Happy New Year!!!

As predictable and bla bla bla as it is, and also given the fact that I had already decided not to blog. But I will...one for the road so to speak, before I go on leave...

I have to say though that 2013 was quite the year.

I loved, lost, got it back, lost it, got it back, lost it and got it back in a new bottle...I learnt endurance, patience, how to pick my battles, how to pray, what NOT to do when you have a wardrobe malfunction, how to be calm under pressure (to the point where I have been certified crazy), how to admit when I'm wrong without the "but", how to call a spade a spade even when its scary...so many things I learnt. The biggest highlight though was my first ever slow dance...26 years on this earth without a slow dance but it was more than worth the wait...

Not an easy year...alot of changes both good and bad occurred. Alot of growing, some of it extremely painful. Alot of digging up and sifting through the past and facing a lot of scary monsters in the closet of my mind. I have to say that was probably the most painful part of this journey, but the most meaningful and effective. Because there is something in looking back and asking yourself if you have really forgiven that person or are really over that situation and sitting here, I can proudly say that the past is finally the past, all demons and devils put to rest, buried and on their way to being forgotten. The freedom in that is amazing.

I also learnt who my friends are, and the wisdom in not holding on to everything and everyone, I mean, I only have two hands. I gained some surprisingly refreshing new friends, ate some really good burgers, let go of a whole platoon of people who were not adding any value to my life, accepted that some people in my life are not reliable and that it is true when they say that "People are wired to disappoint." I also learnt not to take so many things personally. Sometimes it really isn't my fault.

I learnt that Love is a heavy HEAVY thing. Before I thought I loved. But once in your life you meet a person and for good or bad they shatter everything you believed about yourself and the value of feelings. They make you rethink your policies on commitment and "not caring" they make you do, say and feel things and go places you never before even dreamed possible...no matter how hard it is they make you better, tougher, steadier, more mature, stronger and THAT is what love is supposed to do. Its not supposed to destroy and leave you crumpled on the floor. I have learnt that. And I believe now more than ever in Love. The 1st Corinthians 13 kind...the Song Of Solomon variety.

My family have become so dear to me. I finally know how they feel about me and I was delightfully surprised. My mother even though she can be classically annoying is a freaking hero! I wish I could be even half of who she is. I finally made peace with my emotionally elusive father, another HUGE step in a future direction. I am very proud of how solid my relationship with my family is now. Very very proud.

God. Is. Great. He has met me and spoken to me and shown me things and sent me messengers and angels and miracles and blessings that I sometimes cannot believe. I learnt that worry limits God. So I am now on my way to relieving myself of that particular burden of my character. I fasted and prayed. So much peace I found. And I know for a fact that God heals, loves, protects and provides and I know it for myself.

To be honest, 2013 though turbulent was a really good year. I am grateful for it and excited to see what wonders lie in the 360 odd days ahead.

Happy New Year!

M.M

Of Thronerooms And Other Issues...

She always had purpose. Big "cahunas" as they said. Guts. Drive. Passion. A brilliant mind. A resilience that people admired and sometimes feared because it seemed she could get through anything. Brokenness was not a feeling she was familiar with.

But brokenness she discovered was part of growth. And so like a house swept clean she woke up one day empty. Devoid of all emotion. Expectant of something, someone, a wind, a change and push, a pull, a tug, a wave...something...empty heart, empty mind, strong.

And all sorts of things followed. Career moves and liftings, attention from the most unlikely places and people and progress. But the throneroom remained empty.

Now when she sits back and thinks about it, those were defining moments. Crowning moments. She has slowly developed into a semblance of a queen. Gracefully accepting. Quietly progressing. Thoughtfully reacting most of the time...

There is lots to think about.

A man.

Alot to think about.

When she thinks now, she remembers the nerves. Not quite knowing how to ask. And how the first impression was so wrong on both their parts. She remembers the weirdness that was not unpleasant but was still weirdness. A particular disjointedness of sensation, like half kneeling with arms akimbo. Poised to jump. She remembers not understanding certain things and moments when he would stop in mid sentence and start calculating something, eyes afar, forefinger squiggling imaginary numbers on an imaginary white board as they sat at the traffic lights. A moment later he would be back, bashfully trying to remember what he had been speaking about. And then one day she was so used to it and fond of it that it made her smile even when he was miles away.

