The Plunge

Got a new gig a couple weeks ago...I am now a proud rookie radio presenter working out of a REALLY cool radio station called PowerFM. Absolutely LOVE it! The atmosphere, the people there, the brand, love love LOVE it! But that's not the reason for this blog post.

 My show has to do with social commentary...I play music and talk about stuff. In my search for topics, I asked around and a lot of interesting stuff came out. One that I will discuss at the six week mark is the topic of "Marriage"...now I am not married or engaged. Let's not start a rumor. But I have strong opinions on the subject and I know what kind of life I want to live when I am married and I thought I would just document this here so that I can refer to it if ever I find myself straying from the path. 

I know that the traditional approach to love and relationships has faded in a lot of ways. Infidelity and divorce have become so normal in the world we now live in that it scares even me, the most hopeless romantic, away from the prospect of life with someone for fear of that life partnership being shortlived.

 I believe in LOVE for the sake of it. *refer to older posts*

Because I believe I often find myself looking at people who don't believe or people who take it for granted and shaking a little bit. Its rare in this day and age to meet someone who thinks about "holy matrimony" as just that. A holy and sacred partnership that deserves one's absolute BEST.

Someone very close to me speaks of marriage in the most beautiful terms...one of the things he says is that, you get married to spend your life with your best friend, growing, living, learning and loving with this person who fits, and the moment you don't want to do stuff or spend time with them, something is wrong, something is lost...that sounds ideal...but in real life people hardly ever get married for that reason or with that mindset.

Reasons topping the list are pressure, age, financial security, stability, baby-on-the-way, and other unhealthy things. Now don't misunderstand me, some of these things do matter.

For instance, I will not get married knowing that I cannot sustain myself, I have no income or stability of my own and I am not bringing anything to the table but bills. It follows that if I am stable the person I am partnering with must be as well. But I will not get married to OBTAIN that stability from the relationship. That is using. I have to know that my reasons for being with this person in that way, are correct, solid, based on the right things, the right feelings, the right motives.

That being said, I want to get married to someone I believe in, someone I respect, someone I love and cherish who reciprocates my feelings for them and my commitment to them and I want to marry this person because I know that the love I feel is real and only FOR them and that I do not want to live my life without them. Really and truly, when I get married I will be marrying for love.

A complete person teaming up with another complete person to create a formidable force. 

And I want a marriage where we learn and grow and create and procreate and love and laugh and breathe together and support each others lives and dreams and become one in any and every way imaginable.

Where we have weekend barbeques and cook together and laugh together and when people come over we have silent conversations across the room from each other that we laugh ourselves to death over when everyone is gone and there's just you me and the dishes.

 Where I don't have to tell you, you just know.

Where I am the first person you look for when you are down and the first person you look for when you are winning.

Where we don't sleep if we aren't sleeping together because the bed just doesn't feel right if we aren't holding each other in it.

Where everything I am is you and everything you are is me because we are one and happily so.

That's what I want, regardless of how unbelievable it seems.

 It is important that I get this just this way because of the person I am. I want to be one of those wives...the type that makes the young ladies shake their heads and the older women nod in approval. The type of wife who cooks, cleans, washes, irons, has babies, takes impeccable care of her home and her kids...the type of wife who goes out of her way to make her man happy, even when he protests because her joy is fully expressed through his...the type of wife who will sacrifice and pour her heart out in dedicated service to her K1ng...because that is the type of person I am...

I have to be with a person who makes it easy to be that person...I'm blessed to have found myself with someone who made it easy to love them but that is not easy to find or to sustain...because often times people would rather take advantage of one's kindness or mistake genuine feelings for weakness...and that's why I guess other women settle and then fail to be everything to this man who isn't everything to them. The same goes for the men...and then problems start.

Because there are gaps people find other people to fill those gaps. Because you got married for the wrong reasons you find yourself living like you're single and resenting the person you share a house with. You stop trying and things fall apart. And the hurt and damage is irreparable. 

I know for a fact that I will be sure before I say I do. I go over my checklist every day...and make sure that the red flags are not flying. Make sure that when I close my eyes and picture that day I do not feel afraid. And if I ever do, I'm running. Because life is too short to sign away to bondage with the wrong person for whatever reason.

Life is too short to have half, when you can have EVERYTHING. 

