That Poem... (Untitled)

Emptiness

The fullness of time

The fullness of dreams

The heaviness of desire

The ripeness of all there was to offer

Like the juice of a mango

Full of promise

The knife slices through

The splash...in slow motion

Little beads of yellow moistness and

The sweetness they contain

You see it

You smell it

You hold it

You feel it

You know it even though

Your tongue has not arrived...

Emptiness

Looking back and seeing

All that sweetness go to waste

Pot shards broken lying in the dust

The patterns still glittering in the moonlight

The echoes of laughter beginning to fade

The harshness of those breaths you took

Do you remember the taste?

The feel?

The warmth?

That last stolen kiss before the light broke through the curtains

Do you remember?

And it turns...

Turns and turns and turns

As the months passed by

The story never ending, ever changing

Every emotion

Every word spoken

Every misunderstanding

The nonsense

The annoyance

The pointless quarrels

When will it end?

What do you want?

I want what I want

GIVE IT TO ME!

Must I take it?

No! Its broken! You broke it!

I can't see you!

Emptiness

Darkness

The fullness of time

The laughter resurrected

The light touches,

The taste of your skin

Those kisses

No longer chaste

No longer lazy

What...

Do...

You...

Want...

The space reducing

Rotations in the sun

The memories flooding back

The loss erased

Its alright again

And then...

Pot shards broken on the floor

The water spilt over

It was the same hand

Again

Always and ever the same hand

The same foolishness

The same accident

Why can't you be mine?

Alone.

All and only?

What...

Do...

You...

Want...

Emptiness

The fullness of time

All the things that could have been

But now you're saying stupid things

I can't hear you.

And then...

It woke again

The honesty

The openness

The warmth

The gentleness

And its okay to sing those songs

To dream those dreams

To look those looks

To walk those walks

But see

Its been too long

So I'm scared

And you don't even know...

Emptiness

The fullness of time

Nothing broken this time

But now you're doing stupid things

I can't see you.

Another Step In My Journey...

Welcome to Scarlet’s 20/20 Challenge. I have given myself the goal of getting to 55kgs by June 20th 2014. I started on February 20th and needed to get to a consistent pace before I went public with it. I weigh in at 68kgs right now so that means I have 13 to go. But before we go there, *cue rewinding sound effect* Let me give you some background first! :)

Ten years ago I was 17 years old and weighed about 74 kilos. Normal weight for a normal girl doing normal things. I drank very little but I loved junk food. I had struggled with my weight for most of my pre-teen years and then woke up one day sick to the point of death which led to 9 weeks later looking in the mirror and finding myself a little stick of a thing! LOVED it! Lol! Then I turned 15 and my body started playing tricks on me again.

Its been a roller coaster ride. In 2009 I was at my highest weight ever, pulling in at 89kilos and huffing and puffing like a bus whenever I had to climb stairs or God forbid, RUN! I hated myself, hated my body, my skin was out of control and my self esteem was at zero. It didn't help that the people closest to me at the time were always harping on about how big and old looking I was.

It does something to you. It changed how I looked at myself and my confidence levels. It changed how I addressed myself. I would make jokes about my flab way before anybody else could just to avoid that sinking feeling when someone commented about how I needed to work on my tummy.

And the years kept going...

So I get to 24 and I weigh 80 kilos. I'm in school and its rough and I don't eat except at night when there's no class. I still hate my body and can't wear what I want but I can't be bothered to do anything about it.

And the years keep going...

That was 2011. I knew then that I wanted to be smaller. But my musical moment came and I didn't have the time to focus on anything except work and promotion and getting out of school. So I did nothing. But there comes a time when you get fed up or have an "aha" moment and you just have to DO something!

That moment came last year.

So I wake up one day and find I have a thing for this guy who is a fitness freak. He's tall and strong, filled out real nice, just the right kinda thickness and all in proportion and he's HEALTHY! He doesn't drink fizzy drinks unless he has to, hardly ever has sweets or pastry, runs and plays soccer and all this stuff and I'm like O_o !!! How the hell am I gonna keep up with that? I'm all over that cranberry and lemonade, strawberry cheesecake, Lindt chocolate life! And weighing 78 kilos no less! I can't even feel sexy! When we hug, I can FEEL my love handles!