So many pictures, immortality on paper, on hard drives...every day a journey...how he would call before bed and say "Thankyou for helping me navigate through today, I really appreciate it." And she would smile because it made her feel useful and special. And she wonders now when she sits next to him, at which point she became so bound up in the man. When he became so important.

Was it when he hurt his knee and she saw him grimacing in pain and to her chagrin could not do anything to make it go away...everytime she saw him in pain she felt it like her own. Tears popping into her eyes when he cringed in pre-surgery. Like her child, but more than her child, her man. Her half. Her Adam.

Or was it when he laughed and joked and danced and made the ladies giggle and she felt the pride of knowing that no matter whose head he turned, she had turned his and he would be going home with her, and talking about forever to her and nobody else...knowing that he felt, something different and inspired her to feel something different. When they went to the movies and he was everywhere and everything and the world spun around and around and they were just so caught up in each other that it didn't matter how cold it was outside because they would keep each other warm.

A different kind of love.

A scary kind of love.

There is no blueprint for how it is supposed to go, a rule book, a pyramid of forecasted moves and logical conclusions and possible outcomes like connecting the dots. No pattern that says, boy meets girl, they both like custard, boy plays girl a song, girl sings along. Boy meets parents, they marry and they migrate to a pink house with a white picket fence and have five babies that look like their great grandparents.

Nobody tells you about meeting at night in a room full of people who don't care, butterflies in your tummy, milk in his. Nobody tells you that it will be bright red toe nails on bare feet that he will remember till the day he dies. Nobody tells you about not knowing that when you took that first picture his heart would be beating like a million horses at full gallop and that you would not know or hear it because his best asset would always be his ability to hide emotion. Nobody tells him that one day he would fail to hide that emotion from you above all others in the world.

Nobody tells you that it will be weird and complicated and that you will have silly things that bind you together like bone necklaces and bracelets, or songs that you sing along to together...things that you saved in the fire. Nobody tells you what a shock it will always be everytime you finish off each others sentences or that everytime that happens and you smile he would smile back and make the sun come out. Nobody tells you how deeply every argument will hurt and how the first time he calls to make peace he would make a decision to never let a fight brew and fester overnight. And that the day it does will scar both of you for good. Nobody tells you how strong the feelings get. And how quickly it happens that you can't remember the last time you spent a day without thinking of him.

Nobody tells you that there will be no white picket fence house on the prairie because you would rather have an open plan living room and you want glass sliding doors and there will a fence made of iron bars with a black gate outside and flowers up the driveway and you want two kids and not five. Nobody tells you that the road to all of that is paved with barbed wire and frequented by snakes. Nobody tells you that. You walk in blind and find out for yourself.

Its nice to sit and think. She sits and she thinks. About boyish hands and slender fingers, about watching him, a head and a half taller than the rest of his soccer team, patting backs, giving out water, strategising and leading and being so sexy in those shorts. She thinks about oranges, and kisses that taste like red wine. She thinks about pineapples and how he always went out of his way to show her what she meant to him in the most meaningful ways bringing tears to her eyes perpetually...and how alarmed he still gets every time she cries. She could sit and think for hours about all the things she loves about him. And the thoughts are beautiful.

She still has guts. And she is still resilient. Out of that brokenness, the pieces rebuilt into a tower, a pillar, a monument to life and love and pain and experience. And she is still the one to watch, the one to beat, the underrated gem. Still. But now, regardless of cost or consequence, the throneroom is no longer empty...filled by presence, purpose, lifeblood, shock...Adam.

One more day, one more night, one more step...every day a journey...outcomes unknown...blind faith...there is healing in hope...

Take Me To The King...

"Take Me To The King

  I don't have much to bring

  My heart is torn in pieces

  It's my offering

  Lay me at the throne

  Leave me there alone

  To gaze upon your glory

  And sing to you this song

  Take Me To The King."

  - Tamela Mann

Forgive me...this will be a loooooooonnnnngggg post....

I went on another journey. A short one this time. 2013 has been filled with sojourn and travail for me. And I am amazed at the growth it has wrought.

