80/20 The End

I sat and watched them walk out of the hospital. The look on Julius' face a mixture of so many emotions. So many things he could not say.

That hospital would always remain a sacred place to him.

Walking to the car, hands shaking, eyes full of tears he slid into the front seat and laid his head on his hands and wept.

How far they had come, so close, so solid. Hearts beating in perfect harmony and he had taken it all so horribly for granted. Mistakes irreparable, things he could never erase, never take away. Hurt. So much hurt.  And all his fault.

It was all he could do to not punch himself in the face even though he knew that still would not change what had happened. And he had tried. He had tried with all his might to make it right and now this moment...

He wept.

I watched as she walked slowly round to his side of the car. The babies were safely in the back seat. But his heart was more important and she didn't understand.

The months after the accident had been so hard. But they had made it. Through the physiotherapy and the painful sleepless nights. Through those difficult, difficult conversations and the tears.

It took her three months to calm down inside and for a person like her, that was alot. Nothing ever rattled her in real life. But that had been a nightmare. And she was beyond rattled for so long.

The weight had no choice but to come off. All eight kilograms of it. She had opened another shop. That's how enraged she was. It was good for business.

And then he walked into church that Sunday morning and sat next to her and held her hand. Something inside her snapped. Like all the rivers, lakes and oceans in all the world had converged behind her eyes and spilt out. She couldn't stop crying.

It didn't take long after that for him to start sending flowers and arranging cute little dates. Opening the picnic basket and finding it empty except for the most exquisite 24 carat diamond ring, sitting on top of a sandwich was the most beautiful moment in their journey. She didn't have to say yes, he already knew.

And now they had twins. A boy and a girl. So what on earth was he crying about? This was a happy moment. Or wasn't it?

I knew her thoughts and her fears and her concerns. But I also knew he was crying because he didn't deserve the chance she had given him.

Its not easy to be a man that proud and make mistakes so large and say you're sorry and mean it. Its easier to walk away. Chalk it up to a bad decision and luck out. Wait for the next thing. Nobody really wants to sift through rubble. Its easier to walk away and say that everything was burnt.

But he had done it. He had gambled. He had fought for her and he had won. And she was worth every second of pain. Every uncomfortable conversation. Every tear. Every sleepless night. She was worth it. She anticipated his every mood, catered to every need, laughed at every joke, calmed every storm, diminished every fear. She did everything right. Even when she was wrong she was right. For him.

He didn't deserve it. He knew that. How many times had he given up on her? How many times had he ignored her little attempts to get his attention, to make him smile, to be there for him because he thought he could do it better without her?

How many things did he take for granted? When her jaw clenched in pain everytime he got too close to someone at an event or her patience whenever he ignored her calls? His arrogance and selfishness and self-sufficiency. His ability to make her feel so unnecessary and inadequate without ever even trying? And she had almost died because of him.

Yet here she was. Never a harsh word, never a cold answer, never rejecting him. And she had given him babies too. He had no words. Looking up at her he struggled to find something to say to explain. She looked down at him and he didn't have to speak.

She knew...

THE END...

Don't lose the one you need for the one you want. Life and Death are just a decision apart.

#AmorVincitOmnia #LoveOverEverything

80/20 Part 7

She had returned the phone without checking it because it had gone off. Sometime in between the tears and the throwing up the battery had gone flat. She never saw it ring. She never thought of it until today.

Julius sat down. Five months had passed. Long break.

They arrested him that day and he spent the night in the cells. In the morning he had gone to Leleti's. He never knew why. But he walked in and found her with the pregnancy test and the herbs sitting on the sofa. Her door was open and that smell...that terrible smell was filling up the room.

It was like in that instant his eyes were opened. And he saw her for what she really was. All the way from her ankles that were actually dark and rough around where she squeezed her feet into her shoes to her over plucked eyebrows and her pug nose.

He was revolted. She was sitting there mouth open. He wasn't supposed to be here.

