My Top Ten: For The Men

So it strikes me that relationships are funny things. This will be a cheeky little post, if it applies to you feel free to make it real in your own life, if it doesn't well then this is just, "some light reading..." I wrote a post about women and how they treat men last year and I was thinking that perhaps I should flip the script.

This is coming from my own experiences and the experiences of my friends that from time to time are the subject of late night calls and prayer sessions. I don't know if it rings true for everybody, but that's the thing, if you're reading this then I know you will make up your own mind.

So after that short disclaimer, let’s talk about what girls want and why men really are from Mars while we have always been right here on Earth.

1. Communication Is Key.

Now I know this sounds cliché, we say it all the time. But have you ever considered that 'communication' might mean different things to a man than it does to a woman? 

She isn't looking at you like that when you are standing next to that girl with the more pronounced curves and the flat stomach because she is trying to turn you into stone; she is looking at you like that because she can't say that she worries when you look. Not because she doesn't trust you but just because she does. And YOU need to SAY with your mouth that she has nothing to worry about.

Women don't always say what they mean because sometimes they are just afraid to. I don't want you to judge me, or think I'm needy so I will bite my tongue even when my gut is burning because I don't like the way someone is flirting with you, or you were out late three weekends in a row and you 'forgot' to hang out with me.

Sad thing is there are times when things pile up and then when she finally opens her mouth he is sitting there like "Whoa! Who hit you? With what?"

That's why it’s important to say what needs to be said when it needs to be said. Say "I Love You," she needs to HEAR it. She needs to feel it too, so communicate it through your actions as well. Say you're sorry and don't defend yourself when you're wrong. Let her sulk but hold her while she does and tell her that you didn't mean it.

Tell her what bothers you, yeah, they say you aren't supposed to. But she needs to know and when you tell her, when you confide in her, she feels important and useful and TRUSTED. So tell her. Talk to her. Make her your sound board. Tell her what you like and what you don't like. Tell her your deal breakers.

Let her decide for herself to be devoted but let it be an informed decision.

She can never know what is really in your heart unless you SAY it.

And tell the truth. There is nothing more strengthening for a true bond than brutal honesty.

2. Try A Little Tenderness.

Teddy Pendergrass said it best. You get better results when you stroke than when you use your elbows!

There is nothing that gets to me like a gentle answer, a quiet probe, a deep look into my eyes when you ask me what's wrong. Nothing. And I am a crier so bear with me. But see, if she is afraid of you or she feels like when she tells you her weaknesses you will use them against her, then she never will.

Gentleness is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. It’s a GOOD thing. Its not a weak thing. You can be a man and be gentle. Heck, you're more of a man if you are. And this tenderness is in everything.

Treat her like your flower, easily bruised but warming up to the heat of the sun smiling on her. Be her sun. But be firm. She needs to naturally follow where you lead.

Learn her boundaries and master them so skillfully that she will be pleasantly surprised when she learns that you have breached her defenses, deftly springing up and over her walls right into the deepest recesses of her heart.

I have only ever dated one person that I trusted with my real ugly. Because he is gentle and he is the only real gentle I have ever known.

3. Don't Get It Twisted.

Now not all of us want the house with the white picket fence and you know what? That's perfectly fine. But you need to know the difference and what to do with either type. Now I am talking to MEN about WOMEN. Not to BOYS about GIRLS. So this is about being ready from where I am standing for real life decisions and the like.

Now if she is Miss Independent, chances are she is one of two types. She is either doing bad all by herself and not interested in all of that or she is ready for something real and solid and looking to become part of an amazing partnership.

You want Miss Independent.

Trust me. Don't be out there messing with Miss I Need YOU To Survive. That's not the responsibility God gave you. Eve did not come out here asking for a lung. She was ready to play her position, to the point of getting that man into trouble, but that's another blog post for another day. She may not have all the money in the world but she has to be strong and mature enough to have something to offer and to hold her man down.

So anyway, if she is doing bad all by herself it just means she isn't ready, and maybe she never will be but one day she might and when that happens you have to figure out a few things.

What does she REALLY want? And does it tie into what you want? If it doesn't get to stepping. You don't need the drama. But if she is worth sitting down to work out a compromise then COMMUNICATE that and work it out.