Whenever I find myself in a painful situation or in the midst of confusion, I find myself overwhelmed with the war between my emotions and my reason. My emotions I must confess are a huge source of conflict within me. Sometimes they bubble and spill over and make themselves known in the things I do and the things I say and because I am by nature a very talkative extrovert.

This never ends well.

I am learning that there is one thing I can do that calms me all the way down into a state of numbness. I relinquish control of everything I feel and think and it is replaced with an astonishing sense of peace and calm in which I do not even feel the need to speak much. I find it easy to allow things to take their natural course when I do this.

I fast.

Usually I abstain completely from solid food, confining myself to water and the occasional juice when I feel faint. And I go through the day. Normally. At the end of each day, I eat. And the cycle begins again at midnight. And believe me it works. I pray and sing and make conscious decisions to do the right thing and slowly but surely I find I have developed my self-control and patience and endurance through this practice.

It has also brought me so much closer to God in so many ways.

Its amazing to me how God answers prayer. In the strangest little ways He reminds you that He is there and He hears and in these short but increasingly frequent periods of self-sacrifice, I have learnt and experienced this truth in extremely significant ways. In my personal life and also my spiritual life He has shown Himself to truly be, "My very present help in time of trouble."

This time I decided due to the enormity of my frustration and confusion and the seriousness of the situations I was dealing with to do things a little bit different. It was thrust upon me. And I was in the first week of a 40day fast (yes, I wanna be like Jesus.) But my pastor said to me, "Do an Esther Fast." And I went and researched it and decided, yes. After all, the measure of your sacrifice depends on the enormity of your issue or your praise, not so? In this case, "enormous" was an understatement.

So I put my stuff together, collected my prayer books and went into seclusion for 72 hours with only one break where I went to work. I was in physical contact with no more than six people and successfully managed to shut out the entire world for most of the time by turning off my phone.

I met God.

There is something about staying away from all food, water, sugar, everything that you would normally put in your mouth. But there is so much more power in being completely silent and cut off from everything in your world. All the things and people you love. Sacrificing that time to be with God. Alone. There is amazing power in that. The sound of my own voice in the moments that I actually opened my mouth to speak surprised me.

That is really being still...

The Esther Fast requires you to go completely without food and water for three full days and nights. 72 hours of testing.

The first day was alright. I woke up in the morning and prayed and wrote and stayed in silence and meditation all day. No hunger pangs. I even went to work and did a solid job though it was taxing. I had a guardian angel with me though. He made sure I was alright and took me home. I went back into isolation and prayed to close the day.

The second day was strange. I struggled with the heat and the dehydration caused dizziness and a distinctly faint feeling. My senses were heightened. For most of the day I was seeing too bright and hearing too loud. Which was very tiring as I had to make a trip out into the real world that included the most adorable little baby. But I maintained my quietness even through the discomfort. And my meditation brought results and clarity and a feeling of indescribable peace.

The third and final day I decided to go back into a state of isolated silence and meditation. And the peace I encountered again I cannot describe. I felt the pain in my belly and the shortness of breath and the dizziness but it didn't overshadow the peace and contentment for one second. My best friend was worried sick by this point. I don't blame him. But the whole time I kept thinking, "The day he tries this he will understand."

Its a huge commitment. But I saw it through and I am grateful for my friends who helped me through it as well. Advising me and checking on me after 6pm. :)

I am learning the power of commitment. Commitment to something requires your best even when the going gets tough. And the tougher the going the bigger the rewards. I choose to follow through with everything I commit to do from now on. No matter how hard or how fruitless it may appear at times, I will keep my word and commit.

An amazing experience, it brought me closer to my Maker. It made me understand true dependence and faith in His love and provision and in the fact that He truly does hold me in the palm of his hand. And He speaks. Audibly, in the still quiet voice, through dreams, through events taking place all around us and through things people say, He is always speaking.

Tamela Mann's song, "Take Me To The King" describes the way I felt on the first day. But by the third day all I could think was, "I Surrender All." I still cannot really explain what happened. But I am blessed to know that it did.

