Wishlist

Don’t ask me what brought this on…but I should probably start making some commitments to myself. This will not be a poetic entry, an outpouring of my heart and soul. No. This one is a list of all the things I dream about that may or may not ever happen, but I am wishing for them anyway…

1.        Get my driver’s licence. Now I know this may surprise some people, but I have been delaying this particular milestone for the past eight years. I don’t even know why. But I think it might have a lot to do with the fact that Zambian roads scare the bird poop outta me. This year in particular, I will suck it up and get over this abnormal spirit and get my licence because I can actually drive, especially ON SUNDAYS.

2.        Finish my law degree. This will make my father very happy to hear. It isn’t that I do not appreciate the value of a good education. I mean I have one degree already, graduated at 20. But. And this is a big but, I am a waste of a book education. I am intelligent and get things really easily and pass without too much effort, but I don’t think I’ll ever really use whatever I learn because the things I want to do have nothing to do with the things we learn in class. However, that being said, I started it. I have a year to go. I will finish it. Mind made up.

Now to those things that fit the list of dreams….

3.        Holiday in Cancun. Do not be deceived. I am not one of those bling lovers. I just love the beach and I have only been there once. I will make it a point at least once in my life to go and bask in the sun on a white beach with clear blue water….I really want to do that.

4.        Own a fleet of BMWs. Again this is not me being a lover of things. Once upon a someday long ago, my mother made up her mind that one day, no matter what, she would own a luxury vehicle. And now she does. Bought it brand new. To do this particular thing would be to prove to myself that even the dumbest dreams can come true if you are willing to put in what it takes to achieve them. And you have to admit, they are more often than not BEAUTIFUL cars!

5.        Go skiing on the Swiss Alps. Or somewhere else that’s really cold and snowy. Because it looks like a beautiful thing to do.

6.        Wear a bikini and swim in the Indian Ocean. Yes. This one has everything to do with my self-esteem. I do not swim in public. (Bordering on baring my soul tendencies again.) I have spent most of my life thinking of myself as less than beautiful. For a myriad of reasons. But also because, let’s face it, I am overweight. Or I was. But I think I am doing a good job of overcoming that and trying to work at changing what I do not really like about myself. One day soon I will hit my goal weight and then I will convince my new best friend to go to Zanzibar with me and we will eat prawns and whatever other stuff they cook there that isn’t the creepy sea food he likes and I will wear a red and gold bikini and swim in the ocean and do our confetti thing and make him take pictures. That is what I will do. This one I will definitely do.

7.        Go shopping in NYC. This is another thing that might require the company of my best friend. The female one this time. Because there is nobody in this world that I miss doing things with more. But I went there once and saw the city lights and LOVED it! And one day I will go back again just to splurge and drink lattes. Watch this space.

8.        Get breast reduction surgery. I get horrid backaches.

The next three things are things I really want...things that I am working hard towards, or at least praying happen because let’s be honest, each one of us has our basic nature, made up of fears and dreams and hopes and aches and things that when we are all alone and not pretending, matter…mean a lot…things we really want and are afraid of not getting or not achieving. But before I die I want to do these three things.

9.        Build my mother a house and get her another blow-your-mind car. Whichever one she wants. I know it will mean nothing to her. But it would mean everything to me to give her something huge to represent my gratitude for all she has done for me. Notice my mother features a lot in my life. She means the world to me.

10.     Headline a Zambian show in Zambia with a revolving stage and a full orchestra. This one is self-explanatory. And I will do it. If it is the last thing I do my band and I will make this happen.

11.     Be happy. Now this one is complicated. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy now. Content with my life and all it contains and secure in the knowledge that the things I need are all present and the things I want can be achieved with a little more work. But for me, and I said this a couple days ago, happiness would be in being complete in myself as a woman, the daughter of my mother, She has seven children and a twenty-eight year old marriage under her belt. So yes. Happiness to me would be waking up in the morning next to the sleeping form of a man who loves me completely and utterly, with every ounce of his being, cleaning his house, running his bathwater, ironing his shirts and making his breakfast, bearing his sons, taking them to school every day and making banana bread and buttermilk muffins for them to eat when they get home, knowing they think the world of me and will one day meet girls and compare them to their mother; being beautiful and sweet when he comes home to me asking him about his day while serving up his dinner, dancing for love before he goes to sleep at night and lying next to his sleeping form before I turn out the light knowing that till the day I die, it would be that way. Don’t judge me, I am a simple old soul, but this would be my happiness.

