80/20 Part 1

Once upon a time there was a man.

He was young and handsome and intelligent. He worked hard and played hard and had dreams and goals and aspirations just like everybody else.

This man, we will call him Julius for now, had everything he needed and a lot of what he wanted. He should have been content. But he suffered from the "more" disease. So he pushed himself and pushed himself in every area to be better, to grow, to work harder, to acquire, to be a man.

Admirable stuff. He was everything a woman could want and everything a mother would want for her daughter.

One afternoon in a gas station convenience store, Julius bumped into Leleti. She was picking up a bottle of soy sauce she had accidentally knocked off a shelf when he turned the corner into the aisle and noticed her ankles. Of all the things. Ankles.

"Sorry" and "excuse me" and a six pack of Castle Lite later, Julius walked out of the store. Shades on, windows up, music loud, face expressionless, he couldn't erase the image of those flawless ankles from his mind. He drove to his appointment absent mindedly and could not explain it to Suwilanji when he forgot what he was supposed to be doing for the rest of the afternoon.

Suwi cleared up the kitchen and packed up the dishes with a question in her head and a frown on her brow. She couldn't quite put her finger on it but for some reason her usually hilarious boyfriend, always the life of the party had been particularly subdued this afternoon. It didn't really help that her friends were going on and on about wedding things either. Making it a point to reassure him of the fact that they were not speaking on her behalf, she turned off the lights and went up to bed and a Skype date.

He rarely ever slept over. And she was okay with that.

Suwi was a really simple girl. The things that mattered to her were quality time and friendships and honesty. She would much rather cuddle on the sofa or play board games than attend all the things she got invited to.

She worked hard too. Made it a habit to save and live within her means. She ran her own little business and had two stores on separate ends of town that were doing really well. She spent alot of time alone. Julius worked long hours and her friends were more raucous than she cared to admit these days.

She was loyal. Breathtakingly beautiful but always understated. Caring, kind, supportive and so soft. She made sense to him because she cushioned his hardness and embraced his aloofness in awe. Suwi was home to Julius. She had a temper and sometimes she put him under pressure to do things but for the most part she was perfect for him.

She balanced out his imbalance and he was her pillar. Her North Star. Her guiding light. And he was so smart and so interesting and so much to be proud of. It helped that he said he thought she was amazing...told her he loved her every day...

Two years and eight months into this thing and everyone expected them to get married. The white picket fence and the three kids. They looked amazing together. And nobody understood the one better than the other. Nobody.

A match made in heaven. But trouble was brewing in hell.

Julius walked into the building at 9am for his presentation. Rosewood suit on point. Arthur George socks that she got him for his birthday. Pale pink tie that she picked out for his pale pink shirt inside the navy blue jacket cut to fit his 6'1" frame like a glove. Perfect gold cuff links, and an initialled tie pin; he looked like a million and fifty bucks.

He walked up to the secretary's desk and waited for her to come and attend to him. Looked at his watch and in that instant he saw the ankles again. Light caramel skin emerging from a pair of cream high heeled red bottoms. Curves leading up to the prettiest dimpled knees that disappeared into a deep purple skirt that hugged her hourglass figure like skin.

The whole world stopped.

"Hello Mr...ummm sorry, can I help you?"

He came back to his senses. Surely this was not a coincidence. Surely.

Introducing himself and stating his business, Julius walked into the meeting bewildered, perplexed and a little hot under the collar. His jaded eyes failed to take in Leleti's overly large nose and too far spread out eyes and the fact that her teeth were somewhat stained and she smelt faintly of sweat even at 9 in the morning.

He couldn't get past the ankles.

Making a mental note to obtain her number on his way out, Julius launched into his presentation. The deal done and paperwork exchanged, he left the building with her business card burning a brazen hole into his breast pocket.

His mind ablaze with curiosity, he failed to remember Suwi's call earlier that morning inviting him to brunch to discuss progress on their joint building project.

Suwi waited. 12 o'clock. 12:30. 1 o'clock. Then she called. And he didn't pick up.

To Be Continued...

Cocoons & Caves

I heard a conversation or an interview or read a blog somewhere a few days ago. I cannot remember what it was but I remember that somebody said the following.

"Just because they don't say anything, people feel the need to fill in the blanks. Whether the filling in is factual or not, nobody cares as long as there is some kind of information. Doesn't matter who gets hurt."

The truth in this statement made me think about a lot of things. I am not one to claim to have haters. I don't really know what a hater is. Some people love me, others like me, yet others merely tolerate, while others completely dislike me and there are even some who are completely indifferent. They don't care either way. While a select few wouldn't spit on me if I were on fire. I don't know what a "hater" is. And to be honest there are people in each of those categories when it comes to my affection as well.

