Babyfather…

 Babyfather…

I listen to this song every single day…maybe I’m broody….

“We were waiting for the bus

No one much around but us

Then I see this young boy stop to look at me

I’m stunned, in a daze

He had the whole street set ablaze

Its only love they say

Makes you feel this way

She liked his eyes, she wanted more

The baby’s gonna have your smile for sure

He saw a lovely girl

Smelling sweet and soapy like fresh air

She saw him looking, acted like she didn’t care

That’s how we knew

And so love grew

A flower that is you….

Even to the angels it may sound like a lie

For you, child,

He has the troops and extra backup standing by

For you, child,

He is the best he can be

Don’t you know?

Your daddy’s love comes with a lifetime guarantee…” (Sade – Babyfather)

It’s such a sweet, thoughtful song…..and it made me think of how nice it would be to have a baby grow inside me and the sweet little things I would say to him….

I used to want an Indian baby…don’t laugh…they have beautiful hair…maybe one day I will adopt…maybe…but then you kinda think “What about a baby that looks like me?”….

So this is what I would say to my little unborn baby if he were here with me now… :)

Dear You,

Hope you’re really warm in there…mummy loves you…today I saw a flower…bloom and grow…and I thought about how beautiful life is…the little baby you will be, growing into a little child with mud on your hands and grass in your hair…growing into a sturdy boy playing soccer and coming first in class…one day you will grin at me with that gap in between your teeth and introduce me to your girlfriend…and when I’m old and grey you will drive me to church and sit next to me…little daydreams….

How a seed can grow from something I can’t even see into a man that women will admire and men will respect…that is beautiful to me….

I wonder if you will have my eyes or my huge ears…will you have my quick to burn temper or your father’s slowly brewing one? Will you like music or making pictures? Will you be tall like your grandfather or short like me? Will you cook or play video games? Or maybe, will you do both…or none of the above? I wonder…little silly daydreams…

I hope you will know that you are loved. I hope you will know that I live and breathe for you and the day I will see your little face and hold you and name you and hear you cry. I hope you will know that you are protected and that you can come to me with anything. I hope you will love God and your family, that you will be a man of honour who tells the truth, works hard at his craft and is responsible for the things that belong to him. I hope that you will see the beauty in the little things and that one day you will say these things to your own children and remember me saying them to you….

But most of all I hope that one day you will become real…

Love,

Mummy…

I really hope that one day I’ll get to say all that…don’t mind me…I have a song for everything….

Hurt

Hurt

Sometimes we think in our little shallow minds that hurt hurts…that when your boyfriend dumps you or cheats on you then that’s hurt…yesterday I met Hurt…not saying the other stuff isn’t painful but yesterday I met Hurt…and he is a tall, fat, horrible man to behold….

Pain is different…it means many different things to many different people. For example, I think the prick of a needle at the hospital is painful…and the way your arm gets so squeezed up when the nurse checks your pressure…that’s painful too…but it won’t scar you….

Yesterday, I was scarred…..

Once, a long time ago, a dog chased me. I ran so hard and so fast and I fell…scraped my arm on the asphalt. Gosh that hurt!!!! I had a huge black thing on my arm to remind me for years…still got a little scar on my elbow actually. For ages after that I couldn’t be around any kind of dog. Until last year…and even then, old Bruno freaked me the hell out!! Well, in the beginning he did…..

Anyway, the point of this story is that…when I am uncomfortable, I run…and fast…..and then in the process sometimes I get tripped up by my fear and the outcome is never good…leaves me with horrid scars…and then I spend years trying to get over things…

Wouldn’t it be better if I could look at the fear and see the lesson in it and walk away with something good? I mean, yesterday I was hurt, I cried my eyes out and it felt a little better afterwards…and then I looked somebody in the eye and didn’t say anything…and when somebody called her names a minute after, I defended her because she is the sister of my heart and I love her….

So many times I needed to be rescued she was there…and she has kept me even when she was mean or I was foolish for almost ten years…that doesn’t just go away no matter how painful it felt to see her stab me in the back…I know that if I was dying in the street I could still call her and she would hurry to help me…because deep down inside she still loves me, no matter what I do…and I love her just the same…that is my lesson…to see the good in my hurt…because I could have lashed out…but ten years of living with somebody on and off is stronger than a little needle prick at my pride….