The test was negative. He didn't even sit down. He walked straight back to his car and went to tell his mother everything. Then he went for an HIV test. Negative. Then he booked a flight and left and didn't tell anyone for twenty one days, where he was.

How could he have been so stupid? Crazy woman then started texting pictures of him sleeping in her bed, in his bed, no clothes on, grinning caddishly in the car, whatever...first to him and then when she got no response she sent them to Suwi.

How do you even fix that?

Not even anywhere near his wife and he was already messing things up. Everybody told him to go beg. But that pride of his. And she had not reached out. Not even to ask him what was going on. He didn't blame her.

She watched him sit. Lump in her throat the size of an elephant's head. She couldn't speak. Again. Never in her wildest dreams did she ever think this would have happened like it had. But it had. And now here they were. She didn't know what to say so she asked how he was doing. She wasn't prepared for his tears. Or for his confession. Or for his explanation. Or for him to beg.

Every tear he cried was like a knife twisting in her heart. It didn't make any sense. Who was this woman? Where did he find her? In the convenience store at the gas station? Like, who meets a woman in a gas station? How did he leave everything they had for a woman at a gas station that he didn't know? After everything they went through? How? It just made no sense.

Sitting there watching him talk she felt herself drifting away. His mother had pleaded with her to have this meeting. It was the least she could do. But it would have to be something spectacular that he offered for her to put this all behind her and try again. All this talk about herbs. Like really?

The anger and the bile rose in her throat as the heart in his chest detached itself and sank into his belly. He could see it in her eyes. Pain. Pain. Unspeakable pain. And he couldn't do anything to fix it because he put it there.

She got up from the table, legs like jelly and ran out of the restaurant. She never saw the convertible turn the corner. Her eyes were too full of tears. All she saw was the sky above her as the impact tossed her into the air. Her eyes closed and the last thing she heard before her back hit the ground was Julius screaming her name....

To Be Continued...

80/20 Part 6 ( Suwilanji)

Why is he on the news?

Arrested? For what? Oh God, let me call his mother.

I have loved before. But not like this. Its been four weeks and it still feels like he did this yesterday. Just yesterday he was here. It hurts like a truck sitting on my heart.

He's my best friend. We laugh, we talk, we dance, we eat, we love. Who am I going to grab the last piece of chicken in the bucket from now? I actually can't handle this.

Why didn't he call me. Doesn't he know I will always be there for him? And now on the news? Everyone is gonna think I did something now. And I really didn't. I thought we were alright. I thought everything was going really well. I mean yeah, he was a bit weird but he gets busy sometimes. Its not a thing.

Did I give him too much space? Maybe he thought I was not interested. Or paying enough attention. And I gained weight. Gosh. All those funny barbeques with the girls. I need to start working out.

This break, is it like for good or what? Eish! My mind is actually all over. And I haven't been to the stores all week. I should go in today. But first let me call his mother.

I wish he knew what I feel in my heart. There is nothing I would not do for him. He has made me so happy after so much sadness in the past. One day I will show him. If God gives me that chance. I will show him. And if he comes back I will do better. I will spend more time with him and lose this weight. Maybe there was something I wasn't doing. Or is it because we are not sleeping together anymore? But he said he was okay with waiting.

Lord I don't know. But you do. So help. I need help.

Oh God, let me call his mother for real now...

To Be Continued...

80/20 Part 5 (Julius)

Oh God what the hell am I doing though???

Its the third time I am going to this girl's house. I hate myself before and afterwards. But when I am there its like I can't think.

What is that fog that covers my mind when I'm with her? Justifying my disgusting behavior? Because its disgusting what I am doing. Thank God Su will never know. I don't think I could handle it.

I need to end this.

I know what I need and its not this.

I miss Suwi. She always knows what to say to calm me down. Even when she is annoying, I love her. She is so beautiful and kind and gentle and giving. I never really wanted someone like that. You have to be answerable to someone like that. But she took care of me from day one and I just can't see myself really and truly being with someone else.

So what am I doing?