I don't hold people's feelings about me against them. Nobody should. Its not what I am called but what I answer to that matters. But I can understand the angst of innocent people who become the targets of smear campaigns and deliberate character assassination.

The thing about gossip, malice and slander is that they spring forth from an inner well of negativity that in the end destroys the host more than anybody else.

Its true. A person living their life in peace has no need whatsoever to explain themselves to anyone. But why is it that just because the details of my last meal are not posted on my instagram, you feel the need to assume and broadcast the "fact" that I couldn't afford to have dinner last night?

Social media and its offshoots have basics out here buying dreams that aren't even on sale. I say this all the time. Fact of the matter is, the truth is always either universally known or fiercely protected. And when its fiercely protected people will give their eyeteeth to know. So when they can't find out they make up lies.

Its funny how just because a nigga rocked up in a well cut suit, everyone will assume he is made and the ratchets will crawl out of the woodwork, vaginas buzzing in anticipation, offering themselves as blood sacrifice in the hope that the trickle down effect of his paycheck will lubricate their exorbitant hair budgets.

I have seen this with my own eyes. Women eyeing a man like an actual piece of meat. Little do they know, homeboy is nothing like what he seems and the people who do know who he really is will guard him with their lives.

Same thing with people's relationships. Why is it everyone's business all of a sudden? Doesn't matter if you are Chris Brown or Christopher Banda at the liquor shop, somebody always has something to say about your business.

It all boils down to a lack of self worth. And having too much time on your hands. Its true what they say about small people discussing other people. If there isn't enough going on in your life you qualify as a small person. People really are dying of ebola and hunger and violent crimes and yet here you are discussing other people and fabricating explanations of things that never needed to be explained.

There is safety in solitude. In hiding. In the quiet privacy of my cocoon or my cave where nobody knows anything but me. I can sing out loud and walk around naked, eat leftovers and sleep with the light on when my nightmares wake me up and nobody but nobody will ever see or know who I really am and what I really do or think or need or fear. And that's how I like it. Because who cares about "haters" when you are safe inside your own space?

When I emerge from that bubble, I don't care about anything except returning to it. Because I learned the hard way that you cannot trust anybody outside the bubble. And you can never tell anyone outside your circle anything true. Because good or bad it will be used against you.

When it comes down to it you know, statements have to be made. Things have to be said. Insults demand response. Disrespect demands retaliation right? That's what they say.

So here is an answer to all those questions you have about me, my life, my health, my HIV status, my relationship, my family, my job, my wardrobe, my friends list and the state of my bank account: IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. You would do well to remember that the next time you have something to say about me or mine.

The Groove

Thump thump thud thud...drum and bass.

In music these progressions make the difference between smooth and bounce that we call the "groove."

I like to say that Nigerians understand the groove. They do. Davido's "Gobe" and Iyanya's "Kukere" are two recent examples. You find from time to time South Africa surprises us. Mafikizolo and "Tchelete" definitely gave us groove.

You see for me the groove is felt the hardest in those creations that cause your feet to tap even when you don't mean for them to and bob your head or even just give up on the decorum and just get up and dance.

My best friend goes nuts in the car driving from work. We can't stop and let him free himself but trust and believe, when the groove gets him nothing can hold his joy. And that's the beautiful thing about music. The way it inspires movement, feeling, sympathy, joy, irresistibly demanding from us our innate instincts and reactions.

Music will tell the truth for you when your words can't. It spreads messages without the use of bundles or long articulation in wordy sentences that nobody particularly reads till the end.

And one of my musical grandparents says it best when he says we need it for absolutely everything. There can be no party, no wedding, no funeral, no news broadcast, no movie, no restaurant ambience without music. It colors every aspect of our lives and our expression.

I heard a speech a short while ago as Lionel Richie accepted his Lifetime Achievement Award in which he implored artists to never ever stop being authentic. Authenticity is what made it possible for there to be so many genres and influences and nuances in this art we hold so dear. As a fledgling musician the opportunity and privilege to do what I love and to learn and grow in excellence every single day is a blessing that can not ever be explained or taken for granted.

So as I make my transition from the borderline into what is termed "gospel" music I am grateful for the freedom of expression that allows me to tell stories in this voice of mine and have all of you hear it underneath the amazing groove I have created. I am not learning a genre. I am creating my own. I have many influences and many shades and I am excited to share all I have learnt in the past two years.