If you know in your heart that he found you and when you really think about it, its perfect and you would fight any and everything to keep it, no matter the hurt, anxiety or pain involved, then do so...and if you know in your heart that you found her and you will never find anything or anybody like her and she makes you feel like peace and home and comfort and the prospect of life without her is bleak and horrifying then don't make her your "maybe"...hold on tight and don't let go... :)

 #LoveSomebodyToday

#TitaniumSolid #Kilimanjaro

Unforgettably Yours,

Miss Mahogany

Immortality...

Take a picture in your mind, make it immortal…

The most beautiful things come to you in the still of the night, in the silence of the moment between the words you are too afraid to say…in that split second when there is no sound…only feeling…

Picture it…a hand reaching out to tuck a stray strand of hair behind a pretty ear, pretty dark eyes look up into a pair of handsome smiling ones…blink, look away, lips stay curved upwards. The heart racing to the rhythm of footsteps as they walk towards you and faster as they walk away…the thin line drawn between intoxicating ecstasy and overwhelming sadness…

Those moments alone…flashbacks to laughter floating on air…to open ended sentences you finished for each other…walks in the dark, hugs, holding hands in the middle of traffic when the queue was not moving…

Take a picture in your mind, make it immortal…

Love is such a beautiful thing, an unbelievable thing…not lust or infatuation…Love…it whispers softly when it comes…and warms you up like coffee when it stays…it does not bring with it a crescendo of noise, only quiet sweetness, surprising you when you open your heart and find yourself surrounded. But Oh! When that Love is returned! Spirits turn to see and recognise each other, a moment of awakening, doves fly, lightning and thunder, harps, strings, horns and violins in the cosmos creating a soundtrack to another spark, another story, another miracle beginning…

Nobody knows how long it will last right then and there, but in that moment, beautiful things happen…Hope and Healing and Happiness find a home…such beauty…it grows in the moments that follow…Moments when you notice she has pretty, light skinned feet with red nail polish on and skinny ankles…moments when you notice that the gap in her teeth makes you smile, and when she laughs, you laugh back because her laughter awakens something deep in your belly…you shake your head because she is clumsy and stubborn and insecure about silly things, but your heart races faster than a million horses combined if you fear she is in danger...waking up at 4am and knowing she will wake up to stay up with you...smiling when you catch yourself thinking about what she looks like when she wakes up. The little things…

Make them immortal…

When you are asked you cannot say how or why, she is just everything…and in those moments of purity, beauty is defined, real beauty…the completeness that comes from finding a part of you that has been missing, a part of you that you cannot fathom how you lived without for so long, and yet you did…

It isn’t the same every time…there are times when the joy fades, the warmth disappears leaving only pain and cold discontentment…times when boredom corrodes the sparkle of the creative moment, leading to a slow death…but there are special times…once in a lifetime sometimes when you fight the feelings with all your heart and soul and might…when try as you may you cannot look away from his smile and you cannot help but smile back…when you are struck over and over again by the imperfect perfection of his hands, the sound of his voice, his scent, and the beauty in his laughter…times when no matter what prayers you pray, he is the first image in your mind when you wake up and the last feeling in your heart as you fall asleep at night…

And even though nothing is certain in this life, truth is never truly known, it matters only that you know in your heart that when he smiles, the sun shines so bright that it is blinding, and when he frowns you would lie down on the very ground and die to make his joy return…once in a lifetime sometimes you feel that feeling…like his life is your responsibility to protect, like his children are your children to bear, like his heartbeat is the rhythm to every last breath you will ever take and the beauty of it is so intense, so incessantly magical that you would take a bullet for him to keep him safe…once upon a sometimes…

Take a picture in your mind…make it immortal…because sometimes that sometimes doesn’t last…it gets hard, it gets rocky and in the worst times when you can’t hold on you lose the whole thing…but immortalise the perfection of the moment…it will keep you warm at night and sometimes it will make you cry…but the pain will remind you that you’re human…

I believe in Love…you should too…no matter what…because without it all you have is Emptiness…

#TitaniumSolid #Kilimanjaro

Unforgettably Yours,

Miss Mahogany.

Food For Thought...

In search of wholeness…I am in search of wholeness. This means a sense of fulfilment, contentment, satisfaction with the state of my heart and mind and life; all elements of my being in sync and in a good place where I will be filled with peace and clarity and purpose.

I have recently begun to do things a little different. I am not a proud or particularly arrogant person, but I have decided to begin to study humanity in the little places I can find it and thereby, grow in the area of humility.