So this is my wishlist…..a lot of funny things go through my head. But I will always be this simple girl with simple dreams, looking through the window to see what life is bringing to my doorstep next and embracing it with everything in me.

Unforgettably yours,

Miss Mahogany.

Something I Forgot....

I meant to say this out loud....

For You....*

You make me want to try
To wake up in the morning
And embrace another's humanity
To go to bed at night feeling blessed

You make me want to be kissed
To feel your breath
Lightly caress my temples
To feel your hand
Fit perfectly in the small of my back
To close my eyes slowly
Like a butterfly closes its wings
And in that moment
Breathe you in as you
Breathe me out

You make me remember love
Inspire my belief in possibility
The possibility of a shared existence
With a person who is like me
Who is for me
Whose spirit is infinitely completed
By me

You make me dream
And smile from my heart
And write, inspiring my nature
You make my heart laugh
And cause my eyes to see in brighter colors

I have known you for mere seconds
For a fragment of time
And yet
Your impact has been so profound as to
Shake me from my very core,
Dislocate the stars in my cosmos

This is not love
But neither is it infatuation
This seed that grows
Every second
Of every minute
Of every hour
Of every day that I spend knowing you

Makes me want to try
To feel,
To know you innately
To believe in possibility
The possibility of whatever tree 
This seed will grow to be....

c. 17th January 2013 Miss Mahogany

* TITLE HAS BEEN CHANGED

For Muffin....Decade....

Dear Blossom,

The first time I saw you, I was curious....you were the new girl...so chubby...face like a pancake in a grey sweater....the next day we sat at a table and Freda told us about you...you laughed at some point and I fell in love with you.....it's been ten years baby, and I am still in love with you....my sister, my friend, my mummy....Mufaweli.....

We had so much fun.....sitting under the thatch, talking about boys...liking the same boys....afternoons at your mama's house frying chicken and eating mangoes with Ashley.....good times...innocent times...remember how we wrote each other letters once a month? Yours were always so pretty, with the flowers and the pink ink....Blossom and Buttercup....I remember you....

You were always the nice one, the peaceful one, the one with a laugh like water running over pebbles, the smile that always makes me smile back...you bought presents and learnt all the songs we liked....Beyonce, "That's How You Like It" and we had so much fun...always...fun....

For a little while I didn't know you...boys and alcohol are so destructive...was it that we were trying to find ourselves? I don't know who I found but she is dead now...and you, you are still so beautiful....you apologised....and it was like nothing ever happened...you were the only one who always cried with me anyway....

It's been ten years....I am sorry for not being there all the time....and for getting caught up in life far away from you...the things you tell me sometimes, they break my heart....but I am just glad that you still tell me...that we don't allow ourselves to drift apart anymore....I am so happy that you still tell me your secrets...and I am so happy for who you have become....

I know time flies now because I never thought we would reach here...but I am glad we have....and ten years from now we will have pictures...we won't miss the important days and nights and birthdays anymore...and we will drive the red BMWs next to each other and shout into the wind....and eat rice pudding and custard and listen to MusiqSoulchild because we will ALWAYS have sleepovers, to hell with growing up!!!!! And when I walk down the aisle you will be the one to keep my dress from dragging on the grass....and our babies will play together and eat chicken that you cooked while their daddies get drunk on love and happiness...I can't wait to be there with you...

You are so beautiful, ten years from the first time I saw you...so beautiful and I am still in love with you....forever and a day....my best friend, my family....for now, for always....

Buttercup.....

Today.....

So yesterday I was advised to engage more on my blog...I don't quite know how to do that. It makes me wonder what it means to be visible. But in the event that I needed to post something here, I would want it to be unforgettable....pun intended....

I just put an album out...it has so many different themes, different subjects, especially love...we must never forget or neglect love....it feeds human nature....

I observe a lot....and in my observations I am struck by different things. I forgot to write my annual Facebook note thanking everybody one by one for the invaluable input they had in my life throughout last year...and then I realized its okay because I am one of those people that always says thank you or finds some way to show my gratitude. As a conglomerate we lost a lot last year....the moments of silence for friends and family lost and the tears shed for heartbreak and disappointment were too many to want to even remember...but we emerged stronger and even more focused than before...with new ideas, new sacrifices to be made, and hope....for that flame should never be put out....

