Silhouettes...

This blog post was actually supposed to be called, “165 Days Without The Sun,” then I thought, how about if I kept that for another day? I mean, I know what that is all about so why not delve into uncharted territory?

So instead, I decided to write about something I am learning on this journey of mine. I like the word ‘journey’ now. It doesn't scare me so much anymore. I am actually looking forward to most of the next 36 days of my life. I recently embarked on a little cleansing exercise that is called “The 40 Day Soul Fast” and I recommend it to anyone out here who is looking for clarity in their life, self-discovery, peace, serenity and a life of authentically living your truth. In the four days since I started it, I have already seen great change in myself, in the quality and nature of my thoughts and the space of peace and quietness inside me is growing bigger with every passing moment and new realization.

I believe so many of us are looking for wholeness, a sense of completion, a sense of fulfillment in every area of life, whether it be in terms of career and financial security, emotional stability or just your health, everyone is trying to find a place of equilibrium, a place of solidification, a place where one is no longer a shell, a silhouette. I have been searching for that place for a long time. I didn't understand it till recently and it took me seeing somebody very close to me going through what I went through a while ago to make me understand that it’s a human search, it’s not just my struggle alone. So many people out here are struggling to shed the scales on them brought on by pain, disappointment in self and in others, hurt, fear, anger, failure, the past, all the negatives you could possibly imagine. A few go through life, never dealing with any of those things (and become druggies), but there are a few who desperately seek freedom and I am one such person.

Freedom is so valuable; the most priceless gift you can give yourself is to be free. Do whatever you can to be free, to be empty, because once you are empty, truly devoid of all that holds you back and holds you down, then and only then can you begin to fill yourself with the things that are meant to make you whole. A shadow is a reflection of the real thing, a glimpse of what a person is, the outline, shape of a character, moving and breathing in tandem with that person. However, so many of us find ourselves in places where our light clearly begins to fade and the shadow begins to absorb what we are. In this darkness, self-doubt, blame, confusion, lack of direction, loss of passion and in my case, depression can become your best friends. The voices in your head pointing out to you everything that is wrong become louder and more prominent than the voices reassuring you that if you just look to the light, this too shall pass. The ‘light’ becomes a foreign concept, like Greek spoken to a Tonga man. Darkness and fear are comfortable because their sources are easily attainable. The struggle to get to the end of the tunnel is too great a task for many.

I was there once.  I find myself in a similar place now.  But lately I find myself thinking back to my friend’s words every time I feel myself sinking into despair, “the doldrums” as he so often describes that place. He would tell me every single time, “You are stronger than you think, you are stronger than this,” and somehow from somewhere deep down inside, serenity would come and I would remember that I am indeed made of really tough stuff. And it is that serenity, that acceptance that helps me to continue putting right foot in front of left…one day at a time, “baby steps”…a little bit of jazz, a little bit of sleep, a little bit of laughter and a lot of prayer and I will get to a point where the emptiness is filled with light and love and peace and hope and strength and quiet solid equilibrium. I need that to get up this mountain.

So I guess what I am trying to say is silhouettes are beautiful because they give an inkling of what the substance continued look like, but I don’t want to be a silhouette, I want to be a whole person, all my pieces together, beautifully scarred but perfectly complete, full of love and life and growth and progress. To get there, I have to stop now and breathe and take a moment to remember that I am not alone on this journey and I really will be just fine in the end, whether I get what I want right now or I don’t. I hope anything I have said in here will help someone searching like me, and maybe give them comfort too. Comfort is beautiful, but that like the story about 165 days is another post for another day…

#TitaniumSolid #Kilimanjaro

Unforgettably Yours,

Miss Mahogany…