I have to thank my band. As we jump onto this ride I hope you know I am grateful for you and for the groove. You have no idea how many things you have saved me from. 7 months to go. Let's do it like only we can for the first time of many!

To all my fans and everyone that has supported me from every single day one that I have shared with each of you, thankyou. I really am doing this for all of you and for the groove.

Peace, Love & Beautiful Music,

M.M

Here's the link to "Wonderful", think of me as you tap those feet!

http://old.hulkshare.com/mobile/index.php#userPublic.php

Aftershock

There is a reason I am this me.

Many will describe me based on what they see. Medium height, not light but not dark skinned. Medium weight, not fat and not skinny. Big eyes. Very expressive eyes. Smallish feet and long fingers. Pretty toes.  Ordinary looking behind. Very black hair. Big ears...the list of physical attributes endless and not particularly memorable except for the eyes. No the eyes seem to be a big deal.

Very few people will tell you that I am clumsy or that I bite my nails when I am nervous and strain my eyes continuously because I am short sighted but absolutely hate that I have to squint. Very few people will tell you that I place one foot on top of the other when I cook or that I have two left feet and never dance. Very few people will tell you that I have different acents for different intonations and have a very wide vocabulary that I very rarely use. Except in my poems.

Very few people will tell you that I am a really bad liar and a huge crier and O have an extremely short fuse. Only one person will tell you that when I cry my bottom lip gets the shakes and a little dimple appears that nobody else knows is there.

Even fewer people can accurately describe who I really AM. And that's okay.

In the search for inner peace, serenity, clarity and balance I have learnt a few things about life. For one thing, nothing is ever what it seems. The truth is always just that. And sometimes it hides in plain sight. And who I really am is MY truth and nobody else's business.

Trust is a fragile thing. And it doesn't take much to break it. Sometimes even in doing good one finds they have crossed lines they never should have and trust is left broken.

Loyalty cannot be bought. You choose who you are loyal to. And that choice doesn't always have to be logical. Loyalty is a heart thing. Because when your back is against the wall the choice to be loyal will depend on how hard your heart beats as you stare down the barrel of that gun.

In love it is best to take everything one moment at a time. What you see right now will not be the same tomorrow. Emotions change overnight. Cherish the good moments, collect the memories and don't exaggerate the bad ones...magnify the good and accept and forgive the bad...it will save you time and trouble and even if it ends, the hurt will be different. The good will remain intact. Its only what you CHOOSE to make important that IS important.

Family is everything. Through the ups and downs your family will keep you going. And its not only blood that determines who family is. Half the time when the chips are down the blood will be watered down.

Plans are just plans. Your life and your destiny are already mapped out. The end result depends on your choices. Not on your plans. Sometimes those choices work for those plans and those plans are mapped out on the right path so they work. But other times it happens that plans go awry and you have to stop, drop and roll or regroup and rebuild. When that happens, don't give up. Keep going and keep believing. The difference between the man who gave up and the man that made it was the courage and the faith to believe in just 'one more try'...

Wisdom has nothing to do with age. Folly is the same. A woman should be discreet. The woman who shouts about her husband's long johns in the town square forgets that she is the one who is meant to wash them. Your secrets only reflect badly on YOU in the end.

I have seen and heard a lot of things in the past 24 hours that have made me rethink the people in my life and who they really are and the weirdness of life. But at the end of the day one thing is for sure, the only one who can decide who I am, what I do and what I believe in is me. And that's all that really matters in the end.

(This post is for Ashley Gibbs and for my one.)

#TitaniumSolid #Kilimanjaro #LoveOverEverything

J. Bird.

My Predicament

I am in Love.

Its a weakness. A weak point. A thorn in my flesh. Because you see, you can use it against me.

But I am in Love.

Solidly, shamelessly,  destructively in love. In spite of myself and regardless of what my innate wisdom dictates. And you know what? I am done fighting it.

I have rationalised the sensible decision of weaning myself from this destructive influence. I have sensationalised the glamor of the emptiness that would remain if I were to succeed in this stupid endeavor and I have come up empty. Because when push comes to shove one will always choose the happier option.

See clarity I often say, is extremely underrated. Sometimes all it takes is a moment of silence.  Of aloneness and personal honesty and in that moment the courage to look yourself in the face and accept what really is and agree to live with it.

I am no martyr.

The delicious chill that runs down my spine when finger brushes cheek or lip brushes nape of neck or hand cups face or eyes meet is no blood draining sacrifice. I have no real complaints. I walked in with my eyes wide open. Heart closed shut. How was I to know he was on some kind of mission?