I am turning 32. Its time to settle down. She is clean and cooks and she prays and she supports everything I do. We make such a great team. I have always been so misunderstood. But she gets me. Without trying. My best friend. So loyal. I don't even have to tell her, she just knows. And she knows when I'm lying. I actually don't know what the hell I am doing!

Okay, this problem started because I am just a coward. I should have told her that mum found out things about her. But those things have nothing to do with me or who she is now. And alcohol is just alcohol. Its not like she killed someone.

Maybe I should tell her. I think this break can end. I will tell her. And this one with her sweaty sheets I must dump.

Who is going to take care of me like...

Oh crap! What now? I was driving at 80 wasn't I? Oh man...okay...maybe not 80...argh!

"Yes sir. Sorry sir. Can I see your licence please?"
"Yeah let me just get it for you."
"Sir have you been drinking?"
"Uh, no, well, yes, I..."
"Kindly step out of the vehicle."

To Be Continued...

80/20 Part 4 (Leleti)

I am thirty four. Unmarried. No plan. Basic education. Life can be hard for someone like me.

So when this Julius walked into my life I guess I felt like it was a lifeline. I only found out about the girlfriend when we were two weeks into texting. And at this point I don't really care. After all they are not married. Maybe if they were I would think differently.

So my friends think I am a skank for being the side chick. But hey, once in a while a side chick gets an upgrade, these things, you have to "lwisha."

He's a really nice guy. Good looking is an understatement. And he is funny. He isn't broke either. I know if it came to that I would be a very well taken care of wife. He is the proper provider type. The ones your mother tells you to keep.

I am going to see the old man next week. I asked him to make more herbs for me. They are not like witchcraft witchcraft. Its just something to make me look more attractive to him. I don't have to be told that I am not actually that easy on the eye. Heck, I am surprised he even went as far as he did the other night.

The only thing is that sweaty smell. I don't know where it came from but ever since I started using the stupid herbs I can't get rid of it.

He's back from New York. I wonder if he brought me anything. Supposed to see him tonight. If all goes according to plan, this guy will marry me by December. That Sandra, Susan chick will never know what hit her.

But why isn't he picking up his phone???

To Be Continued...

80/20 Part 3

Sunday morning 8 o'clock service and she was bright and early. Sitting in the front row, singing her heart out and praying that one day soon, Julius would sit next to her in the pew.

He was always busy on Sunday. Golf. Work. Construction. Soccer. Volunteering at the children's home. But not church. When she asked his mother why, she shrugged and said he needed to find his own way. So she never pushed. And he always asked how it went and never stopped her from going so it wasn't that big a deal anyway.

After church Suwi went to put flowers on her mother's grave. Sixteen years and fading memories but she went every week. The gap was deeply felt as always. But her grandmother had raised her and she lacked nothing in the way of motherly love. It was an added blessing that she was such a favorite with Julius' parents and siblings too.

Driving home, it crossed her mind that he had not come to see her in two days. His texts were short. He seemed unusually preoccupied. Making a mental note to find out what was wrong, she pulled up to her gate and honked her horn. A nap would do her good.

Three more days passed and Julius didn't see Suwi. He knew he should. But in between work and guilt and another foolish visit to Leleti's flat, he couldn't find the stomach to fake it. If there was one thing he always claimed he wasn't, it was a fake. So he stayed away.

Friday morning he flew out to New York on business and made a decision to end things with Leleti when he got back.

Suwi never needed to know.

The two weeks flew by and before she knew it Suwi was rushing from the shop to the airport to pick Julius up. She had a surprise waiting at home. Seeing him walk into the waiting area, her heart skipped four beats. She failed to notice that his smile was strained and he made no eye contact. She helped push his trolley and chattered away happily about the new fittings that had just arrived for their building project.

Nodding and mumbling quietly, Julius closed his eyes in the passenger's seat and let her drive him home. The decision was made but it didn't feel like it was a good thing.

Walking into her flat he smelt the vanilla incense sticks burning and took in the pretty candlelit dinner setting on the table. His heart sunk in his chest. She pulled a casserole dish out of the oven. His favorite butter chicken and basmati rice. And she had baked an actual cake. Kicking himself he steeled his heart to make his position known.

