it does not all make sense, it does not all feel good yet, but by God it feels so much better. And it means something to know that nothing dark lasts forever.

You can hold on to light. You can hold on to hope. I am still learning how. But I know its possible. For me. And for you too. You have so much to be thankful for.

I am sitting here. And I am new. And I have nothing to lose but the things I am careless with. There's alot I want to change. But I am learning to focus on the things I can control. I still struggle, but I am learning to navigate around the landmines of my life. Learning to pick my battles. Learning to say sorry. Learning to tell the truth. Learning to let go. Learning how to trust. Learning how to trust MYSELF. Learning and growing and accepting the fact that I am human. Getting to the place where I only have the time for people who realise and accept that I am human too.

I am here. And I am new. Not quitting anymore.

J.