A real woman who is ready will know that sometimes you won't be on the same page. But if you are committed to working it out and writing the book together then she will be willing to wait it out till you can get to where she is and wife her. But you have to say these things. I might plan the whole wedding but don't for one second think that I will go through with it if it isn't really something you want. Because more than all of that I just want to BE WITH YOU and build towards something that will make God and our families proud. And you will have to commit to that. 

Some men run away because they freak out before they ever ask what she wants and what she is willing to wait for. But she would probably tell you that the solid relationship, leading up to the lifelong solemn commitment before God is the most important part because without it, everything you promise before God is a lie.

4. We Really Aren't That Complicated.

Women are simple creatures that get lost within their own conflicts and lead you through that labyrinth blindly because they don't know it themselves. But that's why we are interesting! No?

Let me speak for myself on this one.

I say ALOT of things.

But to be honest when it comes to the man in my life, I want very few things. Well, its alot but its simple things. See what I said about the labyrinth?

I want you to call and text and come to visit. I want you to spend time with me, even if its just a few minutes in the day, two days a week. Just so that I know that no matter how busy you get, you are thinking of me.

I like it when you wine and dine me in fancy places BUT I really like our quiet broke moments so much better because we are just us then and all we have is laughter and cheap chicken and each other. I also like it when we hang out with my friends but even more so when we hang out with YOURS and the best is when it becomes one happy bunch because then my world is your world and its cool. I wanna sleep in your tshirts and watch movies with you and do fun stuff that creates memories that are just for the two of us.

I want to be with someone who is committed to me. Someone who is proud to claim me. Someone who is gonna take me home and tell his parents that I'm his girl and let them get to know me. I want to be with someone that I can do stuff and plan stuff and save up for stuff with and have a little life with because that's where the growing is. I want to be with someone who misses me when I'm gone and isn't ashamed to say it. Someone who is proud to say "Yes" when randoms ask him if he is dating me. Someone who keeps his promises and makes little sweet gestures that only I can understand.

I want to be with someone who is my best friend and who wants to build towards a beautiful life with me and isn't ashamed to talk about it or feels like these things are 'pressure'...

That's really all it is. Not about cars, money or designer ish, or about a name or about a list. Just me being myself with you and knowing that you are not going anywhere and I am your only.

Attention. Commitment. Quality time. Building to a solid future. #ThatIsAll

5. Trust.

Trust is so important. It doesn't just apply to you not hitting on/flirting with/sleeping with/being inappropriately affiliated to other females while you are with her. That all goes without saying.

Be Faithful.

Trust also applies to how much of herself she can show you. How much she can give you without wanting to take it back. Without regret. Can she come to you when she is lost and lonely or feeling cranky or just being a child and know that you will be there? Can she come to you when she genuinely needs help and know that you will gladly offer it for free? Can she bring her fear to you and know that you will open up that box and show her that there is nothing inside? Can you be that person to her? That person that she knows will catch her every single time?

If you can, then you are worthy of every single ounce of her trust.

But trust also flows into the "Quantum of Solace" theory that I have grown to know and love. This refers to the smallest amount of emotion or feeling of care towards the person you are with that is necessary for a relationship to exist or survive. When that amount hits zero, there's nothing to fight for.

To earn trust you need to show yourself worthy. Even when she isn't looking. I was saying the other day that the test is, if you do it or consider it and you know in your heart that if SHE did it or considered it you would be unhappy/uncomfortable/displeased/hurt then its WRONG. That's the test. Do unto others...

And if I know that you have got me on all those levels then heck, you can go out whenever you want and come back at 4am because I know I can trust you and we won't have a problem. Matter of fact, you probably won't even wanna go out because you are too busy putting me first...

6. Trust ME.

This goes to the core of being a man I think. You don't like to show weakness. Or depend on anybody. But see, its important that you trust us.

We don't like to hear things through the grapevine or as a by the way comment after the fact. We want to have the exclusive on everything that goes on with you because it makes us feel important.

We ask where you are and what you are doing because we don't want to hear it from someone else. If you don't tell her and five people know about it, you best believe when they tell her she will be more hurt than mad. But she will show you mad.

She wants to know when you're hurt, when you're sad and she wants to know that you trust her to make it all better. She wants to know when she has done something wrong because if you can tell her, then she can fix it and she will respect you for being a man about your business with her in a gentle, respectful and effective way.

She wants to know when you're winning, when you're happy, when its good and she wants to be the one you celebrate with, because a K1ng must always have his Queen. When he wins and when he loses she is his real crown, his real soothing balm, his real armor. Because that trust ensures that she can protect him from the world and from himself.