 So initially it was because of a guy. Not to keep up or compete but just because one day he said to me, "I don't really care either way, but if you don't like something about your body, you should change it. Fair and fine that sounds easier than it actually is, but if you're disciplined and you really want it, you can fix what you don't like." And I thought, "Why the hell not? What do I really have to lose?"

That was the beginning of the journey to this point. But I didn't commit right there and then. Lots of things and events and epic food came along to distract me. But this year I said I was really going to do it. I was really going to work on ME for me!

I started out at about 76kg last August and got on a 9 day cleanse using aloe vera products and fat blocking pills. It cost me a bit but I felt the difference in my clothes. Then I went through a long fasting period that really only ended this past January.

When I was done with that, I decided to be healthy about it and that's what this is all about.

So basically, I will be off starch for the next two months and then go to minimal starch for the last month. I have cut out all sugar and dairy products except for my new vice, natural yoghurt. No red meat either. My sister has joined me on it and we are living on vegetables, fruit, yoghurt, water, juice, chicken and fish. Additionally, I will be creating a work out schedule and committing to that for the duration of the challenge and beyond.

For the next three months this will be my diary. Weekly posts on Fridays documenting my progress and my failures, pictures of before and after and regular weigh ins as well as recipes and food sources and the occasional video or two of me huffing and puffing while doing body work. I've been on it a month now in my closet, but now I welcome all of you who feel like me to join in and create a goal and work with me towards it.

Let's see just how well this will work! Looking forward to climbing with you! 

#TitaniumSolid #Kilimanjaro

M.M

For George....

Today belongs to my best friend.

Tall and strapping, with absolutely the most adorable face and eyes and boyish smile. Time stops when he enters a room. Body to burn all suits. :) He smells amazing too.

 

A strong, intelligent, hard-working, peaceful, well-spoken and incredibly funny young man that I met a little over a year ago who has been a huge influence on me and who I am as a person. An irreplaceable part of my life. I truly will never meet anybody like him.

He taught me the value of honesty and self-respect. In his own way always striving to be a man of honor, a decent guy, an unforgettable part of whatever place or party he finds himself in even without making any real effort. His passion for music and fitness, for a good "grape" experience, his amazing ability to recreate a moment in time with his clever use of words and imagery, his passionate and soft nature often abused and misunderstood, but still one of his greatest and most powerful assets.

I have heard people speak of him. "He is so smart." "He's a hottie." "He's weird." "Mr 'That's hilarious!'" "He's such a sweetheart." "That young man is different." So many things said but always by people who don't really know him and will probably never get the chance to. I was blessed to take an honest walk through his world.

To see him in his natural habitat, at his desk, leading his soccer team, sitting next to a pool doing nothing or playing with a baby, to see him vulnerable, to see him strong, to see him hurting, to see him triumph, these things are indescribable.

His joy is amazing, a spectacle of youth and manhood and virility expressed in an exhilirating display of laughter and cheeky grins and dance...one cannot help but love him when one sees him like that...I have been blessed directly by God to have him in my life, so close to me and so free with me and so beautifully my equal.

We have made so many memories. Poetry recitals and the delightful clicking of fingers. Seafood moments that ended in disaster. Fashion shows colored by Shaka style ambush situations. Jazz clubs that need no explanation. Pineapple love and cake dates. Confetti moments for the wins. Hilarious toasts to "Freedom." Early morning drives to work. Early morning TORTUROUS "suicides". Sunday midday brunch and "oxblood" shoes. Inside jokes. The Great Gatsby. Selfies and videos and voice notes. So many things that cross my mind from time to time and make me smile or chuckle to myself and thank God silently for having been blessed to have the opportunity to experience such a wonderful person.  