I felt I should share. I am sure I shall soon be able to share the fruits of my labor. God honors sacrifice. But for right now, I am just happy that I created a bubble with just me and Him inside it and it was amazing.

Peace, Love, Forgiveness and Progress,

Miss Chulu.

#TitaniumSolid #Kilimanjaro

Blantyre...

Blantyre...what a pretty name...

Always thought "Blantyre" would make a nice name for someone. Or for a home, "Welcome to House Blantyre." Anyway, I digress.

Its been a while since we saw a literal piece on the blog and my best friend encouraged me to "dig into these emotions" so I'm digging in.

My band and I traveled to Blantyre, Malawi at the beginning of October for the Blantyre Arts Festival. I found out later that it was meant to have begun with a carnival, but we missed that part. The trip down was CRAZY! We went by road because we thought we were heroes. Going in was much better than coming back but it was long and hot and by the time we got to the border all our juice from the Food Lovers Market was tea. :(

The first day there was like a reverse culture shock to be honest. But there is something serene about the quaint little town of Blantyre and the people were so friendly. We were picked up by the organisers of the fest and taken to the cultural center where everything was taking place. Met a kind old journalist who told us stories about old Zambian musicians like The Mulemena Boys and left us in awe of the legacy we had gone to represent. It felt like pressure.

A few hours, a horrid lunch and a thunderstorm later, the guys and Mwila went to watch the first performances. I couldn't handle it. So I stayed in bed whatsapping my bestie about random things till he forced me to sleep. The mosquitoes made it quite the adventure though so for the two nights we were there I slept with my headsets on.

On Saturday we woke up late, walked to the little mall to buy airtime and jelly babies and then went to the center for our first attempt at a sound check. Didn't work out, so we went back to eat and then attempted it again a couple hours later. The food was different to say the least. By the time it was 5pm we were all bathed and suited up and had a lil vocal rehearsal in the room which you can see on instagram if you follow @lalozie :)

The thatched circle where the stage was was filled up with people and lil kids sitting in the front row, all smiling and excited and singing along. When we got there the lights went out but when they came back on, a pretty German lady called Selina was on stage singing pretty interesting covers of popular songs by John Legend and Alicia Keys amongst others. When she was done, a really cool dance troupe had us cheering for four minutes before it was our turn to go on.

We did. The boys as usual starting things off with an amazing intro. Then it was my turn to sing. And boy did I sing my socks off. I still feel proud just thinking about it. We swayed and danced and had our little dance routines and the crowd went crazy! Best performance ever really! Only because the room was filled with so much love.

Highlights of the night were our acapella rendition of Bob Marley's "Waiting In Vain" which saw everyone in the band singing and my first attempt at scatting which went pretty well and also our show closer, "Nikakuona (When I See You)" which got us yells for an encore and had me in tears as the audience sang along and waved their hands in the chorus. Amazing moments that I would love to experience again.

Two encores and a stage rush later we were on our way to our rooms, feeling happy and blessed and humbled and motivated to keep doing bigger and better things.

I'm already looking forward to next year and all the opportunities it brings.

The band is called Black Note and is available for bookings by calling +260965221996. We will be Live at Alliance Francaise on the 2nd of November from 7pm. Don't miss it!!!  

#TitaniumSolid

#Kilimanjaro

Miss Mahogany.

He....

He is trapped in a life of drudgery.

There are moments when he has glimpses of what he loves. Moments of brilliance when all the pieces fall together in perfect synergy. Moments of clarity, when his focus and passion are renewed by little victories, little hurdles stepped over, minor hills climbed and conquered and in those moments he smiles to himself because he got through the day, or the hour or the meeting in one piece and he did well.

But he feels trapped.

Because more often than not the days all flow by the same. He wakes up, takes a shower, packs his laptop bag and his banana and drives to work in the traffic that aggravates him but is a part of the city he lives in. He dusts off his suit and sits at his desk. Puts his headsets on and zones out to the numbers in front of him and the music that lives inside his head. The occasional text, the occasional phone call and a few clients later, he moves on to the next part of his day that is the same as that part of his day the day before. And its boring and demoralising except for those moments of brilliance.

He has alot going for him. 