Dinner eaten and the dishes put away, Suwi kicked her slippers off and curled up in his lap. Kissing her forehead he turned her to him and said, "Babe, we need to talk."

She closed her eyes and took in the scent of him. Was it possible for anyone to ALWAYS smell so good?

"I'm listening."
"I think we need a break."

Her eyes flew open. What on earth was he saying? A break? What was a a break?

"I just, I have a lot on my plate right now and I'm struggling to focus. I have also been dealing with my feelings about you. I just, I need to think."

Tears filled her eyes. Words flew out of her mouth. Dumbfounded and speechless, the food barely settled in her belly, she stood up and walked to her room.

Julius picked his jacket up off the chair next to the table and let himself out. His phone was ringing. Leleti calling. But he didn't remember to pick it up off the kitchen counter as he fled down the stairs...

To Be Continued...

80/20 Part 2

The thing about Suwi was she had a past. Once upon a time the consummate party girl. Drank. Smoked. Got into the cat fights. Racked up a few bills. Gained a bunch of weight. Got beat up by an old boyfriend.

But Suwi survived herself. And her bad decisions. And she found a place inside herself that she could go to escape from the ugliness of life. People never really knew. But Suwi knew. And God knew. People speculated. Made up their own versions. But God knew. And because God knew, she overcame.

Julius knew all her stories. The true ones and the lies. And he said he loved her anyway. And because he loved her anyway Suwi was secure. Loyal. Devoted. Understanding. Supportive. Respectful. The original ride or die. Bulletproof in the face of adversity.

So when he didn't pick up his phone, she paid for her coffee and went back to work. He was probably still in his meeting and they would talk later. No man wants a clingy woman anyway.

She never thought she would ever question whether loving him so strong had made Julius weak.

A-line floral print in the deepest red and purple, above six inch Guiseppe Zanotti sandals and a smile on her face, Suwi slid into her S Class and turned up the volume. Just another day right?

Just another day.

Julius walked into the hotel lobby three  weeks later for lunch with Leleti. She was waiting on the terrace in a a black and gold shift and when he leaned in to kiss her cheek, the sweaty odor filtered past his nostrils. He frowned. Then he decided it was a hot day anyway.

And so it began.

The texts, the calls. The 'innocent' lunches and emails. The one time that he went out with "the boys" and they never showed up. See the thing about giving a man freedom, he has to be responsible for it. Or he will abuse it and betray your trust.

Funny thing about it was Leleti wasn't attractive after the first two dates. Her curves were more fat than voluptuous. Her eyes were never going to be as expressive as Suwi's doe eyes in the moonlight. She was smart and funny in her own way and different and new and that made her interesting. But there was no depth to the liaison. Julius could never let anybody in too far. So she saw what he allowed her to see and never knew the man that Suwi would later say she had helped to build.

Love does that to you. It creates a sacred grove that not even Monalisa's perfect smile and pearly ankles could ever penetrate.

But Julius was confused. So when Leleti asked him up for coffee after the seventh date, he went up and he ignored the sweaty smell in her sheets. He ignored the fact that she never offered him anything to drink. He ignored the pictures she had turned face down in the living room. He ignored the whiskey on her breath and decided that for her he wouldn't mind a woman who drank.

And when he zipped up his pants and walked into her dirty bathroom to wash up, he ignored the pessaries sitting next to the sink and the ugly claw in his chest tearing at his heart. He ignored his phone ringing, the sound of Suwi's laughter that he had always thought was the most beautiful ringtone.

Julius walked out of the bathroom and picked his jacket off the floor. Leleti asked where he was going and he mumbled something about leaving a laptop at work. He knew he would come back here. He didn't know why. But for right this minute, he wanted to throw up and flog himself and move to another country.

The seed was sown. The evil uncapped. And Suwi went to bed and dreamt of fighting and waterfalls and didn't understand why.

In the morning Julius called at 6:15 like he always did. She was praying to God to give her peace, so she didn't pick up...