In this quest I have begun to examine aspects of life in different terms from those I am used to. For instance, this week I intend to move around using public transport. Not that I have never done so, I do not own a car so I am well acquainted with the workings of the bus system (this will make someone I know smile and shake their head), but this week I want to take in the sights and sounds and see what really goes on in real life outside my very protected bubble.

Last weekend I had a chance to spend a day closely observing how “the other half” live.  I went to get braids done. *insert pretty picture here* they are very nice and cost next to nothing. But while I was there I was inspired by someone I met to write this post. My aunt and I took a walk to a place relatively near home but so drastically different that it took my breath away to think on it. We walked in the sun, over a bridge, and then another and got a cab at a bus stop. Then we drove through a strange neighbourhood on a perfect road, flanked on both sides by shabby structures. It filled me with a sense of sadness to know that just down the road are huge houses and even a fancy new hotel in which people live and eat and sleep happily with no care or second thought for the people so close to them that so often go without even the bare necessities.

We went to the house and met the people there and proceeded to sit on a straw mat underneath a pretty little tree. The girl who did my hair is in her late teens and has a five month old baby they fondly call “Baby Doll”…so cute…chubby and warm and dressed in a cloth diaper and pretty socks with not a care in the world because she is surrounded by love. Anyway, we were under the tree for a little while before she called another girl to help and this girl came with another girl named Millie who is the reason for this little outpouring of sentiment.

Millie is short, about 11 years old, dark skinned with cornrows in her head that we call “mukule” and the prettiest smile you have ever seen. A beautiful, playful little minx singing and playing and laughing in the dirt. She came to play and watch and ask questions. Then she helped out with the baby, took the clothes off the line and bartered her dishwashing services for a portion of “viwaya” or fried corn. All the while singing, smiling and laughing till the sun came down and she made me think that that is what true joy and peace should be like. She doesn’t have everything but she has what she has and she is at peace. Isn’t that what we want?

These people are different from me. They did not eat the whole time I was there and when it got cold nobody went looking for a sweater they just kept on with whatever they were doing. They do not waste, they share; the same water they used to bathe the baby, they used to soak her dirty clothes because they have no water. At 15:00 hours the nearby Care Centre for Family Health opens its tap for the neighbouring homes to come only once a day and collect water for the night and the following day. In my mind I thought about the things we take for granted, like running water.

When the wig ran out they walked to God knows where with no shoes on to find some more because they didn’t want me to trouble myself and come back the next day. They came back singing and smiling. They offered me food and water and when I said I didn’t feel well they offered me a bed to sleep on to get away from the sun. They do all this with love and kindness in their gestures and words. That is strange to see because I am a stranger to them and where I come from people are not kind for nothing. Millie, smiling and singing the whole time, so beautiful that you almost don’t see that her heels on her little bare feet are cracked and her clothes are torn.

At sundown my aunt and I walked home in the dark. Walking through the ghetto at such a time is not the safest thing to do. There we were in our pumps and jeans, my hair all new, with my somewhat light skin and huge eyes, sticking out like sore thumbs, in the middle of dust and drunk people, braziers and loud music playing in bars. Scary and uncomfortable for us, but home for them. When we got home I was so relieved to take a bath and eat rice and buttered vegetables and sleep in a warm soft bed. I was also ashamed.

I know for a fact that where I live with the people I know in the places I go, more often than not there is conflict and strife, dissatisfaction, lack of understanding, pride, wanting to be better than, earn better than, gossip, malice, selfishness, and all sorts of other base emotions. But out there where I spent the day, they are different, the energy was so positive and peaceful, calming. Different. Out there they don’t have the trappings of our artificial world. They only have what they have and each other and because they accept that, they are content and they live their lives in peace. It shows in their resilience, their sense of family and community, their respectful kindness and the peace that envelops them like a cloud. Of course it doesn’t apply to every single one of them, but being out there, watching Millie I wanted to have that peace.

The peace that comes from knowing that I am here, now and that is enough.

So I spent most of the next day thinking long and hard about my life and mentally weeding out all the unnecessary things in my life. Emotions that will take me nowhere and grudges I did not know I was holding. At the end of this exercise, as I write this, I am filled with a sense of sadness at how much we take for granted out here where everything is comfortable. I made a choice from now on to never let it be said that I was ungrateful. I will live each day being thankful for the little things, the minor victories and learning from the pitfalls. Taking lessons and sowing them as seeds of wisdom to grow into plants of wisdom for others to learn from without having to taste their bitter fruit. 