I am in Love.

So deeply in love that it scares. I don't forget anything. At all. And its all I can think about. I have always been so good at following rules. But I shiver and shake and call when I am not supposed to and its sickening and pathetic and real. I am soft. Putty in his hands. Manipulating me into submission and then I hate myself for it.

Because it is a weakness. I should not tell all. Or tell the truth. Or face up to my shortcomings. He should never see me sweat. Or hear me catch my breath. Or feel me respond.  And it isn't even sexual. Its this warmth. This unique oneness. This rightness. It feels like Home.

I am in Love.

This is no declaration.  Nobody cares. This is an admission of guilt to myself. See the smart thing to do is run. But I have had all the time in the world to do that and he is still stuck here. With me. Addictions are straightforward.  You know they are no good for you but they disassemble the togetherness of your biology to foster a fatal dependence in order to maintain functionality.

This that I am dealing with, it has nothing to do with my blood. So it should be easy right. Tonight I had a conversation with myself in the mirror. And she laughed at my postulating pretentious fantasies of Freedom. Because Freedom is what I need. To be able to be selfish and uncaring and see, hear and feel nothing. But instead, here I am still flinching when his shoulder gets caught in a weird position as he puts his jacket back on. Foolish me.

I am in Love.

Deeply and hopelessly in love. And maybe its time I let that be. Because its okay. I am not losing that much anyway...just my entire mind....

#TitaniumSolid #Kilimanjaro

M.M

"Wonderful "

I have been a singer for nearly four years now. Singing is easy. Anyone can do it. Singing WELL is another story. And all the work that goes into it, the writing and production, performing and promotion its a trip I tell you.

But there are moments when its worth it. To sit with my band in the booth cracking our jokes and adding syncopations and getting tired of playing the same loop over and over again till we get it right are all a beautiful part of our process. Of my process.

Next month I release the first single off my album. Its called "Wonderful" and my mum has been saying since I sang it for her that it should be a praise song. Today I was in there going through it while we recorded the final version and new words came to me.

I haven't been to church in nearly two months. Been dealing with some hard things. But to tell you the truth today I remembered God. He is always here for me. Always.

So much of my life wouldn't be possible if it weren't for God carrying me and carving out my path and just being here. I forget when things don't go my way and convince myself that He has let me down or abandoned me. But you know what? People let you down. God never will.

God is wonderful. And for the first time in my short career I am proud to say that I sang a song for Him and it gives me so much joy to share it with the world.

It was originally just a love song I collaborated on with Mahogany Jones and James Sakala with. But now its a really dope song that I recorded with the help of Elect Band and the inimitable Benjamin Blazer. Lol! (It has a cool ring to it.)

Watch this space for updates. I hope you will like it.! ;)

Unforgettably Yours,

M.M

Choices & Time

Its in the business of the hustle and bustle of life that we often forget the significance of time. We spend so much of it without ever truly appreciating its value.

I have a friend who collects watches. Looking at his collection made me think of all the moments each time piece represents. Because all the hours and the minutes and the seconds of your day pass through each tick of the little hands in your watch whether you care to look at it or not.

Time is so precious.  The opportunity cost of every choice you make in each second of every day is such a phenomenal concept that I deign to dedicate a few lines to the amazing juxtapositions of each moment and choice we make.

A step across the road a minute too soon resulting in death or injury. A glance behind a curtain a minute too late, and you would have missed evidence of betrayal. One moment with a woman instead of staying put at your desk leading to a divorce. One moment being in the right place at the right time and a job offer changes your life.

I could have been anywhere in the world in 2004 but I was where I was and did what I did. Met the people I did became the person I was. 8 years later a chance meeting led to a recommendation that led to another chance meeting that flipped the course of my entire existence. And the wheels have turned and turned and turned. And the time has passed and I did not know it .

Every moment has a twin. Every choice has a twin. One step to the left and a life of peace joy and fulfilment or a step to the right and a life of pain. In moments. Every choice you make triggers a domino effect of actions and reactions in the cosmos that sometimes you don't even understand until it all comes together.

I want to spend the rest of my life making less mistakes. The thing about time is that you can't get it back once its gone. Turning the moments over and over in your mind won't change them once things begin to fall apart.

Its a challenge to me and to everyone else too. What do you want to do with your time and your choices? Live recklessly, without consideration, acting first and thinking later or will you be that person that lives a life of choices made that you can stand behind and proudly own up to because they were the right things to do?

Do the best you can with the time you have. Its all you've got in the end....