Nobody really knows it yet, but then again, nobody really knows him. He is quiet. Funny but reserved. Always impeccably dressed and well spoken. Always sincere even when his mind is a billion miles away, calculation a trade or planning a vacation. And he doesn't get alot of those. His time has not been his own for a while now. Even when he sleeps he does not rest because his sleep is quotad. Soon he will have to wake up to be the WonderKid. Solving problems, being the scapegoat, but always being exceptional at being who he is, because he is brilliant but even he doesn't know how much so.

He has few friends. They do not really understand him. And he accepts that. Because the most interesting things in life are puzzles and he prefers his own company anyway. He has women in his life. They love him in degrees and like him in amounts. Some are his mothers, others are his friends, yet others are undefined dalliances. He is only in love with one.

But even she doesn't know it.

She lives on the periphery of his world. Essential to his existence but always at a distance because that is his way and because she understands that, they live in quiet, comfortable "side-by-sideness" even when they haven't seen each other for days on end. And she loves him. Dearly. She just doesn't know quite how to. Thing about it is he would do anything for her, but he doesn't know it either because she will never ask. But no matter what happens between them, living without each other has never been the option.  

And so he wakes up every day. Searching for something. Because he knows something is missing. But he never finds it before he goes to bed and he will wake up tomorrow still looking for it.

He is trapped in drudgery.

But he remains cheerful. Never saying an unkind word. Never rude or impolite. Selfish in his own ways but only to preserve himself and his sanity. And nobody can withold that from him. He loves many things but he no longer has the time for them because if he is to become somebody he has to put in the hours.

He has a lot to be proud of. And people are proud of him. A work in progress. He has grown in alot of ways. Some inexplicable. Others tangible. And his aesthetic has changed. He is no longer a boy. He has transformed and is on the verge of something. Wings unfurling, muscles churning, speed rushing through him, propelling him towards his destiny.

But he remains on the verge. Waiting. Trapped in drudgery. Waiting for release, for something to change, for something new.

He doesn't know why he is here. But he is. And for another day he will keep going, his passion fuelled by those glimpses of brilliance, his resolve strengthened by sheer force of faith.

Faith in Possibility. 

"Nikakuona (When I See You)"...

 New song dropping tomorrow and I got a few requests for lyrics...that put a huge smile on this face, no lie...

I am known for writing love songs...pretty words...but this time around, the words are coming so deeply from my heart that its almost dangerous to put them out there. But I have.

So I'm not gonna talk too much about where the song came from. I'll just say that it was raining the day I wrote this song about four days after my first date with the most amazing man I have ever met in my entire life and I've met a bunch hey...don't judge me, he made a HUGE impression! Lol! :)

I just want to say thankyou to him, for inspiring so many beautiful feelings in me.

I also want to say thankyou to Israel, Lazarus, Nzovwa, Kasonde, Eston, Mapalo, Mwila and Suzanna for making this music with me and to Ben for making sure this song sounded so good.  Also many thanks to Carl Hovind for giving me permission to make my own version of the song he originally produced for the ZedWay project. Thankyou to James for never missing a big moment. I love you guys...

And now, the lyrics...

Nikakuona (When I See You)

"They don't understand

  The way you make my heart race

  And my knees shake

  When you touch my hand

  There's no place I'd rather be

  We live in a world

  Where love is so polluted

  Where a boy and a girl

  Is the sum total of confusion

 

  But I know nobody like you

  Your magic makes me move

  Your heart becomes my truth

  Nikakuona

  Mutima wanga uma tunta monga ngoma

  Nikakuona

  Your light shines so bright

  Like love in the moonlight

  I got nothing to lose

  You've got nothing to prove

  We've got something that no one else can deny

  I'll tell the story of us

  To your son as he grows inside me

  A seed that grew out of love

  So strong like the mukwa tree

  How you came out of nowhere

  And swept me off my feet

  Kuliye chinga wele pa kati pa weo na neo

  Mutima wangu ni wako

  I know nobody like you

  Your magic makes me move

  Your heart becomes my truth

  Nikakuona

  Mutima wanga uma tunta monga ngoma

  Nikakuona

  Your light shines so bright

  Like love in the moonlight

  I got nothing to lose

  You've got nothing to prove

  We've got something that no one else can deny..."