On this day I want to say, thankyou for being my rock, my secret keeper, my support system, my listening board and shoulder to lean on...for being there in my good moments and in my awful ones too...my comfort and guardian angel no matter what time of day or night. Thankyou for blessing me with your imagination, with your passion, with your gentle spirit and your lust for life.

Thankyou for blessing me with your experiences and the many lessons they taught you and in that, taught me too. Thankyou for the laughter, for the tears, for the hand holding, for being my soldier, for always having my back in good and in bad. Thankyou for caring for me. For taking care of me wherever and however you can. For standing up for me all those times. Thankyou for being my friend. For allowing me to dream and believing with me...for giving me so many things I never had...I am better for having known you.

I know you are not perfect, far from it. But in your imperfections I have seen your beautiful humanity, the dazzling brilliance of your mind and the spirit of greatness that has shielded, covered and hovered over you from the moment you were born till now and beyond. Thankyou, for being you and for being amazing, perfectly imperfect, strong in your weakness, humble in your greatness, my friend, my heart.

Nothing will ever change who you are to me and what I think of you. Not rain, not sunshine, not separation, not death...nothing at all.

Happy Birthday Mudiwa... 

#AK1ngForNowForAlways

M. M.

Kiss me like you'll never see me again...

The moment...

Listening to Alicia Keys tonight while at work, I had a thought that rocked me to my core. I have been following this particular train of thought for the past few weeks but it culminated in a moment in a song where it hit me like a heatwave that life really is too short when it comes to love.

I am single. But I haven't always been and those who know me well will attest to the fact that even though I am pretty cool as a single girl, no pressure there, my nature THRIVES when in a wholesome and healthy relationship. So it follows that I am the kind of person who will fight for what or who I love...no cost, no consequence...all or nothing...

As a result a person like me can very often times find themselves in an unhealthy situation. A situation in which they are taken for granted, emotionally battered and thrown back and forth, shortchanged, under appreciated and just basically made to feel like a sack of raw sirloin under the butcher's mallet. Trust me, nobody ever wants to feel like that.

How many really know what love is...

I think the word "love" has become dangerous. It is often misused. At other times it is used with good intentions but the user finds that they cannot really be responsible for all the things that follow with such a declaration...that is usually where the danger lies. Bridges burn and rebuilding is a costly exercise when the match used to light the fire is betrayal...there are people like me who live for bridge building and do all they can to be the perfect one, but sometimes we mess up and the consequences can be dire...to quote the words of my best friend a week ago "We are all different. Just because you react a certain way it doesn't follow that the next person is required to react the same." And its true. But I have always believed in do unto others...

I like to practice "love" the way my mother taught it to me. Once I asked her what she thought "love" means and she said "The capacity to put another person completely above yourself even to the point of death." many times people think of death as in, losing one's life but I am slowly learning that this death comes in many ways. Dying to my pride, dying to my fear, dying to my insecurities and lack of trust, dying to my selfishness, dying to my love of my own space and individuality...because many times love will require you to become an indivisible part of a powerful whole...death can mean alot of things...but when you are dying to the right things and growing with the right person you find that there is so much life to be lived TOGETHER...

Anyway, I learnt all this in my last relationship. The one relationship that actually made me a visibly better and more patient person. A relationship for which I am absolutely grateful. A relationship with a person who if the moment that I met them came to me again, I would choose him wholeheartedly without a second guess....and I think that's what I needed to learn...that love isn't about it working out and being amazing and for life for everyone...sometimes love is about those moments that are priceless and irreplaceable and that can never be recreated but neither can they be forgotten. Life really is too short. I choose to spend it loving till my last breath, the way God loves me or as close to that as I can get.

And in those moments, be grateful for that moment when you look at the person sitting next to you, hold their hand and smile because that feeling will always be there, no matter how far apart we may truly be...

1 Corinthians 13

#OdeToLastNight #LoveOverEverything #TitaniumSolid #Kilimanjaro

M.M

What's Your Handicap?

Been learning about Golf. The sport. What I like about it is that its described as a "precision sport" and that says a whole lot about the person that excels at it. Aim. Take the shot. Win.