And that's her greatest honor. To be his protector.

7. Things That Go 'Bump' In Your Mind.

Yeah...the male ego. First of all, she wasn't really looking at the guy at the mall and she doesn't actually rate her ex. That's all in your mind.

If its a working healthy relationship, she has eyes for no one but you. And when she teases you, its because she thinks she can and you will laugh not because she is trying to put you down.

The things that matter to her are you, your wellbeing, your joy, her hustle and reality tv. This is the truth.

All those other guys are annoying.

But if your insecurities take prominence in your interaction she will start looking for faults in herself. And then someone else will validate where you have poked holes in her freedom to be herself. And once that validation becomes more important than who you are to her, its a wrap. I'm telling you this for free.

Second of all, all the stuff you're afraid of like, how will I take care of her, am I good enough, what do her friends think of me, what does her family think of me, do I have enough, does she judge me, does she love me, is she the one...yeah, endless list. Its all in your mind.

If you dared to open up and tell her all your fears and worries and concerns, you would be surprised at how many good solutions and great reassurances she is capable of giving you.

The right woman is a man's master key to an amazing life....

So calm down, take a sip of water and say, "Babe, can I ask you something?"...it will do you a world of good!

8. I Apologise.

When she says she is sorry its scary. She doesn't know if you will accept the apology, forgive and move on or if you will hang the error over her head for months and use her own admission of guilt as a noose around her neck. So when she says she is sorry, take into account the fact that you are her protector. And let it go if she is sincere. Most times you will find out that she wanted the fight to end the moment it started.

And you.

Say you're sorry.

You have no idea how much power a genuine apology holds. How much healing it can bring.

When you go up to her and say to her that you were wrong and you know she was hurt and that's not what you are about and you want to fix it, you solidify your claim to your throne. Every time.

Caution: Apologise and show remorse and desist from the said offensive behavior. "Sorry" means nothing if its offered as an incentive to shut her up but does not yield any change in your actions. That's a sure fire way to make her bitter. And you know what they say about bitter women...

9. My Body Really Is Your Party.

Ladies, don't front. Y'all know y'all like to get yours.

I will keep this brief. She may not say it to you, but you should learn that if she is attracted to you then what you think of her body matters. And what you do to her body matters even more.

Please abeg, I am not condoning anything here.

I am telling the men, if you are in it, you better be in it for real. Brand that item. Don't leave any room for doubt. Don't leave any room for the next brother to come make his own marks.

If she gives you "the look" then make sure you deliver, EVERY TIME. No room for doubt. And make it fun and spontaneous sometimes. So that she WANTS to brag about you but she can't.

She wants to be smiling to herself on her lunchbreak talmbout "I can't wait till I get home so you can..." *cue Beyonce's "Blow"*

  

Anything else, anything weak, half-hearted and passion-free? Nah we ain't here for all of that. Ask your wife bruh! Don't be looking like that when she suddenly has a permanent headache.

10. The Circle.

This refers to your bubble. Who you let into your space matters. Individually and as a couple. So gentlemen, if you know you and what's her face had a thing back in the day, or she had a thing for you before you met your missus, cut her off. Amputate and incinerate.  If you know so and so aint got nothing good to say about your person and she is number one to you, then he doesn't need to be anywhere near your ear at any time. Anybody who is a potential source of conflict needs to go. Its part of growing together and you should make sure to expect it from her in equal measure.

This applies to family too.

Now don't misunderstand me, I do not ascribe to the school of thought that condones familial estrangement but I believe that two people in a relationship above everything else MUST protect each other. So don't be out there having your family talk smack about or to her. They should know who she is to you and that the same degree of respect you accord her must accrue from them as well. They must be kept in line.

Friends, family, associates, workmates, must be kept in line. And she needs to know that nobody's opinion of her matters enough for you to disrespect her or leave her otherwise, you weren't the right one in the first place.

Protect your space. It is sacred. Nobody must touch what is hers. Not you. Not her things. Not her throne in your heart.

Now I know this was a long post. But I'm sure somebody out there agrees with at least ONE thing I have said. And at least one man is putting his shoes on to go and tell someone he loves her and its all going to be alright. Don't be ashamed to be real about how you feel. Imagine your life without her. If it all goes dark in your mind when you do then she deserves all of you.

You're Welcome! :)

#TitaniumSolid #Kilimanjaro

M.M