For those wondering what the vernacular means...

"Nikakuona..." - When I see you

"Mutima wanga uma tunta monga ngoma..." - My heart beats like a drum

"Kuliye chinga wele pa kati pa weo na neo, mutima wangu ni wako..." - There's nothing that can come between you and I, my heart is yours

I am really really really proud of this song...and for the emotions that it represents. The power to love after pain. The truth in the assumption that rain brings new life and growth and washes away the old, dead and decayed. Belief in possibility because that's all this is...I believe...and so should all of you...

And to you, L.G.N...this journey is already so beautiful with you...thankyou Mudiwa...

Hope you all love the song as much as we do...

#TitaniumSolid

#Kilimanjaro

Miss Mahogany...

"Sometimes life throws you little curve balls."

Someone very close to me said that to me the other day. And it made me think about my life. About my journey. About the defining moments in my life both good and bad and most unexpected. It made me think about what I am truly grateful for.

A lot of things I don't remember. Growing up, not much is significant. But once you get to adolescence, huge changes come and make you stand up a little straighter, cry a little less...though my friends can all agree that if there is one thing I have never let go of, its tears. Its almost like I have a reserve tank under my eyelids.

I remember boarding school. I wasn't excited to go, I was afraid of being away from home. I guess I knew deep down inside it would change me. I left home a chubby 12 year old with kinky hair and the most hideous spectacles you could possibly imagine. It took two years of charges and class monitor responsibilities and late night punishments to make me toughen up. Even then I wasn't tough enough. First opportunity to not go back I took. And life threw me another curve ball.

I thought I was dying. I have never been so sick in my life. My mother says I was. But 9 malaria riddled weeks later, I was skinny, like a chicken bone and light skinned after 14 years of being so dark I looked like my mother's step-child. And for the first time in my life I remember my dad calling me pretty. Only once. He never did it again. I don't know what I learnt from that except that I appreciated being alive more and I never wanted to leave home.

I went back to school to write my exams. And found a tragedy. For the second time in my life I lost friends. I learnt I could be violent. Assaulted someone with a chair. Well, he cussed my mother out I had to defend her honor. Those people are still around the peripheral edges of my life, but they will never truly be my friends again and I don't really miss them. I'm a different person now, they wouldn't fit. And I've lost more friends since then, but it doesn't hurt as much because I know I can't keep everyone...

O'Level was fun! I met my best friend. 10 years later, she is still my best friend. We still sound the same and cuss our men out in our hearts and then defend them to the death out loud. I miss her. But she's never too far, or too busy, even when I get busy. And I had my first real encounter with what I considered heartbreak. I had NO idea! 9 years down the line I can only shake my head at how straightforward that was. But its true, life does shake you up sometimes and after that I decided I wanted to be less of a tomboy and more of a girl, I wanted to relax my hair and define myself by my cleavage. That's what I wanted. I wanted to be noticeable.

That was the point. And years after that I would sit down and remember what it was like to be free and wish I had listened to my mother when she told me that men will use you and dump you because that's what they do. It takes a special kind of man to acknowledge and value the gift inside you and cherish that. And it takes maturity to know which man is which. I had to go a long time with the wrong kind to get to where I can see what I don't want and hold on to what I have now. But it took a bunch of curve balls, including some abuse. Yes, of the illegal kind.

But you see, all these things, getting lost in translation and pursuing an education for seven whole years that ended up on the back bench in a box because my talent is my real passion, nearly losing my mother to death and miscarriage, facing loneliness and not knowing myself...and then learning and rising above all of it...it didn't just happen that I woke up and was this person...all those little traps and stumbling places, all those little curve balls were lessons to show me what was important and what was not.

And its funny how many things are not important.

I'm thankful for my lessons. And I think there are still a great deal many to come. But if there is one thing I choose to carry with me, its the good moments. Look around you, see what you can't live without, and choose happiness...no matter how hard the journey to it may be...its a personal choice, you decide. And when the going gets tough, ask someone to help you keep going, because sometimes that's the difference between making it and staying stuck on stupid.

#TitaniumSolid #Kilimanjaro

Miss Mahogany.