To Be Continued...

Day One

So I came across a single woman something something website in my web trawling and on it was this #30DayBloggingChallenge.

I decided to join it for two reasons: I have been told I need to blog more and also I feel like there are some things I would like to document and what better platform to use than my own blog right?

So over the next twenty nine days I shall write about a random topic. Some of the topics will be from the Single Womanhood site. That's where the challenge is from. But others will be from my head because I can't exactly write about "My Favorite Thing About Being A Single Woman Right Now"...and also I know someone who hates when I write emo stuff... *grins cheekily*...

Keeping it short and sweet for day one just to introduce the challenge and remind you that I am still out here...

Happy reading...

#TitaniumSolid

M.M

80/20 Part 1

Once upon a time there was a man.

He was young and handsome and intelligent. He worked hard and played hard and had dreams and goals and aspirations just like everybody else.

This man, we will call him Julius for now, had everything he needed and a lot of what he wanted. He should have been content. But he suffered from the "more" disease. So he pushed himself and pushed himself in every area to be better, to grow, to work harder, to acquire, to be a man.

Admirable stuff. He was everything a woman could want and everything a mother would want for her daughter.

One afternoon in a gas station convenience store, Julius bumped into Leleti. She was picking up a bottle of soy sauce she had accidentally knocked off a shelf when he turned the corner into the aisle and noticed her ankles. Of all the things. Ankles.

"Sorry" and "excuse me" and a six pack of Castle Lite later, Julius walked out of the store. Shades on, windows up, music loud, face expressionless, he couldn't erase the image of those flawless ankles from his mind. He drove to his appointment absent mindedly and could not explain it to Suwilanji when he forgot what he was supposed to be doing for the rest of the afternoon.

Suwi cleared up the kitchen and packed up the dishes with a question in her head and a frown on her brow. She couldn't quite put her finger on it but for some reason her usually hilarious boyfriend, always the life of the party had been particularly subdued this afternoon. It didn't really help that her friends were going on and on about wedding things either. Making it a point to reassure him of the fact that they were not speaking on her behalf, she turned off the lights and went up to bed and a Skype date.

He rarely ever slept over. And she was okay with that.

Suwi was a really simple girl. The things that mattered to her were quality time and friendships and honesty. She would much rather cuddle on the sofa or play board games than attend all the things she got invited to.

She worked hard too. Made it a habit to save and live within her means. She ran her own little business and had two stores on separate ends of town that were doing really well. She spent alot of time alone. Julius worked long hours and her friends were more raucous than she cared to admit these days.

She was loyal. Breathtakingly beautiful but always understated. Caring, kind, supportive and so soft. She made sense to him because she cushioned his hardness and embraced his aloofness in awe. Suwi was home to Julius. She had a temper and sometimes she put him under pressure to do things but for the most part she was perfect for him.

She balanced out his imbalance and he was her pillar. Her North Star. Her guiding light. And he was so smart and so interesting and so much to be proud of. It helped that he said he thought she was amazing...told her he loved her every day...

Two years and eight months into this thing and everyone expected them to get married. The white picket fence and the three kids. They looked amazing together. And nobody understood the one better than the other. Nobody.

A match made in heaven. But trouble was brewing in hell.

Julius walked into the building at 9am for his presentation. Rosewood suit on point. Arthur George socks that she got him for his birthday. Pale pink tie that she picked out for his pale pink shirt inside the navy blue jacket cut to fit his 6'1" frame like a glove. Perfect gold cuff links, and an initialled tie pin; he looked like a million and fifty bucks.

He walked up to the secretary's desk and waited for her to come and attend to him. Looked at his watch and in that instant he saw the ankles again. Light caramel skin emerging from a pair of cream high heeled red bottoms. Curves leading up to the prettiest dimpled knees that disappeared into a deep purple skirt that hugged her hourglass figure like skin.

The whole world stopped.

"Hello Mr...ummm sorry, can I help you?"

He came back to his senses. Surely this was not a coincidence. Surely.