I am grateful to Em....she taught me a great deal last year....above all things she taught me to do me. And I am...so deliciously...enjoying the person I have become, the butterfly emerging from the constricting cocoon that is my past. The present is so full of opportunities and new things and people and places to go. I have conquered most of my fears and the ones that I haven't are on my to do list. I was inspired to work on creating a bucket-list and what fun it is proving to be. I have gotten over my hang ups with the past...all the things I said I would never do again. I am totally going to the marina....forget whatever ghosts haunt my memories of the place, because I have found a partner to go with, someone who makes very single day feel like an adventure....someone who is in every scene of every love story I ever dreamed or imagined and has been from our first laughter-filled lunch in a garden...

My mother is such a paragon of virtue and beauty and grace...she is the most beautiful person I have ever known even with all her "wahala"...I love her to pieces and I am so excited about everything we are about to do....nothing she touches turns to dust....and I always forget to say thank you to her...for just giving birth to me you know....

Fashion....I have no idea what that is....but thank God for harem pants, they make me bootylicious, they are officially my new vice....and also for heels....I am only wearing them now because I didn't realize how much they mattered when you have to walk next to somebody tall...and God forbid he should ever forget the feet they house.... *sticks tongue out*....I am getting over jeans, they make me uncomfortable....*gasp*...soooooo uncomfortable...its not even funny. I want to spend forever in a sweatsuit......baking cookies and banana loaf and writing music, hair in a pony tail, drinking lemonade on the patio waiting for him to come home....I am not afraid to day dream.....

I am beautifully human and that is the greatest blessing of them all...because in all my musings I realized that it matters not what others think of me, it matters only what I think and believe of myself...and that in itself is priceless....I face the mirror everyday, proud of me and more and more in love with my humanity every day....I will continue to do so...and I will continue to blog....

Unforgettably Yours,

 Miss Mahogany.....

Just another one of my musings....(First post in 2013)

Surprise me with your scent and I might look your way for more than the minute it would take to forget you….startle me with your laughter and I might want to hear you laugh again. But bedazzle me with your intelligence and I will fall in love with your mind…and then I will do all the other things…look and listen….

We have all these expectations of people. The way they look determines who we believe they are before they ever tell you what their name is. A gangster, a player, an introvert, an arrogant bossy old maid….only to find when you give them half a chance that they are more than what originally met your biased eye. Judgement.Assumption. Pre-conceived notions of the worth or character of a person you have never met. And then after all the thinking and miscalculations, they never mattered anyway.

Sometimes in life you meet somebody who matters. Somebody who makes you think that perhaps there is more to life than the shallow talk of the boys at the corner and the girls in the salon; somebody who dreams. There is nothing more attractive to me than a dreamer. If you can dream it you can create it.

I am not the smartest person. Neither am I the most beautiful. But I have one great asset, my heart. A huge well of feeling and emotion, joy, sadness, anger, confusion, purpose, hope, despair and all the other beautiful and horrible things that make me human. And once in a while, the little door at the corner of it, locked with a key that lives on a golden chain, opens to let somebody in....somebody who appeals to my sense of being me...For so long I have believed I was the only one like me. Then I met somebody. I cannot describe him. Friend, almost love, dream or figment of my imagination….all I know is he is like me. He feels like me. Or does he?

Funny thing is the first time I saw him I judged him. Learn a lesson from me. The shyly staring cute boy who I thought was just another somebody out there turned out to be an intelligent, driven, focused, balanced and incredibly sexy young somebody going very far.

He is so funny and smart and young and ambitious and inspiring. So many things you wish a person to be, whether he be your friend, your son, your brother, your father...and he has been hiding in a faraway corner of this world for me to one day discover almost by mistake. He was an incongruous piece of an irrelevant puzzle. Sticking out like a sore thumb. He is too tall. But I was singing and he saw me. And boy did he see me….when I finally saw him with my short sighted eyes the wheel had already began to turn.

So take this as a public apology from me and my big heart that is still trying to figure you out. Your scent came last. Your laughter tickles me from the tips of my toes, I wish I could make you laugh all the time…when you speak I really listen, do not be deceived.  You startled me with your exuberant and joyful nature, positive energy clothes you like a coat of armor. Your mind, I am in love with your mind. It is the most colorful kaleidoscope there ever was, startling in its unique brilliance.

I looked away…..and then I looked again…your scent came last...look and listen…I am still looking…and I know it will take forever to forget.