This is about a relationship…but not about a boy...it’s about somebody I really love that really hurt me…but they taught me something. No one has the power to hurt me more than my friends…but I won’t put my guard up and I won’t run, because I love her still…I choose to forgive, forget and move on…no tripping this time…..

Just a thought....

Tell the truth....

If I could have one superhuman gift it would be to read minds...that way I would know when somebody is lying....and believe me, people lie all the time.

I lie...

I  lie sometimes, to protect myself, other times to protect others...sometimes I lie just because I can get away with it...

Thing about it though, is people don't realise the effects of their deceit on the people they love...and the people who love them...someone I love once told me, "To every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." And then proceeded to shatter my world...what should be the reaction to that? I'd really like to know....what is truth if it can be bent and twisted and fried and coated in sugarpaste to make it prettier or make it sting a little less?

I really would like to know....and the funny thing is you can never ask. I can never ask a person who hurt me why they did...because chances are, they will lie....and lie some more...or they will tell you the truth so covered up that it becomes a lie....

The last time I told a lie, I cringed...and I wondered if I was the only one....people tell the truth so little these days....its easier to tell my overweight friend that she looks great in her mini skirt even when I know she'd be better off in a maxi-dress....its easy to say you'll be home late because you're working than to say you're out cheating with your boss's wife...its easier to pretend you got the correct change and lie by omission than give the tired old lady at the till the 10pin she gave you by mistake...I know...we've all done something or other to that effect....

But to look in the mirror and say to myself that I'm proud of every single thing I've done today....that's not easy...I wanted to do it last night, but I failed....

The point of it all I guess, is that I want to tell the truth. I don't want to deceive somebody with my actions and then turn around and out of the blue, do the one thing that would make them jump out of their skin in disbelief! I want to always be able to say I did right by whoever I'm dealing with...that I never gave them cause to look at me and want to rip my heart out with their teeth. I want to be honest and open with people, honest and open with myself...and everyday I want to live my truth....because only in living my truth can I find true freedom...and hey, I remember that person saying to me once, that if I treated them the way I wanted to be treated and they did the same to me, then we would be more than fine....that at least, wasn't a lie....

Happy thinking on it.....

The first of a lot of pages.....walk with me.....

I don't believe in coincidence any more. Nothing happens accidentally...the man you met on the street, the woman who spilt her drink on you in the bus, the child that wouldn't stop crying at the corner....never an accident...always something to think about.

There are so many things I have seen and heard, thought and done, believed and championed...so many things that still haunt me. And yet...I still make mistakes. the same old ones, even newer more stupid ones or once in a blue moon, the one mistake I don't even realise I made....

What moves you? Which little thing, remains in your memory, a question, a thought, an image of a maybe or a might have been? How many things do you believe you would do differently if the chance to re-do came along?

I know for a fact there are many of those in my memory. Things I would have done very differently if I had known the outcome. But the memories stop at regret. Because I don't have many of those. Regrets. I know for a fact that all the things I have seen and heard, felt and suffered, loved and lost helped to make me who I am today. Sounds so overused, underrated....but its true. I hate the uni I went to. But I met so many people and did so many things that taught me about myself. I didn't know for sure what I wanted to do with my life till uni kicked me out of my little bubble and showed me that I don't really want a book education....and that's only one thing....

It crossed my mind yesterday, as I went to sleep hampered with worry about today and it's inevitably heart rending outcome, that the things I can't control are all lessons. And when today came and went and I was still standing upright, I smiled to myself and said thank you...for the little things that I CAN change....and took the last step home....because it's all step by step, this journey called Life...and I'm becoming best friends with that woman named Acceptance....she is difficult...but she is very real...and she comes along with her daughter Peace...peace found in the knowledge that I can't change everything about tomorrow....but I can accept and be grateful for the little things...and for the fact that I am still here, still kicking, still learning, still alive.....

Maybe that's the might have been I should be concentrating on....maybe, I should think about what if I didn't have all the things I do have??? The past is gone...we can't change it..but I know for sure, that for every tear you ever cried, you smiled a hundred smiles...and that in itself, was not a coincidence...or an accident...its something to be very thankful for.....