Introducing himself and stating his business, Julius walked into the meeting bewildered, perplexed and a little hot under the collar. His jaded eyes failed to take in Leleti's overly large nose and too far spread out eyes and the fact that her teeth were somewhat stained and she smelt faintly of sweat even at 9 in the morning.

He couldn't get past the ankles.

Making a mental note to obtain her number on his way out, Julius launched into his presentation. The deal done and paperwork exchanged, he left the building with her business card burning a brazen hole into his breast pocket.

His mind ablaze with curiosity, he failed to remember Suwi's call earlier that morning inviting him to brunch to discuss progress on their joint building project.

Suwi waited. 12 o'clock. 12:30. 1 o'clock. Then she called. And he didn't pick up.

To Be Continued...

Cocoons & Caves

I heard a conversation or an interview or read a blog somewhere a few days ago. I cannot remember what it was but I remember that somebody said the following.

"Just because they don't say anything, people feel the need to fill in the blanks. Whether the filling in is factual or not, nobody cares as long as there is some kind of information. Doesn't matter who gets hurt."

The truth in this statement made me think about a lot of things. I am not one to claim to have haters. I don't really know what a hater is. Some people love me, others like me, yet others merely tolerate, while others completely dislike me and there are even some who are completely indifferent. They don't care either way. While a select few wouldn't spit on me if I were on fire. I don't know what a "hater" is. And to be honest there are people in each of those categories when it comes to my affection as well.

I don't hold people's feelings about me against them. Nobody should. Its not what I am called but what I answer to that matters. But I can understand the angst of innocent people who become the targets of smear campaigns and deliberate character assassination.

The thing about gossip, malice and slander is that they spring forth from an inner well of negativity that in the end destroys the host more than anybody else.

Its true. A person living their life in peace has no need whatsoever to explain themselves to anyone. But why is it that just because the details of my last meal are not posted on my instagram, you feel the need to assume and broadcast the "fact" that I couldn't afford to have dinner last night?

Social media and its offshoots have basics out here buying dreams that aren't even on sale. I say this all the time. Fact of the matter is, the truth is always either universally known or fiercely protected. And when its fiercely protected people will give their eyeteeth to know. So when they can't find out they make up lies.

Its funny how just because a nigga rocked up in a well cut suit, everyone will assume he is made and the ratchets will crawl out of the woodwork, vaginas buzzing in anticipation, offering themselves as blood sacrifice in the hope that the trickle down effect of his paycheck will lubricate their exorbitant hair budgets.

I have seen this with my own eyes. Women eyeing a man like an actual piece of meat. Little do they know, homeboy is nothing like what he seems and the people who do know who he really is will guard him with their lives.

Same thing with people's relationships. Why is it everyone's business all of a sudden? Doesn't matter if you are Chris Brown or Christopher Banda at the liquor shop, somebody always has something to say about your business.

It all boils down to a lack of self worth. And having too much time on your hands. Its true what they say about small people discussing other people. If there isn't enough going on in your life you qualify as a small person. People really are dying of ebola and hunger and violent crimes and yet here you are discussing other people and fabricating explanations of things that never needed to be explained.

There is safety in solitude. In hiding. In the quiet privacy of my cocoon or my cave where nobody knows anything but me. I can sing out loud and walk around naked, eat leftovers and sleep with the light on when my nightmares wake me up and nobody but nobody will ever see or know who I really am and what I really do or think or need or fear. And that's how I like it. Because who cares about "haters" when you are safe inside your own space?

When I emerge from that bubble, I don't care about anything except returning to it. Because I learned the hard way that you cannot trust anybody outside the bubble. And you can never tell anyone outside your circle anything true. Because good or bad it will be used against you.

When it comes down to it you know, statements have to be made. Things have to be said. Insults demand response. Disrespect demands retaliation right? That's what they say.

So here is an answer to all those questions you have about me, my life, my health, my HIV status, my relationship, my family, my job, my wardrobe, my friends list and the state of my bank account: IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. You would do well to remember that the next time you have something to say about me or mine.