Above all making sure that those I love and cherish know every minute of every waking day that they mean the absolute world to me and that my life would be nothing without them. Even those that stand afar and watch over me, people from my past that made an impact or helped me make the changes I needed to make to become this person that they are proud of today. And to all those that remain and stay a part of my journey even if it is in the smallest way, I am thankful for you and for life and for being able to wake up every day and know the sun is shining even though I don’t see it and take a breath and a step and be me.

I am glad I went to Chazanga. I am glad I am here this year and going through all the things I am going through, because I am growing and changing and becoming the person I am meant to be. I am so glad. And I know all of this will make sense in the end.  So in the spirit of the journeys we are taking I am further inspired to keep putting right foot in front of left, one day at a time until we get to the top of these mountains…

#TitaniumSolid #Kilimanjaro

Miss Mahogany.

Silhouettes...

This blog post was actually supposed to be called, “165 Days Without The Sun,” then I thought, how about if I kept that for another day? I mean, I know what that is all about so why not delve into uncharted territory?

So instead, I decided to write about something I am learning on this journey of mine. I like the word ‘journey’ now. It doesn't scare me so much anymore. I am actually looking forward to most of the next 36 days of my life. I recently embarked on a little cleansing exercise that is called “The 40 Day Soul Fast” and I recommend it to anyone out here who is looking for clarity in their life, self-discovery, peace, serenity and a life of authentically living your truth. In the four days since I started it, I have already seen great change in myself, in the quality and nature of my thoughts and the space of peace and quietness inside me is growing bigger with every passing moment and new realization.

I believe so many of us are looking for wholeness, a sense of completion, a sense of fulfillment in every area of life, whether it be in terms of career and financial security, emotional stability or just your health, everyone is trying to find a place of equilibrium, a place of solidification, a place where one is no longer a shell, a silhouette. I have been searching for that place for a long time. I didn't understand it till recently and it took me seeing somebody very close to me going through what I went through a while ago to make me understand that it’s a human search, it’s not just my struggle alone. So many people out here are struggling to shed the scales on them brought on by pain, disappointment in self and in others, hurt, fear, anger, failure, the past, all the negatives you could possibly imagine. A few go through life, never dealing with any of those things (and become druggies), but there are a few who desperately seek freedom and I am one such person.

Freedom is so valuable; the most priceless gift you can give yourself is to be free. Do whatever you can to be free, to be empty, because once you are empty, truly devoid of all that holds you back and holds you down, then and only then can you begin to fill yourself with the things that are meant to make you whole. A shadow is a reflection of the real thing, a glimpse of what a person is, the outline, shape of a character, moving and breathing in tandem with that person. However, so many of us find ourselves in places where our light clearly begins to fade and the shadow begins to absorb what we are. In this darkness, self-doubt, blame, confusion, lack of direction, loss of passion and in my case, depression can become your best friends. The voices in your head pointing out to you everything that is wrong become louder and more prominent than the voices reassuring you that if you just look to the light, this too shall pass. The ‘light’ becomes a foreign concept, like Greek spoken to a Tonga man. Darkness and fear are comfortable because their sources are easily attainable. The struggle to get to the end of the tunnel is too great a task for many.

I was there once.  I find myself in a similar place now.  But lately I find myself thinking back to my friend’s words every time I feel myself sinking into despair, “the doldrums” as he so often describes that place. He would tell me every single time, “You are stronger than you think, you are stronger than this,” and somehow from somewhere deep down inside, serenity would come and I would remember that I am indeed made of really tough stuff. And it is that serenity, that acceptance that helps me to continue putting right foot in front of left…one day at a time, “baby steps”…a little bit of jazz, a little bit of sleep, a little bit of laughter and a lot of prayer and I will get to a point where the emptiness is filled with light and love and peace and hope and strength and quiet solid equilibrium. I need that to get up this mountain.

So I guess what I am trying to say is silhouettes are beautiful because they give an inkling of what the substance continued look like, but I don’t want to be a silhouette, I want to be a whole person, all my pieces together, beautifully scarred but perfectly complete, full of love and life and growth and progress. To get there, I have to stop now and breathe and take a moment to remember that I am not alone on this journey and I really will be just fine in the end, whether I get what I want right now or I don’t. I hope anything I have said in here will help someone searching like me, and maybe give them comfort too. Comfort is beautiful, but that like the story about 165 days is another post for another day…

#TitaniumSolid #Kilimanjaro

Unforgettably Yours,

Miss Mahogany…

Nature Song....

