Eyes Wide Open...

Last night I had another epiphany. Music is my problem. Fell asleep with my headsets on and the song playing must have touched me deeper than I realised because I felt my body come awake and my eyes fly open in wonder at the feeling that was overtaking me.

I had a moment right there in my bed where I saw my whole life. Everything I can remember and some of what I had forgotten.  Who I am, where I came from, why I am here now. What got me here to this exact point in my life. Every little thing. All the people, places and things I have lost. The people, places and things I have held on to. Things I should and things I shouldn’t. My mistakes, my bad choices, my good choices, my wrong turns…every little thing. 

I have paid lip service to God. I have paid lip service to myself and many a time let me down. My names mean humility, grace, beauty, strength, wisdom and love…but how many of those virtues truly describe me? How many of those things are really made manifest in my life and in the ways I treat and deal with people?

Self-examination is the balm of any wound. A very close friend of mine has taught me that. It is only in looking inward and accepting the things inside that are broken and in seeking help, healing and progress does the truth of one’s existence and purpose on this earth truly become visible.

I do not know everything. I do not even pretend to. But I know myself. And judge me all you like, I am this me…unapologetically...a work in progress but a thing of beauty all the same…because I am beautifully human… behind the poetry and cleverly disguised words lies a dark and bitter truth that I was once broken too. Broken, bruised, lost, destroyed, drowning in evil, pain, in horror and fear, in a boiling pot of darkness made up of my own doing and the things done to me. I was once less than a person, a piece of a heart, surviving on rage and cruel indifference in every area of my life. In an attempt to protect myself I built walls…high thick walls to keep the world, truth, love and peace out. I fully understand walls.

A day came when I had to let all that go. Thank God for that day…my journey has been hard…to be honest it still is…but I am on the right track now…I am at peace. Last night I realised I am only on this earth because God wants me here and there is something He needs for me to be, something He placed me here to do. I do not know yet what it is but I have decided to take the steps to make it my life’s mission to find out and fulfil God’s plan. Whatever it might be, no matter how big or how small.

I am now ready for all that is not of Him, all that is not mine, all that is not for me to be ripped from me, torn from inside me, grabbed from around me and replaced with all that is rightfully and beautifully mine. I am ready for my walls to be exploded and destroyed, for my feet to be loosed from their shackles and my hands freed from their cuffs, for my heart to be released from its cage and in the fullness of its strength and glory, beat its way to the destiny that awaits me…whatever that may be.

My best friend is called Surrender, her sister is called Acceptance and I choose to carry them with me wherever I go. I can and I will do this and do it well. Always maintaining an attitude of Trust, Respect, the Honor and Loyalty of a soldier, the Dignity, Grace and brightness of Spirit of a Queen, brutal Honesty, Openness, genuine and selfless Kindness, clothing myself in Patience, Understanding and unconditional blood, sweat and tears, through the wire Love….

#TitaniumSolid #Kilimanjaro

Unforgettably Yours,

Miss Mahogany.