This Woman's Work.....

Yesterday I was angry. Really angry. That anger inspired this blog entry. This is going to be one of the most brutally honest posts I will ever write. It is also going to be really long. Judge me if you want, at this point I don’t care. I am going to talk about men. But, you will be surprised by what I have to say because today, I am on their side.

Do not misunderstand me. This essay is not in support of douchebaggery, I am in full support of those women who send their man-whore husbands packing, but in this instance I am talking to those foolish ones who have good men or are being courted by good men and making them pay for other people’s mistakes or their silly insecurities. By the way, I am speaking from experience not from a higher moral ground.

I decided to do a little research for this one. I even talked to my grandma. I wanted some backup for what I am about to say. And also, I come from a group of really strong, typical, "stand by your man" women who I really admire, because it takes a special type to be that one. So embedded in my flowery words and clever phrasing and paraphrasing, you best believe the truth I speak is real. I think we are stabbing ourselves in the foot as women or whatever we actually are. I’m thinking many of us are too immature to bear the title. The behaviour going round leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

I watched a girl, not particularly beautiful or in this particular instance, intelligent, have a public altercation with a guy once. He was not wrong, but she was angry and she wasn’t hiding it. Cussing, waving her arms about, raised voice, the whole thing...and it took me back to once upon a time long ago when I was that girl. Yes, I was that girl once and I learnt the hard way that a man is a man, say and do what you like, one day you will know. I got smacked. I wanted to smack her.

Women talk too much. I know the hundreds of girls who follow me on twitter and are my friends on facebook will feel really uncomfortable reading stuff like this but I am a firm believer in removing the log from my own eye. Once upon a time I had a man in my life that was nice and sweet and fun and my friend and I took great advantage of him and his kindness. Then the tables turned. I spent two years trying to get back what I had destroyed with my arrogance and selfishness and my MOUTH! I failed by the way. Once you create a monster you cannot un-create it. In the end his behaviour reached boundaries we both knew he shouldn’t cross but he crossed them anyway. However, in hindsight, I fully acknowledge my role in causing that implosion.

How many times do we hear talk of the pretty ‘diva’ who never gives her really awesome boyfriend any kind of breathing space? She finds a new fault every day. She wants money, she needs shoes, she is suspicious of his female friends, hates the rest of his friends, she won’t go to that place because it’s cheap, she hates that he never has money, when he has money she hates it if he won’t spend it on her, and God forbid they have a disagreement in public, because then she will undress him and his whole family, insult his friends and still demand to be driven home. She doesn’t care about his dreams, or fears, or little things that hurt him or make him feel vulnerable, or what he likes and dislikes and don’t you dare ask her to try to go out of her way to prove the love she so vehemently swears by on social networks.

Yes we all know that girl and funny enough, sometimes that girl manages to convince the poor dolt to marry her and then she becomes his even more horrid wife. The kind who makes it untenable for his friends to visit him at home and then locks him out when he comes home late after following those friends for a breather at the nearest pub. By the way, locking him out is stupid, you best believe homeboy will find a soft place to land and if you do it often enough, one day he just won’t come back.

This girl is annoying. She needs to learn some things. First of all, men really don’t care as much about love and sex as they do about respect. Respect is an essential component of a working relationship; respect a good man, that good man will love you. It’s that simple. I can hear the murmurs. But I know this to be true. The quickest way to send him running is to treat him like the gum on the bottom of your shoe. The ones with no balls love that, but I have no time for the ones with no balls, as disrespectful as that sounds, I am talking about real good men, not boys and snivelling idiots.

Just in case you get confused, a good man to me, is the type that has values, and morals, respects himself and others, values and protects his family, honours his elders, loves his mother, has a plan and potential NOT just a job and buckets of money, someone who works hard to make an honest living, says “please” and “thank you,” admits when he is wrong and tries to make amends, is not afraid to feel and to respect and attempt to understand and consider other people’s feelings, tells the truth, is not a hypocrite…that kind of man. Not a poster boy, or a playboy, or an atm but a real human being with character and flaws that make him human. A king; at least to me.

Now if you know deep down inside that you have one of those and that he tries to do what he can within his power to make you happy and prove to you his devotion and loyalty then this is the point at which you must examine yourself. If not then this will not apply to you.

A man wants a woman who will talk to him, not AT him, pointing out his faults, making light of his weaknesses and using them against him. A man wants a woman who is discreet, the type of woman who will see something she doesn’t like and wait till they get home to tell him firmly and respectfully that he was out of line, not the type that will embarrass him. A man wants a woman who is his friend, his companion, his foot soldier, through thick and thin, through good and bad; the type of woman who doesn’t mind a broke date because at the end of the day she is not a trophy but a partner. A man wants a woman who makes him proud to be with her, someone who carries herself like a lady, with courtesy and respect for herself and others, not a pretentious bitchy sour grape who makes it difficult for him to ever have a good time. A man wants a woman to protect his heart, to look out for his interests, to make him feel important and wanted and needed and necessary, a woman who won’t ignore him, who will pay attention to him and care to know if something is wrong or if he needs something, the type of woman who doesn’t have to be told, she just knows when he needs to be held, because they do sometimes. A man wants a woman who is honest, doesn’t play games with his head, doesn’t leave him feeling used, someone who is real, like, “This is me, either you want it or you don’t and if you want it, I’ll be the best woman you ever had.”

How many of us are that woman? I think very few. Here, where I live a man is like a new car, we compare wheels and additional features, and when things go wrong and he needs fixing, we don’t care, after all there are “mechanics” to refill his oil and water and check his brakes and send him back to us good as new, those being his mother, his sisters, his friends…sadly however, we open the door for him to roll out, because sometimes, the “mechanic” is prettier and more mature and progressive and more attentive and more authentic than us and not a relative. Or maybe even just the maid at his house who gave a damn! That happens too.

What happened to being honest and open and good and taking a man as he is and liking him for just that? When did maintaining the status quo become more important than appreciating the value of a man as a human being? When did even the good men become dogs, or less than dogs because let’s be honest, those of us who can stand dogs usually treat them better than the men in our lives.

We only have ourselves to blame when they don’t wanna be around us, don’t care what’s going on with us, quit calling and texting, quit coming over, hate our stupid girlfriends who convince us that bitchiness is cool, CHEAT, cheat again and eventually leave. Because sometimes, they look elsewhere for what we won’t give them and hope they get caught just so that we can try. This sounds very wrong coming from me, but I have been cheated on before and I know exactly why, I left my door and my back gate open. That won’t happen again.

This is me being real and I’m not bragging and saying my person is perfect and I get everything right, I’m just saying that if he does right by me, I’m not going to let the seeds he sows fall to the ground, so even though not all of them out there are stellar citizens of the world, there are those who should be taken care of and if you happen to be lucky enough to have one of those, take care of your man. Examine yourself and do right by him, because trust me, if you don’t somebody will and he won’t be coming back this time.

I speak my truth. It’s real out here!

Unforgettably Yours,

Miss Mahogany.