He is Sun, Sky, Moon

Stars, Clouds, the Blue…

He is safety

Infinity

Always been…even when he never was

Sometimes he darkens,

Then a spark lights him up again

The blue…

Infinite

You cannot see the extent of his reach

Do not have to

He just is…

She is Earth, Water, Wind, Fire

Strength, heat, fluid, movement

Growth, birth, death, revival, circles and cycles

Never ending, ever winding, ever changing,

And yet

Constant, eternal,

As trees shed leaves and recreate them

So she remains…

Firm, real, tangible Earth

You cannot see her reach or her boundaries

Do not have to

Only have to know that she is…

The distance between them…

What does it take to touch the sky…

How far must one climb

How high does one attempt to jump

A search for Jacob’s Ladder…

A stairway to heaven that their hearts may meet

Angels sing and look down,

Wry smiles upon their lips…

The futility of hopping up and down in the space between

The Earth and the Sky…

And then

A whirlwind….

The Earth, the Wind, the Air…

Separates from the Water and Fire

Grows wings, dancing a spiral dance…

She twirls…

He gasps in surprise…

An act of God

A leap of Faith….

In that moment…

The whirlwind…

The Earth kisses the Sky….

Eyes Wide Open...

Last night I had another epiphany. Music is my problem. Fell asleep with my headsets on and the song playing must have touched me deeper than I realised because I felt my body come awake and my eyes fly open in wonder at the feeling that was overtaking me.

I had a moment right there in my bed where I saw my whole life. Everything I can remember and some of what I had forgotten.  Who I am, where I came from, why I am here now. What got me here to this exact point in my life. Every little thing. All the people, places and things I have lost. The people, places and things I have held on to. Things I should and things I shouldn’t. My mistakes, my bad choices, my good choices, my wrong turns…every little thing. 

I have paid lip service to God. I have paid lip service to myself and many a time let me down. My names mean humility, grace, beauty, strength, wisdom and love…but how many of those virtues truly describe me? How many of those things are really made manifest in my life and in the ways I treat and deal with people?

Self-examination is the balm of any wound. A very close friend of mine has taught me that. It is only in looking inward and accepting the things inside that are broken and in seeking help, healing and progress does the truth of one’s existence and purpose on this earth truly become visible.

I do not know everything. I do not even pretend to. But I know myself. And judge me all you like, I am this me…unapologetically...a work in progress but a thing of beauty all the same…because I am beautifully human… behind the poetry and cleverly disguised words lies a dark and bitter truth that I was once broken too. Broken, bruised, lost, destroyed, drowning in evil, pain, in horror and fear, in a boiling pot of darkness made up of my own doing and the things done to me. I was once less than a person, a piece of a heart, surviving on rage and cruel indifference in every area of my life. In an attempt to protect myself I built walls…high thick walls to keep the world, truth, love and peace out. I fully understand walls.

A day came when I had to let all that go. Thank God for that day…my journey has been hard…to be honest it still is…but I am on the right track now…I am at peace. Last night I realised I am only on this earth because God wants me here and there is something He needs for me to be, something He placed me here to do. I do not know yet what it is but I have decided to take the steps to make it my life’s mission to find out and fulfil God’s plan. Whatever it might be, no matter how big or how small.

I am now ready for all that is not of Him, all that is not mine, all that is not for me to be ripped from me, torn from inside me, grabbed from around me and replaced with all that is rightfully and beautifully mine. I am ready for my walls to be exploded and destroyed, for my feet to be loosed from their shackles and my hands freed from their cuffs, for my heart to be released from its cage and in the fullness of its strength and glory, beat its way to the destiny that awaits me…whatever that may be.

My best friend is called Surrender, her sister is called Acceptance and I choose to carry them with me wherever I go. I can and I will do this and do it well. Always maintaining an attitude of Trust, Respect, the Honor and Loyalty of a soldier, the Dignity, Grace and brightness of Spirit of a Queen, brutal Honesty, Openness, genuine and selfless Kindness, clothing myself in Patience, Understanding and unconditional blood, sweat and tears, through the wire Love….

#TitaniumSolid #Kilimanjaro

Unforgettably Yours,

Miss Mahogany.