I spent most of my life thinking golf, soccer and rugby were stupid sports. I still think rugby is stupid and my children will not be allowed to play it. Soccer has grown on me. It makes me a little too emotional for my liking though...

Golf is interesting. I always thought it was just about putting the ball into the hole. I didn't know that the guy who puts the ball in using the least number of strokes wins. That's what sold me on it. I'd actually want to learn how to play if my co-ordination was not so awful.

I was thinking about it, and its alot like life.

Do I want to be like the guy that made a bunch of rash and uneccessary decisions and mistakes and kept ending up with the wrong thing and learning from the same mistake over and over to get to where he needed to go; hurting himself and the people who love him in the process, or do I wanna be like the guy who got it right the first time he got the chance to take the shot?

This year its different.

My whole life I kept making wrong turns. In so many places. Not asking for direction can leave you going round in a never ending circle of failure. Its not just about getting there. Having everything. Achieving what I haven't all this time. If it were JUST about getting there it wouldn't matter. But I want to get there through the path that involves the least amount of hurt. And I have had my share of failures already. Enough for me to know that this time around, I can't afford to miss the shot. 

I have one shot left. First putt off the green and I got somewhere. Second putt and I got right next to the hole but I fell short. I only have one shot left and I don't want to waste it.

The difference this time is that I am waiting on the voice behind me telling me to, "Walk this way." Before I thought I had the answers and knew the methods and then I met the biggest challenge of my life that showed me that my understanding is nothing in the face of the realities of life.And that I only have myself to blame. But there's only so much loss one heart can take.

I want to be the one that wins.

I want to be the one that got it right even if I couldn't be the one that got the hole-in-one. I won't go as far as the triple bogey this time. I have too much to lose just between me and you. The lower the handicap the better right? So one stroke left.

 One. Stroke. Left. 

#TitaniumSolid #Kilimanjaro

M.M

124 days Without The Sun.....

Was thinking about this year and all the things I wanna achieve and get going and feel and experience and about how much pressure I keep putting on myself. My best friend is always shaking his head at me and saying, "You're young, you should LIVE." I always have a good argument against his logic. But today I thought about it and realized there is a solution to my restless agitation. Here's my analogy.

This will be a short post...

The electrical company needs a whole lot of machinery to keep power running...generators, a whole water source, transmitters and transformers and a gazillion systems for maintenance. And even then we still have power outages and load shedding. A turbine breaking down, or a transmitter blowing up after being vandalized. So many things that can hinder the smooth supply of electricity.

Consider the alternative.

The sun up in the sky just shines. All you need is a few solar panels and the requisite knowledge to tap into that source and have power all day, and even at night when the sun is out.

Think about results and answers and goals like electricity. And then think about yourself, you're the little power company, Zesco in Zambia, or Zesa if you live in Zimbabwe, or NamPower in Namibia, or whatever; always struggling and pushing and still falling short.

But here's the solution. 

God is the sun.

#TitaniumSolid #Kilimanjaro

Mrs ??? :)

Over 'N Out...

Forever...

Hey... How are you doing, Love?

Some don't understand
How could they understand?
They don't believe in love so
... Why would they believe in us?

When everything changed
I had you
When my life was rearranged
I had you
When I hit rock bottom babe
I had you
When I thought I'd been forgotten babe
I had you (Thank you, thank you)
When I faced all my fears
I had you
When I thought nobody cared
I had you
And that's why

Whatever you want from me
You know you got it
Whatever you need baby
You're gonna get it
You got me forever (and ever)
You got me forever

Listen... In so many ways baby
You've helped me, to grow
There are so many things love
You've helped me to know
If we did it all again baby
I'd choose... you
Cause there is no end
We're never through
And that's why...


I can feel you in my soul
Your love it always shows
I can feel you in my heart
You'll never let me down

Together we'll grow up
Higher and higher
This lifetime is not the first lifetime
This lifetime is not the last lifetime
I'll never let you down
This is a real love
A true love
And that's why...

(Courtesy of the insanely talented Natalie Stewart...)

We believe in #LOVE

M.M